Holiday gloom.....POOF be Gone!

I still can't believe Christmas is a week away! Time sure has flown by too quickly! I'm excited and looking forward to spending time with family. Of course i am dreading the questions from those who have no clue what we have been trying to do for the last 4, almost 5 years...... "So when you going to have a baby??" It's an innocent question, but c'mon, after so many years of the same question same answer of "we're trying" when will they get a clue?? I have to laugh out loud because otherwise I will become bitter, and that is something I don't want to become. I have always had a cheery disposition, a positive outlook on life and was always fun to be around....Sadly i have caught myself being just the opposite of that. I am not liking that one bit. This whole infertility process is so very stressful on so many various levels and it just sucks big time. Getting to the point of acceptance that maybe no matter what you thought before, your plan on becoming a mom by getting pregnant, birthing and raising that child isn't what God had in mind for you, can be a little hard to swallow and even welcome the thought. At first.....

I know there are so many women who have tried, will continue to try to become mothers in what shoud be "naturally", for so many, many years. They are some strong women. I am not that strong. I'm not giving up, but I'm growing tired and weary. While I may change my mind, I have decided that 2008 will be my last year of trying to conceive a child. Of course this isn't set in stone or anything and i may think differently a year from now, but as of right now, I think I will throw in the towel in trying to conceive my own baby and pursue motherhood in some other way. I know my hubby will support my decision, but only after exhausting all possibilities. So we will try one more IUI w/ injections, hoping that it might work better while doing acupuncture treatments. If it doesn't work then we will try IVF once maybe twice and see what happens. I just can't continue to feel like this. I came to this decision the beginning of December, shortly after learning of my sister's pregnancy.....

Funny how God works, would you know that just a week after making my decision and declaring the end of 2008 the end of the line, the acupuncture and herbs kicked in, and helped my body actually Ovulate!!! While it's still a bit early, I did get a + OPK (ovulation predictor kit) i NEVER get a +. I started using them last cycle since based on my temps, looked like my body would try to ovulate so i started using them to check to see how close my body would get to ovulation. Last cycle they never got close to being +, but just last week, i got a few that were really close and one that was +. I was so excited. I would get so frustrated because we would not even have a shot what so ever to getting pregnant on my own because i wouldn't ovulate. But I believe I did this month!!! I have one half the battle this month! Now I only hope i did ovulate and pray I get a BFP going into the new year. I would nothing more than to start off a new year pregnant. All is possible i know. I also know that while i will be a wee bit disappointed if I'm not pregnant, at least i ovulated!! And I will be grateful for that!

For now, I will enjoy the holidays and celebrate with family and friends. It is the most wonderful time of the year! Although I could go without the grumpy shoppers.... 2008 is full of new promises, and also will come with a new baby in our family.... a niece or nephew for me to spoil!

Unfair.....Such is life

So I ask out loud..."When is it my turn?" I'm feeling a bit confused right now. I am happy, sad, confused, not quite angry, maybe feeling impatient....why you may ask...? My sister called me last nite to give me the news that she is expecting a baby again. Barely 3 months after her loss, she is blessed with a new baby. Maybe the Stork got us confused??? I'm wondering what I have to do to get pregnant around here??? It is amazing that we have the same genes, have had irregular periods all our lives and she is fertile and I'm not? Who did she talk to that I didn't??? I can't help but to feel frustrated at all of it. I just want to throw my hands up and just forget it all!!! I think i'm going to reconsider taking a trip!!! HAHAHA..... I'm sure i can forget about life when i'm sitting on a beach somewhere drinking a fruity cocktail with a pineapple and an paper umbrella sticking out of it!!! Sure i can pretend that life as i know it, doesn't exist!!! Unfortunately, when running away, you always have to come back.

Of course my sister should be happy, and I do feel bad that I can't be as happy about it as she is. I find it hard simply because of her situation, it isn't the best. If it were better I would be happier for her, I would still be sad because it seems so easy for her and not for me, but I would be more excited with her. I know that God has a great plan, and in time it will be revealed. But for now i want to stew in my funk! =-) I want to pout and kick a rock and dwell a little in the unfairness of it all!

I will pray this baby is healthy and that I can meet her or him in 8-9 months! It never matter what circumstance a baby is born in, they are innocent in all of it, and they should be loved and cherished by all! I know that I will love my niece or nephew with all my heart, I also pray that I can have a baby too, a cousin for him/her to play with too!

Bumming around......

So not much going on in life! Life is pretty quiet when nothing going on! Still on the quest for a child and some days i'm okay with the wait, other days, the emptiness is just unbearable! My hubby was away on business last week and did all that I could to keep myself busy during the evenings.....but the time alone was nice. But i'm happy to have him home!

