Wednesday, October 31, 2007

What a day!!

Today is a great day for so many reasons!!! One, the BIG QUAKE didn't strike!! (hahaha a little morbid joke) 2, it's Halloween!!!!!!!! I love Halloween!!! I didn't dress up this year like other years....hopefully next year! and 3, the most important reason, I got a KITCHENAID MIXER!!! Christmas arrived early for me! My boss who is a great friend of mine, walked in this morning with a nicely wrapped box. The wrapping was a solid red (she couldn't find christmas wrapping can you believe it?) and told me i could open it or wait till christmas!!! Which is a big joke because i have no concept of delayed gratification!! But because she said it was for me and my hubby i was a good wife i called and asked him if it was okay to open! He knows me too well! His first and constant question was "what is it?" even though i had told him it was OUR gift and I didn't open it yet!! heeheeheee

So while he was on speaker phone i opened up the big red present! Low and behold it was a gray/chrome mixer staring back at me. My hubby knew was it was before we could tell him (by this time my friend was standing by my desk watching me open the gift!) I felt like a kid on Christmas morning and opening what i had wanted for christmas from Santa!!! I couldn't believe she had bought me this wonderful and expensive gift!!! Her reasoning for giving it to me now is that I will need to do my baking for thanksgiving. Which is true. My hand held mixer i had broke and was in the process of looking for one because i would be needing it! Now i will have a bakefest!!! I did what was natural, I cried!!! I hugged her and thanked her. I feel so blessed she is in my life and that she is our friend! By the way this is the same friend who was diagnosed w/ breast cancer early could she be buying me such a gift? I am wondering if she knows about her surprise b-day party i have been planning with her mom for hte last month!..hmmmm i guess I'll find out AFTER her party!

I am feeling so lucky and looking forward! What a Halloween to remember!!!!

Oh yeah...It's Earthquake Country

I sooooo hate earthquakes!!!!!! They freak me out!!!! I think NO ONE could be used to earthquakes! We had one last night and it was pretty significant. Living where i do, I don't feel too many. Up until last night thought that was because we were not that close to a fault line. Now I know different and discovered via news coverage of last nites MODERATE trembler, there is a fault line that runs underneath my little suburb of Concord!!! YIKES!!!! While this is no major fault like the San Andreas(the big 6.9 tremblor in 1989 was on this fault) or Hayward fault (seismologists belive our next big quake will be on this fault). Last nights quake was on the calavaras fault and it runs right under my city....which is probably why hubby and I really felt it last nite! Scary!!!!!!! It was a rolling motion then a back-n-forth sway for what seemed it lasted longer than 15 seconds. Although the quake was centered about 70-75 miles south of us, we felt it and my blinds swayed back-n-forth, and my stand that holds our radio and all our pictures swayed back-n-forth also...i think if it would have lasted 10 more seconds or slightly stronger it would have fallen over.

I've lived in Concord for 5 years now and have on only felt 2 big jolts, andt hat was a few years ago when there had been small tremblers on this same fault. I remember then that those series of tremblers ranged from 3.0 to probably about 4. or so. They were centered about 10 miles south of us and we weren't feeling them too much as residents living near their center, but it went on for about 2 weeks, nothing since then. I did feel an earthquake in March,but I was in Oakland and closer to the center, and that was a quick jolt, but that one was centered on the Hayward fault i believe and since then had been quite a few jolts on the hayward fault since then. Being in Concord I didn't feel them. This is just another reminder of the possibility of an even bigger quake! The quake we had last nite was measured at 5.6 and didn't realize that this is the strongest quake to hit since the 1989 quake!! SCARY!!! That means there is alot of pressure build up on these faults!!! There is bound to be a release of its stress sooner or later.......praying it is much, much later!!!

For now, I will work on getting an emergency kit together......kept saying it was important, but never did anything about getting it together. But that was BEFORE I knew we lived above a fault!!!! Hope there are no more little reminders!! I remain nervous and jittery for days following a trembler...........did I mention I HATE earthquakes???

