Monday, June 25, 2007

Blue Monday

I usually do not care Mondays. Sometimes a Monday is uneventful and other days like today, they just seem like crap and set it up for a not so great week. First I just am all over the place with this cycle. The "Am I or Am I NOT Pregnant" is really starting to really get me down. I'm trying so very hard to stay positive, but so afraid of the disappointment of getting another negative pregnancy test. I need to remain prepared for that possibility because if I don't, the emotional breakdown that would come with that negative will be just too overwhelming....I'm trying not to over analyzing every little thing and panic when certain symptoms start to minimize themselves. Or over react when other symptoms persist. Some days, this game is just tooo damn hard.

Then I am trying to be supportive friend to my friend/boss who is now facing breast cancer treatment. She was recently diagnosed and I have been trying to help her and support her in any way I can. Due to this, I didn't plan a trip to Colorado with my mom, and planned on not taking unneccessary time off, so that she won't have to fret about work while she isn't feeling well, her having peace of mind that the office is running effectively if she isn't up to coming into the office. It is just myself and she in the office. Then my loving DH comes back very excited from his recent training to tell me that he signed us BOTH for an upcoming training in 2 WEEKS!!! I had to tell my boss i would need to take that week off and I just felt horrible. I'm stuck in the middle. I know that the Boss in she wanted to say that I couldn't take that week, but the friend in her granted me my week off. But i feel so bad not being here for her, and I would feel just as bad not attending w/ my hubby when he really really wants me to go down with him. I tried to tell him that i just find it too hard to go, and although he would understand, i just felt so horrible telling him probaby no. I asked him to hold off registration and asked if we could speak about it more later tonite...hung up with him and just put my face in my hands and cried!!!

Normally i wouldn't be this much of a cry baby.... but i've been too emotional all weekend. I was crying while watching the movie Wedding date w/ Debra Messing. Cute movie, but not one to make you cry like a baby over. Yet another sign I cling too!! And you know its going to be that kind of week when our Branch Manager's office is calling to inform us our BM will be in our office tomorrow morning for a surprise inspection! Could this day just get any better....?? It has too!!! I normally stress at the word AUDIT, so I'm stressing. I'm sure we will do fine, i'm not perfect but confident enough that we will do okay and walk away from audit relatively in decent least that is the hope i'm going to cling onto....

Tuesday, depite the audit, will be a much better day!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

One day less....

Woo hooo!!! I won't have to wait until June 30th to 14dpIUI(Days Past IUI)I get to test a day early!! I had forgotten that DH and I were going to be attending a conference in Modesto Sat.June 30th. So instead of looking for a lab out there, i thought I would ask to see if I could test a day early. So I call my nurse at my RE's office, and found out she no longer works there. I thought it was weird that i hadn't gotten a call from her with instructions last week and that she wasn't there my last visit. Anyways, the new nurse checked if I could take a pregnancy test a day before. That way I don't have worry about some other lab being able to get results to my RE same day. I'm excited!!! I am trying not to test early..i'm very tempted so that I can prepare myself for the final result. Being around my husband's associates won't allow me to wallow in pity IN CASE it's a BFN. But it won't be!!!!

So far no major symmptoms, but it's early still. My tatas have been sore for a week now, and last nite, for the first time EVER, I woke up in some serious pain! I was sleeping on my tummy in the middle of the bed (the only one benefit to DH being gone on business) and woke up in some serious tatas were hurting like hell!! I had to turn on my back and could lay on my tummy an more during the nite! That has never happened before. I guess my body has been producing its own progesterone and with the progesterone supplements on top of that, my progesterone levels must me through the roof...which i think would be a really good thing.

Well in other news, found out my sister is pregnant. Not just pregnant, but 10 weeks pregnant..almost 3 months along. She said she just found out Monday, but she and her boyfriend had suspicions. While i'm happy for the blessing that will be my niece or nephew, how can she get pregnant before me. They don't need to have any more kids. HOnestly, he has custody of his kids and together are raising his kids and can barely make ends meet. I honestly don't know if he is working, she just finished with her grad school and as far as I know didn't have a job. I was in complete shock, she has also had irregular periods like myself. We all assumed that she would have same problems conceiving when ever she would try. NOt sure if she was trying not. But in my opinion, if you are not using any type of birth control, then you are trying or at least hoping to get pregnant...just my own opinion. So now I just believe and know that God has planned to bless me with a child of my own. There are reasons for everything in life...we may know why right away or we may have to be patient for the truth to be revealed.

