Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Back on track.....Almost

Hello my cyber readers.... all 3 of you!!! LOL Actually i'm not sure how many actually read my random thoughts.... but hello to anyone out there.... I know I have at least 1 !! haahaahaaaaaa

No I'm not loosing my mind... not at the moment at least. I'm just waiting out this cycle to finish so that I can start IVF. Yes!! after a YEAR of trying to ovulate and trying to be financially stable to do IVF, we are finally moving forward.  I should have started Lupron injections last week and would have started injections to stimulate my ovaries this week, I hit yet another bump in my all too bumpy road to conception.  After much deliberation and after speaking with my hubby we decided to move forward with IVF with my new cycle (which is the current one i'm on now) and when AF arrived for a visit the 2nd week of June, we were ready to start. I applied for the Shared Risk program through my RE's office.  I was very hesitant in applying. Basically we pay a flat fee of $22k for multiple discounted IVF cycles. It will be 3 IVF AND 3 FET cycles for one flat rate. Paying for each of these cycles would be about $40k. Either way it is ALOT of money.  

There are some guarantees, if there is no baby that we take home after all treatments, we will get 70% of our $$ back. Of course if there is a baby, we are successful. So I had been stuck on "what if" we were successful the first time, we paid $22k for one cycle instead of $10k it cost per IVF cycle. My hubby broke it down for me. He said so what if we paid $22k for one cycle, if we are successful isn't that what we want most, a baby?!? Hard to disagree with his reasoning, so I took the plunge and applied for a $22k loan to cover the cost of the program!!! Let me tell you,  have had plenty of sleepless night thinking about that debt we are about to incur!! I just worry about money too much and is a source of stress for me.

Luckily through ongoing therapy, I am not feeling guilty for wanting a baby so badly I'm willing to go into some serious debt for a baby! I am working part-time with my hubby's firm to make some decent extra money.  I am working most evening on setting up appointments and going on client appointments, but at least I'm working alongside my hubby. If all goes to plan we can pay off this loan in about a year or 2 at the most..... 

So now I stay on birth control pills (BCPs) to keep my cycle regular, since we had to postpone starting because my Dr.'s office failed to tell us my hubby had to get his "swimmers" tested... I was only told I needed to get some blood work done to see if I "medically" qualified.  SO we waited almost 2 weeks after informing my Dr's Financial Counselor that we wanted to apply for shared risk for ME to get all testing done and submit application to Shared Risk.  Not once did the counselor say they would also need a Semen Analysis (S/A) from my hubby... so one wasn't scheduled sooner and when the counselor submitted my file, she submitted old S/A report from June of 2007.  So they went off an old report and initially denied me acceptance into the Shared Risk Program because that old report would mean we would need to do an extra procedure in the whole IVF process.  This threw a monkey wrench into our plans.  This procedure i speak of is called ICSI, where the "lab" helps my hubby's 'swimmers' penetrate my eggs to fertilize them.  Well, no one ever mentioned to me that this was even something we had to worry about since all tests have always come back with an "Excellent" response from all doctors who review his "swimmer's" report.  Well we all ready had a test date set but it was a few days before i was to start lupron injections and not enough time to get the financing in order and would only be able to move forward if we were not going to go through the Shared risk program. 

It wasn't meant to be this cycle! The only reason we decided to move forward was because we wanted to do IVF through Shared Risk.  Plus, an audit of my office was scheduled for the week that all IVF procedure were to take place. I could have canceled the audit but had no rescheduled date.  For my sanity, I need to know a date, since these audits could be unannounced! I much prefer announced visits!!  So I just felt we needed to postpone to straighten everything out, which it has. My hubby's swimmers are just fine and we can proceed with IVF through Shared Risk as I just got notified today that we were approved WITHOUT ICSI.  If you can imagine, going through fertility treatments being told your hubby/male partner was fine and therefore wasn't a source of concern, all of sudden it seems like there was a problem all along would make you feel like you have been blind-sided.  Dr. called me and apologized for the "drama" and I was angry at first, but that only lasted a day.  It just wasn't meant to be this cycle......

So I decided that we should postpone IVF for a cycle. Heck, I have waited 12 months to do IVF, what is a few more weeks? Not much in my opinion. I have plenty to keep my mind occupied for the next few weeks.  This way i know that I will be able to take a nice little vacation and just RELAX!!! This is something I haven't been able to do in a long long time!!! So it looks like I'll be going through IVF procedures 2nd week of August and I will be on vacation at least by the end of that week.  I will enjoy some time away from work and enjoy a good book AND my niece!! My sister is due at the end of July (which i think baby Alyssa will be making an entrance sooner than that) so I will be able to enjoy my new niece as well!!! Fun times ahead.......... 

Finally!!! After much doom and gloom of the last year, finally a cheerful, STRESS FREE horizon awaits!!!!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Finding Emotional Balance=Some kind of Normal

So it's been a while! I've been very neglectful to my journal writing... bad bad me! But I've been trying to find an emotional balance within myself in hopes of being as close to my normal self.... whatever my normal self is! I continue with therapy although i've had a few weeks break from it as my therapist went away on vacation. So far okay. No emotional break downs and find myself relatively calm.  I have been able to see how much I do try to shelter other people feelings and avoid the "truth" of my fertility woes! Therapy has helped me not do that anymore. I am starting to be more open about.

I have a cyber friend, but also a friend IRL as we met once "SHOUT OUT TO MY GIRL POLLY".  I would post a link to her blog here but don't know how.. sorry! She is amazing. Her strength is admirable. I know it is difficult journey she is on and may not feel very strong at times, but Polly, i know you read my blog from time to time and I don't say this nearly enough, but I really do admire you and you have such an amazing strength!!! I know you will be blessed with a child very soon as I don't know anyone else who has been through as much as you and deserve it so much! We will both overcome our Fertility Challenge and have our much deserved family in 2009!!!! I look up to her as she goes through her journey and how vocal she is about it.  I up until only recently, would never admit to anyone of my personal fertility struggles.

Therapy has helped get past whatever it was that kept me from saying and admitting that I have fertility challenges.  I am thankful to be able to do so now more than before. With my YOUNGER sister 34 weeks pregnant, I have occasionally gotten the question of "when do my hubby and I plan to start our family?" and you Fertility Challenged gals recognize the tone of voice in which the person asks it in... the tone that is suggesting that we don't have any babies by CHOICE! I don't even bat an eye anymore and let them know, hey it isn't because we aren't trying.... I just can't do it without medical intervention. As a matter of fact, I've had 2 pregnancies result in early miscarriages. They immediately apologize for my lost and I appreciate, rather than resent, their "I'm sorry".  

Slowly but surely I'm dealing with it much better than before. I think it is healthier for me in some way.  Now when I succeed in getting pregnant through IVF, I will be able to say it proudly.... IF I so choose to share that truth! Which is getting closer to happening!!!! 

So I'm finding myself being more of who I want to be and less being what I expect others want me to be.  It is funny, i have family saying how much fun I am to be around... Didn't realize I wasn't fun before LOL, but i guess maybe I had been a fun dud before, as I was too worried about what others wanted me to be, or what I thought they wanted me to be. I'm enjoying letting some of that go and being a little more relaxed... of course a quick shot of Tequila would loosen anyone up!! LOL I kid I kid.... i don't always need tequila to loosen up, but it sure makes us all a little more interesting and fun!!! LOL 

I'm suddenly craving a margarita...........cheers!