Thursday, August 30, 2007

Bittersweet Feelings......

I am going to have a Niece!!! Well 75% chance i'm having a niece...Yup my sister is having a girl! Well the baby wouldn't open her legs so the ultra-sound tech couldn't see too well, but saw no obvious sign that it could be boy, but couldn't for sure say it was girl 100%. As my sister's "big day" approached i wasn't sure how i felt about. She was so excited and would email me letting me know how excited she was. Honestly, I wanted to be as excited with her, but some days i admit, i found it hard to be excited. I couldn't help but feel a bit bummed b/c we remain childless. I know that it is all a process and over time, it does get easier, and over all I am excited about the baby, but I can't help but wish i was pregnant or have a baby of my own in my arms.

Some days i catch myself daydreaming about "What if..." What if our firs IUI/Injectable cycle would have worked. Couldn't help but to think about if that pregnancy would have survived I would have a newborn in my arms and I would be enjoying motherhood. Luckly for me, those painfull moments come and go fairly quickly and remain optimistic about the upcoming IVF cycle. Some days i'm anxiously awaiting it, and other days i'm scared! But through it all I don't loose faith. Just like I know I will become more excited about the birth of my niece. My sister was pretty bummed out about having a girl, she really wanted a boy. She did irritate me a bit with her less than enthusiastic attitude towards her baby girl. But i have to remind myself that she hasn't struggled TTC like I have. Anyone who has TTC for any long period of time would be most happy with a healthy baby, boy or girl. Here she was lamenting it was a girl. I did tell her to quit being so upset and be happy that the baby is healthy!

A day later, I do feel more excitement at the thought it is going to be a girl! I do laugh at how the world works, here I have been trying to get pregnant, and have been hoping for a girl, only to have my sister pregnant with a girl. The journey we must walk definitely can be funny and ironic! I spoke to my sister today. She had gotten a call from her Dr.s office and it made her nervous and had no one to call and needed to talk to someone. Her Dr. wants her to go back tomorrow for a repeat Ultra-sound, and that made her worry some. Her boyfriend was home asleep (he works late into the nite) and she needed to talk to calm her nerves, so she called me.

Since me and my sister haven't been close in a long while, it was weird feeling to have her call me. It was how I imagined it would be, growing up, as close as we were, i imagined that is how it would be. Calling one another during pregnancy when no one else was available to talk to about the anxiety or excitement of the pregnancy. Just knowing that the other would be available no matter what time of the day it was. It was nice to talk to her today, as i soothed her nerves as a i reassured her it was no big deal and to look at the upside of it, she may get a bitter picture and can really determine what the baby will be. I also told her again, that she needed to be happy and excited about her baby girl, and be thankful she is healthy. She admitted to being scared she would be able to handle a girl because she herself was a tough one to handle...and she is very aware of the term "what goes around comes around". She knows she has made my parents life hell and now it could be her turn if she has a girl. But she is happy, and is praying for a healthy baby!

I now find myself getting excited about my Niece! I hope to be a big part of her life, as that is my plan. Now i have to talk to my mom about the posibility of throwing my sister a baby shower. I do feel bad at the thought of not throwing her one, and that is going to be tricky. I know my mom doesn't want to mingle with her boyfriend's family and i don't really care, but looking at it from a financial point of view, I don't think i could afford to mingle both families. My sister is going to have to understand that we are not inviting his family, except maybe his mom and his sister, b/c we have a big family, and just she and her boyfriend and his kids is alot.... but if she really wants to throw a fit, I will just scratch the idea and just get her a nice gift or a couple of gifts, basically i will spend the money i would have on her party on a baby gift(s). We'll see.....

Well can't believe September is knocking....where has the summer gone?? Time sure is flying super fast these days...... just fast.... i guess i will talk to my mom about that babyshower now.... I am having a niece!!!!!!!!! I can just feel the bubble of excitement! and that makes me happy to know that I can enjoy this baby and maybe this baby will be what brings my sister and I just a little closer.........just maybe! Everything happens for a good reason, why else would God do things the way God chooses?......

Monday, August 20, 2007

Small Sacrafice......