I survived Thanksgiving......but anyone could with a bottle, or 2, of wine in your system!! Yes i know... bad girl! But it was fun. I blocked out completely everything of a year ago.... knowing i was pregnant, praying for a sticky little bean, that wasn't to be. With the advice of my acupuncturist, i just blocked it out! That helped me enjoy the holiday with family! Now i will have to do the same this Christmas! Tequila shots should help with that! Ha!! I'm such a lush! But seriously, it will be a great christmas! With the end of Christmas comes a new year!

A new year is full of new possibilities! A new year will bring new wishes and loaded with all new optimism for a successful year!!! I have made the declaration that come next Christmas, we will have a baby in our lives! It will either biological or not, but me and my hubby will have a child or two to cherish and shower love upon this time next year!!!! I HAVE MADE THE DECLARATION!! God is Great and will not fail me! We deserve this more than anything and it will happen in 2008!!!

Now it's time to face the holiday crowds!!! Crowds is what I most dislike about holiday shopping....everyone seems to be in a rush and is outright rude! Was there ever a time where shoppers were merry and considerate??? Me and the hubby prefer late evening shopping...it is usually quieter and less busy. What I'm most excited about is the baking i'm going to do!!! Me and hopefully my godsons will start a christmas tradition of baking christmas cookies! They enjoyed decorating Halloween Pumpkins in October, maybe they will enjoy decorating cookies! If it weren't for "My Boys" i know that I would have shriveled up and died by now....they are the light of my life in so many ways! I'm blessed to be so involved in their lives and for them to be in mine! I can't help but to get a tingly inside when they accidentally call me "mom" on occasion....too cute! I think that is what keeps me afloat emotionally......

Till next time!

I just want to be a Mom...

I still can't believe Thanksgiving is a few days away! And the month of November is almost done too!!! Wow! I haven't had the energy or time to blog this month, which bums me out some because that means that I didn't get to vent this month! It has been a tough month to be honest with myself. It was a year ago that we found out i was pregnant for the first time ever, but was going to probably loose it...which i did! I have been determined to enjoy the holidays, but really, if we could have, i would have talked Dh into taking a trip somewhere. It is the first time ever that i don't want to be around for the holidays! I look forward to this time of year every year. But if I could, I would hop on a plain, train or even a car and take off somewhere!!! yeah i know...running away from things doesn't make them go away!!

I really am not loosing faith, but I am running thin on patience. I just really don't know how much more i can take! I do pray every day for strength and for patience, but not sure how much i have left. I am just not myself and find it hard to care about anything else but trying to conceive, and how much i wish i could hold my baby in my arms or rub my pregnant belly....but that is just not my reality and i have to just come to terms with that!! It is getting harder and harder......I had looked forward to at least bonding w/ my neice, but even that isn't going to be either. I KNOW that God has a great plan for me and for my hubby, we are good loving people who can't wait to have a child, and we deserve to be parents because we will make great parents....i just wish that I could make him a dad!

One day a few years ago, I realized something. I realized that we would make great parents to a child who needed it. So i started looking into becoming foster parents. I was in the middle of cancer treatment and knew that there was a slight chance that I may not have the opportunity to get pregnant and carry our child. And i decided that we were meant to be foster parents. Me and hubby had always planned to become foster parents after having a family, i just couldn't help but think that maybe that we were going to have to move up that plan. Well for a number of reasons, I didn't get passed getting some information and then didn't pursue it further. Well over this weekend, i just came to terms w/ just wanting to be a mom. I am not giving up on having our own child, but so many obstacles have come our way and we are not sure when we begin the IVF process, that i started to think that I just want to be a mom and maybe we should look into becoming foster parents now! Maybe there is a child out there that really needs us NOW. I got my hubby to agree to go attend the informational meeting the county has every month to get more information. I am hopefull that we can becomre foster parents in 2008. I know that it will be hard and to get attached to child and they get placed back with their family will be hard, but if we can at least provide a warm, loving and secure environment for a child that needs it during a difficult time in their life, i can handle it! Especially if i was meant to do this.....

After all, I just really want to be a mom....what is better than being a mom to 1,2 or 100 kids that need it for a short time while their family life gets back on track??

What a day!!

