Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Waiting for THE visit.... Praying for a Miracle

One of the hardest things of being Fertility Challenged is that I am always trying to be realistic, expect no miracle to occur month after month, and still pray for one to happen and be disappointed when 'Aunt Flo' (aka AF= menstrual period) makes her appearance every month. Even when I'm taking provera to induce a visit from AF I still find myself waiting AF's arrival and praying that a Miracle has taken place and that AF won't be showing up for 9 months.  I try very hard to believe that I'm not going to hope to become pregnant every month, even though I have told myself that it won't happen without the help of some fertility assistance. I know that I don't ovulate without heavy medication and my body can't pull it off by itself, therefore, until I can move onto doing IVF, there is no way I can be pregnant.

Despite knowing this, I still hope for a miracle.  Right now I'm awaiting a visit of AF, and AF should have been here Monday, at the very latest Tuesday, but it is now Wednesday with some very small signs AF will be here today. It can get very sad and depressing at moments, but I must keep going... after all, I'm still trying to stay in my "happy state". That in itself is harder on some days and easier on other days.  On days like today, where I hear on the news of a mother who was using her 3 small children to shoplift. Now I really don't know the woman's situation and by no means am I passing judgement on her, but it made me sad that she has 3 kids and she was teaching them such things.  I can't help but feel like it's unfair that she has kids and I don't.  Again, she might have been in a very desperate situation that drove her to use her kids to shoplift, but then again maybe she isn't and she is a thief just to be a thief. 

But it is stories like this that reminds me of other stories of mothers abusing their children, neglecting their children and in some really bad situations, kill their children.  I would do none of those things and have yet to have a child to love and hold.  I guess i just grow frustrated that after 5 very long years of trying for the family me and my husband desire, that I grow fearful everyday that maybe I'm not to have children of my own. I can be okay with this too though. I just wish I knew when our time would come to have a houseful of children (biologically ours or not)? 

As much as I love all my godchildren, nieces and nephews, they are not mine. And even though they may see me as a second mom, I'm still not their mom. When they fall and hurt themselves, it is not me they initially run to for comfort. It's not I who gets to tuck them in at night.  I love all my boys dearly and I know that my soul would have died a long time ago if it weren't that they were all a part of my life. Unfortunately, some days that isn't enough anymore. It is hard to explain to friend and family  IRL(in real life) because it does sound a bit bad. It is hard for them to see and understand the ongoing pain and the pain when my boys have gone home and my house is again empty and void of the noise and warmth that is filled by children.  I am forever grateful to be a part of all my boys' lives, and because of the unconditional love i have for each of them, I now know for certain that I will be able to love a child unconditionally even if that child isn't biologically mine and my husband's.  

So I continue to play the waiting game. I await the visit from AF.  I wait for a Miracle. I wait until I am blessed with the child/children I pray for everyday to God.  I will continue to patiently wait and I pray.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Random Thought: JLo's twins & ART

I picked up the People magazine with Jennifer Lopez and her precious twins on the cover. I couldn't help it, not only am I slightly obsessed with twins (LOL), but I like a majority of people out there are curious about celebrities and their babies! I had heard about it all week long about JLo and her twins, and all the questions about did she really or did she really not do IVF or some other form of ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) and here is my own opinion on that: Why should anyone care!?!?!?! LOL Okay, some of us do care! I am happy for her, if she and her husband have been trying for a while, I'm happy she is now able to enjoy raising her children.  

If she did or she didn't, what does it matter, she has the babies she has been wanting for some time now, isn't that enough? I don't hear those questions being raised about Angelina Jolie's supposedly twin pregnancy, so why is it a question in Jennifer Lopez twin birth?? Twins can result in any natural conception and is fairly common. I just find it fairly interesting though.  For me, being Fertility Challenged, if she did do some form of ART and is denying it like it should be some shameful secret, then yeah it is sad that as a woman we must feel some sort of shame in admitting we need assistance in reproduction.  It isn't easy to admit and some are more open than others. I find myself starting to feel more comfortable admitting that my husband and I are having to resort to not-so-natural methods to achieve pregnancy.  I know other women who are open about it from the beginning and others that are like myself and not so very open about our fertility challenges.

I have come across other women, some that are fertility challenged and some that are not, who feel that JLo is denying she had some sort of ART assistance and feel put off that she is denying it. I find this funny because who decides that JLo has to publicly admit she had ART assistance if she indeed had some assistance? Why can't she keep this to herself? Sure she is a celebrity and could do a lot of good and shine some light in a very private quiet battle of so many women around the world. But don't we all choose if we are public or not about our battles with infertility? Besides, twins runs in her and her husband's families, why is it so hard to believe these were naturally conceived twins?