I have to give up dairy!!!! I'm so bummed b/c i love all things dairy!!! I had my second acupuncture appointment Saturday and it was great. SHe is also an herbalist and give me some chinese herbs in a powder form that i'm to mix in a 1/4 cup of warm water and have to take it down in 1-2 big gulps and the taste is not very good. I feel lucky that it is only a small amount i have to drink and i'm hoping that i will get used to the taste quickly. It is supposed to help with my PCOS symptoms and just kind of help move the energy in my body. Apparently, dairy can cause phlem and will clog up the energy and keep it from moving though out my body...who knew?!!? It is a small sacrafice, but i will follow directions. It is going to be hard to give it up, but i must do what i need to do.

She also is having me take some other vitamins. I'm not taking anything right now and so i figure i could use some vitamin supplements. I have been wanting to take some for a while now, but get too overwhelmed at the choices out there. My hubby is taking a multi-vitamin, i have to ask him if he has noticed a big change. Other than that, no much else going on. I'm just trying to remain patient and very positive about IVF. I am hoping acupuncture will help. So far so good. During my last session, it just felt so wonderfull! It is an experience hard to explain, but i had no feeling in my body, in a good way. I was laying there and it was almost like i was suspended in air and it just felt so relaxing. I am hoping next session we can work on my back, it has been killing me!

My sister finds out next week, i believe, what she is having. I hope it is a girl, but overall hope baby is healthy. I find myself getting excited, but also find myself worried about my sister's parenting skills. Some of her actions with her step-kids makes me raise any eyebrow, but i can not judge, it isn't my place. I am sure she will make smart choices for her child. Sometimes i do feel bad that I'm not more excited, but it really isn't because she is pregnant instead of myself, but more because of the unresolved issues we have that caused our distance in the first place. I still haven't asked my mom if she wants to throw her a baby shower, I would like to, but not sure if my mom wants to host it or not. We'll see, if we do, it will be in November, and that will be here before we know it.

Well, hopefully i will notice some change with the herbs and vitamins, i just lack so much energy somedays...its annoying me. I sure hope my sinuses clear up, they have been hurting off and on for last week or so.... okay enough rambling for tonite, gotta go put my head down and rest my painfull eyes! Till next time!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Daring to Dream.....

Well without dreams or daring to dream what else is there? SO i started taking Provera to induce a period 15 days ago. I continued taking my temperature daily just because it helps me stay somewhat sane, and according to FF, had Ovulated about 2 days before i started taking provera. Well i had a really nice temperature pattern. It wasn't as erractic as it sometimes can be even on provera. So i held out hope that a miracle would happen and we would get pregnant. When my period didn't show up on Sunday, exactly 3 days after i took the last provera pill, i got very hopefull! I always get a period 3 days after last pill. SO i was very hopeful and kept my fingers crossed. I was very cautious, as you learn to be when trying for so long. But when i broke down and tested at home yesterday and got a blaring negative, i knew that a period was on its way....but i still held on and began dreaming of how i would tell my loving hubby we were pregnant.

Well, sometimes with dreaming, you are awakened. There was no sign of a period this spotting or anything...but some cramping. By the time i got to work and went to the bathroom there was spotting. So now i am on day one of new cycle. I was disappointed at first, but i got over it really. The thing about being cautiously excited, the disappointment isn't THAT bad. I'm just really happy i didn't say anything to my husband. I can deal with my own hurt and disappointment, but seeing and/or hearing my husband's disappointment is too much for me to deal with. Besides, he needed to be focused. He is in Las Vegas attending an intense agent training for the next 3 days and he needs to be focused on that. He doesn't need to be caught up in the "almost happened" frame of mind.

Well, this is my journey and I will walk it looking forward, because I know that as Great as God is, God will bless us in no time with a much wanted child! All in God's time!!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Checking back....

I'm a terrible blogger!!! haahaaahaa.... I can't count how many times i attempted to sit down and give an update, or just bare my soul on the days i felt it heavy with whatever emotion.... but I was wiped by the end of June, and the July flew by so quickly, before i knew i was turning the calendar page into a new month. It is amazing how quickly time flies, even when you await something exciting you think it will drag and take forever to get here...but in realty, it really doesn't, not anymore. Maybe it just seems that way to me!

