Despite knowing this, I still hope for a miracle. Right now I'm awaiting a visit of AF, and AF should have been here Monday, at the very latest Tuesday, but it is now Wednesday with some very small signs AF will be here today. It can get very sad and depressing at moments, but I must keep going... after all, I'm still trying to stay in my "happy state". That in itself is harder on some days and easier on other days. On days like today, where I hear on the news of a mother who was using her 3 small children to shoplift. Now I really don't know the woman's situation and by no means am I passing judgement on her, but it made me sad that she has 3 kids and she was teaching them such things. I can't help but feel like it's unfair that she has kids and I don't. Again, she might have been in a very desperate situation that drove her to use her kids to shoplift, but then again maybe she isn't and she is a thief just to be a thief.
But it is stories like this that reminds me of other stories of mothers abusing their children, neglecting their children and in some really bad situations, kill their children. I would do none of those things and have yet to have a child to love and hold. I guess i just grow frustrated that after 5 very long years of trying for the family me and my husband desire, that I grow fearful everyday that maybe I'm not to have children of my own. I can be okay with this too though. I just wish I knew when our time would come to have a houseful of children (biologically ours or not)?
As much as I love all my godchildren, nieces and nephews, they are not mine. And even though they may see me as a second mom, I'm still not their mom. When they fall and hurt themselves, it is not me they initially run to for comfort. It's not I who gets to tuck them in at night. I love all my boys dearly and I know that my soul would have died a long time ago if it weren't that they were all a part of my life. Unfortunately, some days that isn't enough anymore. It is hard to explain to friend and family IRL(in real life) because it does sound a bit bad. It is hard for them to see and understand the ongoing pain and the pain when my boys have gone home and my house is again empty and void of the noise and warmth that is filled by children. I am forever grateful to be a part of all my boys' lives, and because of the unconditional love i have for each of them, I now know for certain that I will be able to love a child unconditionally even if that child isn't biologically mine and my husband's.
So I continue to play the waiting game. I await the visit from AF. I wait for a Miracle. I wait until I am blessed with the child/children I pray for everyday to God. I will continue to patiently wait and I pray.