Well, I am praying for a BFP this month. I don't care that I will share my pregnancy with my sister...we were once very close. All my other close friends and family have started their families some time ago, so at least my baby won't be too lonely and will have a cousin close to his/her age. My sister is due early January, I would be due early about close. Well I will sit back and just wait for my BFP that I will get next Friday!!!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Waiting Game

Life is all about waiting. We wait to grow up, wait to finish school, we wait to meet that perfect someone, we wait to start a family, wait to get pregnant, then wait for baby to be born, then wait for them to grow up. I am now waiting to find out if our latest treatment worked and we are pregnant. We had our IUI (Intra Uterin Insmeination) Saturday and it went well. Looks promising...but now I have to wait to see if it workd and we get pregnant. I will go in for bloodwork Saturday June 30th. I am so very hopefull that it works this time. We have been waiting for so long, trying for so long. We just are hoping for one healthy baby. I really don't want to move on to IVF(In-Vitro Fertilization) because it is so costly and there are no guarantees. We will have to wait and see.

So far I don't feel much. I do feel slightly bloated, but not as much as the last time we did an IUI cycle. The last time we tried was in February and by 4 days after IUI, I was so bloated I looked like i was 5 months pregnant. I feel some stretching in my uterus and some slight bloatiness, but not much else. Almost like the first time we tried IUI. I really didn't feel too bloated past the day of the IUI, not until a few days before our pregnancy test did i start to feel different. So now I will wait for next week and hope i have some indication that I am pregnant. One long wait!!!

So I sit tight and wait...hoping the next wait is to await the birth of our baby!! Praying for that wait!!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Saying Goodbye to a Friend....

Four years ago, at this time, I was sitting in my living room in shock. For I had gotten unexpected news just a few hours earlier. A dear childhood friend had died. He was my age, 26 at that time, and had 2 kids. He was now dead. Died in a horrible car accident caused by a drunk driver. I had not seen much of my friend in the years after high school, but I just knew that our paths would cross at some point, and it would be like we always hung out together & never lost touch. Four years later, it is still hard for me to really believe he is dead. We grew up together just around the corner from each other. There were a bunch of us that grew up together and played together as kids. Summer time was the best...we would all just play games, go swimming, and just be kids together. My friend was always very sweet to me. He was my first crush and the first boy I came to love. He was special. He was always happy, and always smiling. I can't remember that many occasions when he wasn't happy or smiling. When he wasn't, you knew it was serious.

His death hit me hard because dear friends my age are not supposed to die in their 20's. It also hit hard because it was unexpected and I just knew that we would always be in touch. Every time I drove around town, I just knew in the back of my mind, I would run into him again. Now, 4 years later, that will never happen. I have a lot of wonderful memories of us growing up. I could always count on him to make me feel better if i was having a bad day. I know that there was a lot of love between us, even though we never took our friendship to the next level(as much as I or he may have wanted to), I know that out of respect for that friendship, neither of us took that step, no matter how much we flirted with the idea. I will be the first to admit, he was a player... =-P He loved the ladies and the ladies loved him back. But I was one of the very lucky girls in his life to call myself his friend, and he my friend.

During my awkward teenage years, when i was a little on the chubby side and not quite comfortable in my skin, he always made me feel so pretty. I know that thanks to him, I had self-esteem as a teenager. It is always sad to see a ray of sunshine gone from one's life. His pride and his joy were his kids, and it makes me sooo sad to know that his kids didn't have much time with their dad, to know him and enjoy him as so many of us were blessed to have had that with their dad. 4 years later, I can still think of him and smile, for he was a funny guy, but also very sensitive and very sweet. All his family and friends miss him and will always remember him as he was. I am very thankful that I have sooo many wonderful memories of him. I am also one of the few lucky ones who he visits in my dreams. In almost every dream we are kids and having a good time as we all did during our fun filled youth. Gives me comfort to know that where ever he is, he is looking down on all of us who loved him, and he is happy.

I try not to be too sad and remember just the good times we all had. 4 years later, he is really missed by all of us, but he is alive in our hearts and will be for always.

Love you my dear friend, continue to rest in peace....

Monday, June 11, 2007

Let the countdown begin

If all goes according to my planning, IUI should occur by this upcoming weekend. I had my first ultra-sound check yesterday morning and YAY!! I did inject myself correctly and my ovaries are producing.. I had about 10-15 follicles in each ovary. I think i had at least 4 follies measuring 8 or 9 and the smallest measuring 5. I will go back in tomorrow morning for another ultra-sound check and we'll see what my Dr.s suggestion is. They left me on the same dose of 125iu of follistim. Thank goodness my hubby is home so he can resume his duty and take over injections. They were not fun!! And last nite, i don't know why or what i did, I must have really injected myself in my muscle, because after giving myself the injection for about a good half hour after it hurt to move and flex my arms. I know that some women don't do injections in their arms, i think maybe the thigh area is a little more common. But since the begining my Dr. has had me do injections in my arms. Apparently it isn't very common because when we did our first cycle, when i asked the nurse where i should do the last "Trigger" shot, they were surprised to find out i was having the injections done in the my arms.

