Monday, December 17, 2007

Holiday gloom.....POOF be Gone!

I still can't believe Christmas is a week away! Time sure has flown by too quickly! I'm excited and looking forward to spending time with family. Of course i am dreading the questions from those who have no clue what we have been trying to do for the last 4, almost 5 years...... "So when you going to have a baby??" It's an innocent question, but c'mon, after so many years of the same question same answer of "we're trying" when will they get a clue?? I have to laugh out loud because otherwise I will become bitter, and that is something I don't want to become. I have always had a cheery disposition, a positive outlook on life and was always fun to be around....Sadly i have caught myself being just the opposite of that. I am not liking that one bit. This whole infertility process is so very stressful on so many various levels and it just sucks big time. Getting to the point of acceptance that maybe no matter what you thought before, your plan on becoming a mom by getting pregnant, birthing and raising that child isn't what God had in mind for you, can be a little hard to swallow and even welcome the thought. At first.....

I know there are so many women who have tried, will continue to try to become mothers in what shoud be "naturally", for so many, many years. They are some strong women. I am not that strong. I'm not giving up, but I'm growing tired and weary. While I may change my mind, I have decided that 2008 will be my last year of trying to conceive a child. Of course this isn't set in stone or anything and i may think differently a year from now, but as of right now, I think I will throw in the towel in trying to conceive my own baby and pursue motherhood in some other way. I know my hubby will support my decision, but only after exhausting all possibilities. So we will try one more IUI w/ injections, hoping that it might work better while doing acupuncture treatments. If it doesn't work then we will try IVF once maybe twice and see what happens. I just can't continue to feel like this. I came to this decision the beginning of December, shortly after learning of my sister's pregnancy.....

Funny how God works, would you know that just a week after making my decision and declaring the end of 2008 the end of the line, the acupuncture and herbs kicked in, and helped my body actually Ovulate!!! While it's still a bit early, I did get a + OPK (ovulation predictor kit) i NEVER get a +. I started using them last cycle since based on my temps, looked like my body would try to ovulate so i started using them to check to see how close my body would get to ovulation. Last cycle they never got close to being +, but just last week, i got a few that were really close and one that was +. I was so excited. I would get so frustrated because we would not even have a shot what so ever to getting pregnant on my own because i wouldn't ovulate. But I believe I did this month!!! I have one half the battle this month! Now I only hope i did ovulate and pray I get a BFP going into the new year. I would nothing more than to start off a new year pregnant. All is possible i know. I also know that while i will be a wee bit disappointed if I'm not pregnant, at least i ovulated!! And I will be grateful for that!

For now, I will enjoy the holidays and celebrate with family and friends. It is the most wonderful time of the year! Although I could go without the grumpy shoppers.... 2008 is full of new promises, and also will come with a new baby in our family.... a niece or nephew for me to spoil!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Unfair.....Such is life

So I ask out loud..."When is it my turn?" I'm feeling a bit confused right now. I am happy, sad, confused, not quite angry, maybe feeling impatient....why you may ask...? My sister called me last nite to give me the news that she is expecting a baby again. Barely 3 months after her loss, she is blessed with a new baby. Maybe the Stork got us confused??? I'm wondering what I have to do to get pregnant around here??? It is amazing that we have the same genes, have had irregular periods all our lives and she is fertile and I'm not? Who did she talk to that I didn't??? I can't help but to feel frustrated at all of it. I just want to throw my hands up and just forget it all!!! I think i'm going to reconsider taking a trip!!! HAHAHA..... I'm sure i can forget about life when i'm sitting on a beach somewhere drinking a fruity cocktail with a pineapple and an paper umbrella sticking out of it!!! Sure i can pretend that life as i know it, doesn't exist!!! Unfortunately, when running away, you always have to come back.

Of course my sister should be happy, and I do feel bad that I can't be as happy about it as she is. I find it hard simply because of her situation, it isn't the best. If it were better I would be happier for her, I would still be sad because it seems so easy for her and not for me, but I would be more excited with her. I know that God has a great plan, and in time it will be revealed. But for now i want to stew in my funk! =-) I want to pout and kick a rock and dwell a little in the unfairness of it all!

I will pray this baby is healthy and that I can meet her or him in 8-9 months! It never matter what circumstance a baby is born in, they are innocent in all of it, and they should be loved and cherished by all! I know that I will love my niece or nephew with all my heart, I also pray that I can have a baby too, a cousin for him/her to play with too!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Bumming around......

So not much going on in life! Life is pretty quiet when nothing going on! Still on the quest for a child and some days i'm okay with the wait, other days, the emptiness is just unbearable! My hubby was away on business last week and did all that I could to keep myself busy during the evenings.....but the time alone was nice. But i'm happy to have him home!

I survived Thanksgiving......but anyone could with a bottle, or 2, of wine in your system!! Yes i know... bad girl! But it was fun. I blocked out completely everything of a year ago.... knowing i was pregnant, praying for a sticky little bean, that wasn't to be. With the advice of my acupuncturist, i just blocked it out! That helped me enjoy the holiday with family! Now i will have to do the same this Christmas! Tequila shots should help with that! Ha!! I'm such a lush! But seriously, it will be a great christmas! With the end of Christmas comes a new year!

A new year is full of new possibilities! A new year will bring new wishes and loaded with all new optimism for a successful year!!! I have made the declaration that come next Christmas, we will have a baby in our lives! It will either biological or not, but me and my hubby will have a child or two to cherish and shower love upon this time next year!!!! I HAVE MADE THE DECLARATION!! God is Great and will not fail me! We deserve this more than anything and it will happen in 2008!!!

Now it's time to face the holiday crowds!!! Crowds is what I most dislike about holiday shopping....everyone seems to be in a rush and is outright rude! Was there ever a time where shoppers were merry and considerate??? Me and the hubby prefer late evening is usually quieter and less busy. What I'm most excited about is the baking i'm going to do!!! Me and hopefully my godsons will start a christmas tradition of baking christmas cookies! They enjoyed decorating Halloween Pumpkins in October, maybe they will enjoy decorating cookies! If it weren't for "My Boys" i know that I would have shriveled up and died by now....they are the light of my life in so many ways! I'm blessed to be so involved in their lives and for them to be in mine! I can't help but to get a tingly inside when they accidentally call me "mom" on occasion....too cute! I think that is what keeps me afloat emotionally......

Till next time!