Maybe because of her age and the fact that they are a perfect little boy and a little girl! LOL Yes in the back of mind, IVF w/ PGD screamed out in my head... LOL but again, if she did or if she didn't, the end result is that she was blessed with two beautiful precious angels. I only hope to be as lucky as she and other mothers (fertility challenged or not) and soon will hold a precious baby or two of my own in my arms. And all I know is that, I wish I could look as great as she does so soon after i have my babies too!!! LOL She looked amazing, although I don't think I would have the energy to dress up an a beautiful gown to feed my babies.... unless she lends me her personal trainer, at least one of her mother's helpers, and the group of stylists she has working for her.... then maybe I can look almost as good!! LOL 

I joke of course! I congratulate her and all new mammas!! I also wish her babies luck as they, along with so many other celebrity babies, grow up in the microscope of the newfound career that is being paparazzi......

Happy Spring!!!

Friday, March 14, 2008

In pursuit of a happy state

It has been a while since I expressed myself. Part of me needed too, and another part just didn't want to deal with everything. I found myself struggling with mild depression, but dealt with it the best way I knew how and got past it. I also found myself preparing myself to face my birthday. I had to constantly keep myself from mourning that my due date from my last miscarriage was my birth date. Once I started to walk out of the fog i was in, I started to pursue a happy state. I was determine to not think of what should have been and focused and concentrated on what is. It is easier said than done, but I managed it and enjoyed a quiet birthday. I think i only thought of my lost baby a few times, but overall enjoyed my special day and celebrated that I was now 31 years young. I'm not sure that being away attending a conference with my hubby with his company helped or not. I was bummed not to have spent it with my family, but i spent it with our extended family that are made up of my hubby's business associates. They are all great and they sang me happy birthday and it was very sweet of them.

My focus now is to remain in this happy state that I am always pursuing to stay in. Not sure if that make sense or not. But I am trying to focus on what I have instead of what I don't have. My other fertility challenged friend is doing the same thing and I realized that when you struggle with being fertility challenged  you find yourself mourning what you DON"T have instead of what you do.... or at least forget to be grateful and happy for what you do have. At least that is what I found out about myself. Since I have been shifting my focus on what I have, life is getting easier to get through. Some of the emotional stress I have found myself living with has been lifted. With pursuing my happy state, I have switched my focus. My desire to achieve pregnancy and form a family with husband is still very much there, and pray that it happens for us, but it isn't my entire focus.

I attended my husband's company national convention last week in Los Angeles and it was great. I normally attend and I don't always enjoy it or find it beneficial for me. I have always attended in an effort to support my hard working hubby and get a better understanding of his company so I can help him expand his business whenever I can. It was very informative and was happy that I attended. I have now found where i can shift my focus too. I am now focused on helping my husband build his business. With his company, his income potential is unlimited and at the same time he will help so many families achieve financial success and eventually achieve financial freedom for them. I have always supported my husband, it is a hard business to start in because at first one is away from home a lot in the evenings at appointments, but over time it is less and less. I came to realize that my husband needs me to be supportive in a different way. I am taking a more hands on approach and will be pushing my husband way more than before. It will require a lot of hard work from both of us, but to achieve great success one must work hard to gain it.

I think I'm okay emotionally right now, but realize that I might benefit from finding a local support group to help me deal with the infertility. I'm okay right now, but what about in a month or in 6 months? I'm not sure where I will be and I don't want to slip into any form of depression again. So I will track one down and join. As I do that I also will be helping plan my sister's babyshower. She is pregnant with a Healthy baby girl, and I am excited. 

Some days it is sad that my turn hasn't come up yet. I think that is what makes it hard to communicate with friends in-real-life (IRL) because they sometimes mistake my sadness about my circumstance for me being upset or not happy about their news of pregnancy or someone else's pregnancy. It is always about working to maintain balance in the friendship and reassure that I am happy for them or others who are fertile. But with that reassurance there always an explanation that comes with it. An explanation that I'm sad for me, for my circumstance and that it is totally separate from my feeling about them or that friend that is having their baby. I think this why I would so benefit from a support group. I don't have to give explanations of any sort really, they all understand.  It will help be able to open up more and talk freely about being fertility challenged to my friends IRL that are fertile. I think because I don't get to fully address my sorrows at being fertility challenged whenever I'm feeling sad about my circumstance, my poor friends IRL feel helpless and often unsure of what to say.

The one thing that is clear for me about being fertility challenged, you are not the only one who suffers, everyone who loves and cares about you suffer too.  I suffer because i can't express how I feel to others who have no idea of the fertility struggle, and friends suffer because they really can't relate and don't know what to say to offer comfort.  But in time, we will all be on the same page and our friendships will get back to some sort of normalcy and we can all enjoy our company again....which is why i don't give up pursuing my happy state!