Anywho... So no more self injections and hopefully IUI will be done Saturday or Sunday!! Wooo Hooo!! I'll know more after tomorrow's ultra-sound check. That is all for now..i'm exhausted and i'm leaving for home now. My hubby didn't get in until almost 4 am and I had trouble sleeping until he got home. I have suffered from sleep deprivation since Friday night, but iwas really bad last night. I was up until 1 am folding laundry and finishing up some house work... I can't even believe...ME up at 1 am doing house work... i just wasn't sleepy or tired...finally i just took a nice warm shower (it was pretty warm last nite) and that finally helped me fall to sleep.... only to wake up at 2 and then at 3 am and i didn't fall back to sleep until after hubby came home. As soon as we curled up together..i was out and fast asleep. So deeply i didn't even hear my alarm go off. Took my temp anyway just to stay in habit, an hour later, but it had to be taken at 7 since i have tohave 3 hours of consecutive sleep... So i'm off to deal with hopefully minimal traffic and I will definitely will be asleep early tonite!!!!Adios for now!!

Friday, June 8, 2007

Home Alone

I hate being home alone!!! My hubby is gone to Los Angeles for a business workshop for 3 nites and 4 days... =-( and he left me all alone!! I am bummed about that. I have never really liked to be alone. I'm doing good so far... I didn't go running to my mom and dad like I really wanted too!! I knew my mom would love to have me spend the weekend with them...but as much as I do love them, I need to stay home and behave like a "Big" girl =-P It is not all that bad...being home alone...but I have to inject myself...aaahhhhgggg I hate needles about as much as I hate being home alone!! I'm just screwed these next few days. Hubby left last nite and as much as I wasn't looking forward to poking myself, it wasn't THAT bad. I did curse my husband for not being there....but after much praying, I managed to do it and it wasn't that bad. I still wouldn't prefer to inject myself. But at least it's for a good cause....

I have an ultra-sound appoint Sunday to check how my ovaries are responding. I'm excited and can't wait to go and see. My Dr. has me injecting myself with 125 units (iu) which is the same amount i was on my last IUI cycle. I know not every cycle is the same, that is why i'm really anxious about my sunday appointment. If this cycle is similar to the last cycle, we should be doing IUI by next weekend...Father's Day weekend. How appropriate i think. It would be great to get pregnant on Father's day. I can't wait. I'm trying very hard to be excited for the best outcome, but also wanting to remain wary of the possibility of not getting the results we want. I just don't want to be an emotional mess afterwards...Man this is too hard.

I remain positive in feeling that we all have our journey's for a reason. God does have a plan for us, and I know, for I am certain of it, that kids are in God's plans for us. No doubt about. I know that I didn't go through Cancer treatment, and even with the last scare of it possibility coming back, to be sitting here now, Cancer FREE and with my uterus in tact only not to get pregnant and enjoy all the wonder of being pregnant and bringing a healthy child to this world. I hope i do get that chance sooner rather than later, we've wanted this for too long I'm starting to get impatient!!! =-P But I know that it's in God's hands and it will happen soon. For now I will continue to Suck it Up and inject myself until hubby gets home Sunday nite and keep asking that my follies grow, grow, grow... and will keep praying that I realease at least 1 good one that will become our future child!! Grow follies Grow!!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Third time is the charm.......

I'm a little anxious, excited, nervous.... I'm now on Cycle Day(CD)3 and will start my Follistim injections tonight. This will be our 3rd and most likely final attempt trying to conceive using the IUI method. If it's unsuccessful, we will most likely move onto IVF in the Fall.... I sure wish this IUI attempt works! I am very hopeful but I am also trying to prepare myself for the worst. It will be very hard to go through this again and get a negative pregnancy test again. It is all a gamble I know, but when you have been 'playing' as long as I have, it gets harder and harder to not win...just once.

I have told close family and friends that I have started a new treatment cycle. We had done our last cycle in complete one knew anything and that was not too hard, but it would have been helpful to me emotionally if I had shared it with someone. I took the news really hard when my Dr. called and told me the pregnancy test was negative. I really like my Dr. I can tell she really didn't want to call me with the negative results. I usually hear from her between 12 & 2 pm, that day she didnt call until almost 5pm. It would have been nice to have the option of calling on someone. Don't get me wrong, my husband was wonderful and was there for me...but he was able to bounce back and begin to look forward again. I on the other hand, needed to dwell on "what almost was" a little longer. So I figure if a few more people know about it, I will have that much more prayers said on our behalf and we will be blessed sooner rather than later.....

My first u/s check will be on Sunday. I was surprised that the Dr. wanted me to start taking 125 units, i thought she would have started me off with lower dose, but i trust she knows what she is doing. I hate needles...good think my hubby enjoys poking me. Makes it so much easier. Let's see how many little follies I end up with this time. Last time my ovaries were super producers and produced 8 follies....all i need is one good one..... but we'll see.

It will be a very interesting journey as I try not to over analyze every little funny feeling.... but it will be fine I'm sure. All I'm asking for is for 1 healthy baby... we can always adopt at a later date, but for now, I'm sure praying for a positive pregnancy test, healthy pregnancy, and one healthy baby... or 2.....=-)I am hoping 3rd time is the charm for us.......we will have to wait and see!