SO the end of JUne had a disappointing finale, a low postive pregnancy and resulted in another miscarriage. I enjoyed it as much as i could. I had the very sore boobs and a ridiculous craving for pepperccinis....and I do mean ridiculous! I have only eaten them once before in my life, and for about a week and half I was eating them out of the jar and eating them with my sandwiches! I was left with 2 full jars of those things and an empty utuerus. It was a sad time. But I allowed myself to feel the emotions and embrace my loss. I cried when i felt like it, i got angry when i felt it, and let myself feel the frustration of it all, and I allowed myself to feel sad that I wasn't pregnant and my sister was. It just seemed unfair, and sometimes even now it feels unfair. My sister told us when she found out she was at about 8-9 weeks. She was always had irregular periods like myself and didn't know she was pregnant until she couldn't shake off what she though was a stomach flu....just like in the movies...looking back at that now, it is funny i guess. So she is now about 14 weeks i think. It seemed God has a sense of humor! But I know God has a reason for why he does things. There has got to be a good reason for why my sister and her boyfriend will be welcoming their first child, and his 8th child. Yes I meant to type 8th child. He and my sister are raising his 7 children from his first marriage (yes all by the same mother) and have struggled to make ends meet. But it seems now that my sister i gaining ground beneath her. SHe finished her Master's program in May, found out she was pregnant in June and found a good job in her field in July. IT is really true that when it's time, God will help you find your way and all will fall into place.

I know that me and my husband anxiously await a child and want it so badly....but our patience is being tested adn we have come to accept that it will happen in time. After speaking to our RE (reproductive endocronologist) will be hoping to do our first IVF cycle in October. I'm excited and praying for a positve result! I have started accupuncture and hope that will help stay relaxed and stress free. I am hoping that my body can finally accept a pregnancy and carry it to full term to deliver a healthy baby! That is what i want most in life. In the mean time i'm just going to relax and enjoy life and know that it will happen when it is supposed to happen.

As time goes on, I get a little more excited about the birth of my neice or nephew in January 2008, and hope that with the pregnancy and birth of my sister's first child, my sister and I can bridge the gap she helped build. We were once close and after some unfortunate circumstances that my sister help create, we have become distanced from one another. I knew that one day we would be in touch again, and i'm looking at this baby to be what helps us come back to each other again. Things will never the same, not better or worse than before, but it will be different and we will move forward closer than what we are now. I was afraid to see my sister pregnant, but after seeing her and seeing her 'baby bump' it wasn't that bad. Of course when i saw her first U/S i wish it was my baby's first u/s picture i was showing my parents, but it wasn't meant to be that way. Although my parents aren't super excited, i think it will build up within them as it is in me. I was at Target over the weekend and passed byt he infant section and though how cute the clothes were and how I wished my sister has a girl...they are funner to shop for =-). I didn't care for the comment that my husband followed up with...that my "brother-in-law" was starting to become accepted by me..or something like that. I don't care either way for my sister's boyfriend or her relationship. It was because of that relationship that caused our fallout, or i should say how she handled her relationship with us...i know i make no sense and one day on a rainy day i'll share the entire story, but for now, the key point is that I have no feelings for him or their relationship...if my sister is happy with him that is great, but it has nothing to do with me or my sister's relationship. I was mad at her and not him. And this baby that is to be born is a complete innocent. This baby is not to blame for the mess her/his mom made of her relationship with her family and closest friends. But my husband really made me angry...i could feel my blood boil just beneath the surface. I didn't like his comments...not the boyfriend piece, but what he followed with. I told him that this baby had nothing to do with my feeling for him or for my sister, this child was going to be my neice or nephew and i did not have to deal with him or my sister to have a relation with the baby...of course if my sister would allow it, and she would because she has come to realize our issue and distance was caused by her...but that i would be able to have seperate relationship with the baby and i didn't have to say anything to him when i took care of MY neice or nephew for the weekend. Then he said "WHAT" we are not taking care of her baby. I said it would be just the weekend on occasion and he was still shaking his head and saying "i don't think so" then i asked him how different was that from us taking my godsons (who are his nephews as well) for the weekend, and he had the nerve to say that was different. I have never in my life can remember a time when my anger shot to the surface to quickly. I was surprised that i manage to tell him ever so calmly that it wasn't anything different and that i was through talking about it because he was going to piss me off. I don't know if he was pushing my buttons and messing with me, as he likes to do on occasion, but I chose not to continue further. Luckly for him, he realized i found no humor with it and left it alone. I couldn't believe it....he is normally not that inconsiderate, and hopefully he knows that some jokes aren't funny.

okay i'm through ranting..... hope to keep up my blog i started accupuncture have something interesting to talk about while we await our IVF cycle! Better go finish work!!! =-)