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Feeling Blue

I never would have imagined trying to conceive one baby would be so emotional, so stressful, so frustrating and so very painful! I was so afraid of having sex in high school because I didn't want to get pregnant, and I refrained from such pleasures until I felt I could handle an unplanned pregnancy. Luckily for me, my hubby would happen to be the first and only man in my life. We were both on the same page for the first 3 years of our relationship, avoiding pregnancy if we could. We were successful, and now, 4 years after making the decision we were ready for kids, we are still waiting! It has been such a long difficult journey and I would not wish upon anyone. Had I had a clue it would be this difficult, we would have tried a long long time ago. But then it all happens in the way its supposed to happen. Had I NOT been on birth control pills for 3 years, I would probably have no uterus right now.

While I'm being patient and don't loose hope or faith, this week has been very painful for me. I've been very emotional and fighting against everything not to get depressed! Can't help but recall where we were a year ago. We were beginning advanced treatment with our RE and had so much hope the injections and IUI would work and we would get pregnant. Well we did, and got my first ever BFP pregnancy test almost a year ago and suffered our known loss almost a year ago too. It is so hard to have accomplished getting pregnant only for it not to last that much longer. So I have found myself thinking of what could have been had that first cycle worked for us. Right now my baby would have been about 3 months old and thinking about that makes me very sad.

But must keep looking to the future and know that I will be holding my baby or babies in my arms soon, really soon! I just hope we can start IVF. Right now we would have been gearing up for egg retrieval/transfer, but because we have to pay out of pocket, could not afford to pay for it. We hope we can by December, but I find it hard to think we can. Sometimes it just seems like it isn't our time yet. I get notice from our insurance company notifying us that they received claims from my Dr. for last month's surgery and they are not going to cover ANYTHING! That is almost a $25,000 bill!!!! If we have to pay that, we are going to be screwed!!! I'm am hopeful that my Dr.s office can re-submit their claim and make sure they do not code it for Fertility reasons. We have no Fertility coverage, and although I understand that the hysteroscopy can not be for any other reason other than Fertility, I would assume the D&C would be covered because we did it to make sure there was no cancer present in my uterine lining!!! I wish my Dr.s office would be a little more cooperative, they haven't returned my calls regarding my account. I couldn't help myself, once I opened that from the insurance, i couldn't hold it in anymore, i just cried!

I cried in frustration of the whole dang process! My sweet dear husband was wonderful. I could tell he wanted to help me but had no clue how to help. All he kept telling me was that it was all going to be Okay! I believe him, but i still couldn't stop crying. He kept telling me ever so gently that I shouldn't give up, it will be okay! I smiled and said yeah i know, it will be okay! But i was and still am soooo frustrated!!!!!! And if my body would just cooperate and make a stronger effort, i might just ovulate! That at least gives a small chance....but nope, it wants to be difficult! So again after a valiant effort, my body didn't achieve ovulation! Oh well , there is always next cycle! Oh that pains of a woman trying to conceive a baby! It shouldn't be this make love with your husband, you make a baby........why are the most simplest things be so difficult?

Saturday, October 20, 2007

What I am Grateful for.......

I'm Grateful to be Cancer FREE!!! There is always a thought in the back of my mind, there is always a risk, while I still have a uterus and I don't always ovulate, that it can come back. My hubby and I had a brief discussion last week when i came back from my last visit with OUR acupuncturist (yes my hubby is putting aside his skepticism and starting seeing one to help with him get more energy) and this came up. I mentioned how I do worry it will come back before we are blessed with a pregnancy and that I won't get to experience the wonderful experience of carrying our child and giving birth to our child. He told me I shouldn't think about that or think like that. But how could I not I told him and always say to myself. I am clear and KNOW that it isn't going to come back, but to ignore the RISK or POSSIBILITY would make me irresponsible. I can not just forget because I have to pay close attention. I have to acknowledge my fear of Cancer coming back because if I don't, it will eat me up inside. I am very Grateful and Blessed that 2 years from being diagnosed, I still remain CANCER FREE! Of course Cancer will not come back... EVER.... because I am that much more informed and I'm prepared not to let it come back.

