Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I have issues....

After a couple therapy sessions, I am faced to admit i have some real issues that go beyond Infertility!! I started going to therapy because i was not having any luck finding a local support group and really needing to talk to someone who could in some way relate in the pain and anguish I was experiencing TTC now for 5 LONG years!! I did a quick search for therapist covered under our medical insurance, made a few calls and spoke to a few to find a therapist i was comfortable with. So that is how I came to meet with Dr. J.  I told my hubby the night before my first appointment that I was going to go to therapy. Now, my loving hubby doesn't really believe in psychologists and was a bit surprised to find that I felt i needed therapy.  It was hard at first to make him understand that I couldn't talk to my mom, his mom, my BFF, my sister, cousins... no one really because they have had little or no problems TTC and all have beautiful families of their. The only one who might be able to relate a little maybe my sister, as it took her a while to get pregnant, but after maybe a year or 2 of TTC she is 28 weeks pregnant now.  It is hard for me to talk to anyone I told him.  I tried to explain to my hubby that i want to be at my best emotional state when we start IVF so that I can handle either result... a BFN or even handle a BFP.

He couldn't quite understand why I would have any negative thoughts if we got our BFP and why I would have anxiety over it.... I should think positive. He is right I told him (what every man likes to hear right....LOL) but what he had to understand is that I've thought positive for 5 years, and after 4 IUI cycles, 2 miscarriages, and endless cycles of no ovulation, it is getting really hard to remain positive.  I told him that it would be hard for him and others to understand why I would feel so anxious when we achieved pregnancy, because unfortunately since we have tried so hard for so long, I know all the things that could go wrong in a pregnancy.  I don't think he really understood, but he told me he supported me in any decision I took and would be beside me through it all.  My hubby says and does things that make me fall in love with more and more all the time, so the next morning was no exception. As we got ready for work, it was the day of my first therapy session and my hubby asks me as we are kissing goodbye, if I wanted him or needed him to go to therapy with me.  Immediately tears come to my eyes and I smile and thank him, but I needed to do it alone for now.  I am the one with the issues and I just need to talk to someone, but if I needed him to go I will ask him.

That was 3 weeks ago, and therapy has helped a lot. To just be able to go and talk about your fears, anger, frustrations, and agony and have some one validate them is just so wonderful.  I have also learned some hard truths about myself.  Not all good things either. But that is the journey of therapy i guess. I have never been to see a therapist for more than one session and that has only happened once.  So far I have learned that I worry too much for other people's feelings and worry way too much of what is thought about me.  Going through this infertility struggle, i have mostly kept the struggle to myself, maybe out of shame, or maybe out of fear of getting other people's pity...i really don't know, maybe for both reasons.  I have always made myself available for my friends and family to count on me when they needed me, but when I have tried to reach out, i got rebuffed once, and assumed no one had time to listen to my problems.  In putting peoples needs before mine, I have not let them know when I need from them. I'm working on not feeling shame about going through infertility treatments, and as i talk to people and that annoying question that comes up about "when are we having kids?" more and more I simply respond with "we are trying, having some difficulty with that, but with much prayer and some infertility assistance hopefully soon".  

I now realize that many times i refrained from being truthful about our fertility challenges because i was too concerned with making the other person embarrassed or uncomfortable.  I also worried about whether or not my hubby wanted the world to know, but now I know he could care less and it's been up to me to say or not.  So little by little I will work on my issues and address my emotions while struggling with being Fertility Challenged.  In time I hope that I can loosen up a bit, enjoy life once again, and be a better person.  I am finding some relief in therapy and with time I hope to better accept all the things I can not change, and be able to see and change the things I can.  I have not lost all faith in God, and although it may waver on some days, I pray and have faith that we will be blessed with the family we so desire and deserve as will all my Friends that our on this same painful journey.

Now I just pray for strength from God to help me get through another Mother's Day with an empty uterus and empty arms...