I am also Grateful for all the wonderful women I have met and continue to meet who are as "lucky" (and i say this VERY sarcastically) to go through this journey. These wonderful women fully understand the emotions of TTC with little or little success. BUT THEY DON'T GIVE UP! They help me when I'm down, remind me that there is an end to the long endless long tunnel, there a light at the end of it. I'm Grateful to the wonderful supportive family I have, but unless you have been down the road of struggling in TTC, it is hard to fully understand the level of frustration and even anger that comes with having trouble conceiving. It is hard not to feel alienated in some way from the rest of the "normal" fertile world, but thanks to the women who are on the same TTC journey as myself, I don't feel so alone! I'm so Grateful for that.

I'm very Grateful for having a husband who is compassionate and is my constant positive thinker. If he ever feels any doubts, frustrations, or even anger, He doesn't not show it at all. All i ever get from him is positivity. To him there is no room for failure in this, we will achieve pregnancy and birth of a beautiful healthy baby. On days when I am feeling so down about it all, I can just look at him and remind myself that HE feels it will happen, that I shake any negative feelings and focus on being positive. This journey would be a hell of a lot worse if he wasn't so wonderfully positive. I'll admit SOMETIMES, very RARELY, it is a bit annoying. But I'm GRATEFUL he remains positive.

I'm Grateful to God. God has me on this journey to learn very valuable lessons. God does not punish good people, and I know in my heart that God will grant me my biggest desire and wish to be a mother, to achieve a pregnancy and birth of a child. I know for a fact that I'm to be a mother to other children, who although may not come from me, are on this earth waiting for me to bring them home to me. I'm Grateful that I still have a strong faith in God and that I don't loose hope.

For all these things and so much more, I am thankful, I am Grateful....

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

It's Gonna BE ME!!!

Finally...i get to log back in and write down my random thoughts!! Computer at work just stopped working for awhile and i could never find the time at home....i don't know why. I usually feel like i do nothing at home, yet i'm busy...hmmmmmmm anywho, computer is fixed at work and so now i can take some time out when i need it to just write!

Not much going on since the last time i posted, sister is doing well and recoverying from the loss of her first baby. I'm sure she has some hard days, but she seems to be doing well. I hope so, i can not imagine how hard it would be to be 22 weeks pregnant and loose your baby. So sad, but God know why he does things, and fortunately, my sister felt the same way. She felt she did the right thing and it helps her to be at peace with it all. We are talking a little more, so that is nice. I know that we won't be as close as we once were, but at least we are building a new relationship. She is back in my life and I in hers, and i feel a little more comfortable with that as time goes on. Thank you to everyone who kept me and family in your thoughts and prayers during this tragic and difficult time! They certainly helped.

I had a very happy, yet strange dream recently. I dreamt that me and my hubby were somewhere, seemed like we were traveling, with my parents. For some reason i POAS (fertility talk for Pee On A Stick=home pregnancy test) and it came back positive. I had actually done 2 tests, one gave me 2 lines (which could have been an OPK kit) but iknew it wasn't because the other test was one of those clear blue was a + sign in blue dye! I sort of remember feeling happy and in shock, but then i switched dreams.... but i had never had such a dream it helps me stay positive. I once heard someone say "A funny thing about dreams is that they do come true" So i hold on to that.

I'm not sure when we will start IVF process. I'm hopefull we can start it next month, but realistically don't think we should or could afford to start. With the holidays getting closer i find myself feel ing a little blue and i can't help but to think of where I was a year ago. A year ago we started with more advanced treatments and had high hopes of not going through another holiday season with no baby or an empty belly. I still have hopes that we will soon be pregnant and have the child we so pray for, some days it just is a little hard. Acupuncture is helping, and the awful chinese herbs hopefully are too. I wish my body would just cooperate a little. I continue to take my temperature to see if maybe, just maybe my body will do what it should be doing. Maybe this will be our lucky cycle.... I always pray that this cycle is the cycle, and i know one day, my prayers will be answered. It seems like a lot of people are pregnant and i just hope to be one of them...and i will be!! It's Gonna be me the next one to announce a BFP!!

So for now I will hold on to my dream, not too tightly so that it will come true, but just enough help me let the sunshine in on one of my gloomy days!