Today is a great day for so many reasons!!! One, the BIG QUAKE didn't strike!! (hahaha a little morbid joke) 2, it's Halloween!!!!!!!! I love Halloween!!! I didn't dress up this year like other years....hopefully next year! and 3, the most important reason, I got a KITCHENAID MIXER!!! Christmas arrived early for me! My boss who is a great friend of mine, walked in this morning with a nicely wrapped box. The wrapping was a solid red (she couldn't find christmas wrapping can you believe it?) and told me i could open it or wait till christmas!!! Which is a big joke because i have no concept of delayed gratification!! But because she said it was for me and my hubby i was a good wife i called and asked him if it was okay to open! He knows me too well! His first and constant question was "what is it?" even though i had told him it was OUR gift and I didn't open it yet!! heeheeheee

So while he was on speaker phone i opened up the big red present! Low and behold it was a gray/chrome mixer staring back at me. My hubby knew was it was before we could tell him (by this time my friend was standing by my desk watching me open the gift!) I felt like a kid on Christmas morning and opening what i had wanted for christmas from Santa!!! I couldn't believe she had bought me this wonderful and expensive gift!!! Her reasoning for giving it to me now is that I will need to do my baking for thanksgiving. Which is true. My hand held mixer i had broke and was in the process of looking for one because i would be needing it! Now i will have a bakefest!!! I did what was natural, I cried!!! I hugged her and thanked her. I feel so blessed she is in my life and that she is our friend! By the way this is the same friend who was diagnosed w/ breast cancer early summer....how could she be buying me such a gift? I am wondering if she knows about her surprise b-day party i have been planning with her mom for hte last month!..hmmmm i guess I'll find out AFTER her party!

I am feeling so lucky and looking forward! What a Halloween to remember!!!!

Oh yeah...It's Earthquake Country

I sooooo hate earthquakes!!!!!! They freak me out!!!! I think NO ONE could be used to earthquakes! We had one last night and it was pretty significant. Living where i do, I don't feel too many. Up until last night thought that was because we were not that close to a fault line. Now I know different and discovered via news coverage of last nites MODERATE trembler, there is a fault line that runs underneath my little suburb of Concord!!! YIKES!!!! While this is no major fault like the San Andreas(the big 6.9 tremblor in 1989 was on this fault) or Hayward fault (seismologists belive our next big quake will be on this fault). Last nights quake was on the calavaras fault and it runs right under my city....which is probably why hubby and I really felt it last nite! Scary!!!!!!! It was a rolling motion then a back-n-forth sway for what seemed it lasted longer than 15 seconds. Although the quake was centered about 70-75 miles south of us, we felt it and my blinds swayed back-n-forth, and my stand that holds our radio and all our pictures swayed back-n-forth also...i think if it would have lasted 10 more seconds or slightly stronger it would have fallen over.

I've lived in Concord for 5 years now and have on only felt 2 big jolts, andt hat was a few years ago when there had been small tremblers on this same fault. I remember then that those series of tremblers ranged from 3.0 to probably about 4. or so. They were centered about 10 miles south of us and we weren't feeling them too much as residents living near their center, but it went on for about 2 weeks, nothing since then. I did feel an earthquake in March,but I was in Oakland and closer to the center, and that was a quick jolt, but that one was centered on the Hayward fault i believe and since then had been quite a few jolts on the hayward fault since then. Being in Concord I didn't feel them. This is just another reminder of the possibility of an even bigger quake! The quake we had last nite was measured at 5.6 and didn't realize that this is the strongest quake to hit since the 1989 quake!! SCARY!!! That means there is alot of pressure build up on these faults!!! There is bound to be a release of its stress sooner or later.......praying it is much, much later!!!

For now, I will work on getting an emergency kit together......kept saying it was important, but never did anything about getting it together. But that was BEFORE I knew we lived above a fault!!!! Hope there are no more little reminders!! I remain nervous and jittery for days following a trembler...........did I mention I HATE earthquakes???

Feeling Blue

I never would have imagined trying to conceive one baby would be so emotional, so stressful, so frustrating and so very painful! I was so afraid of having sex in high school because I didn't want to get pregnant, and I refrained from such pleasures until I felt I could handle an unplanned pregnancy. Luckily for me, my hubby would happen to be the first and only man in my life. We were both on the same page for the first 3 years of our relationship, avoiding pregnancy if we could. We were successful, and now, 4 years after making the decision we were ready for kids, we are still waiting! It has been such a long difficult journey and I would not wish upon anyone. Had I had a clue it would be this difficult, we would have tried a long long time ago. But then it all happens in the way its supposed to happen. Had I NOT been on birth control pills for 3 years, I would probably have no uterus right now.

While I'm being patient and don't loose hope or faith, this week has been very painful for me. I've been very emotional and fighting against everything not to get depressed! Can't help but recall where we were a year ago. We were beginning advanced treatment with our RE and had so much hope the injections and IUI would work and we would get pregnant. Well we did, and got my first ever BFP pregnancy test almost a year ago and suffered our known loss almost a year ago too. It is so hard to have accomplished getting pregnant only for it not to last that much longer. So I have found myself thinking of what could have been had that first cycle worked for us. Right now my baby would have been about 3 months old and thinking about that makes me very sad.

But must keep looking to the future and know that I will be holding my baby or babies in my arms soon, really soon! I just hope we can start IVF. Right now we would have been gearing up for egg retrieval/transfer, but because we have to pay out of pocket, could not afford to pay for it. We hope we can by December, but I find it hard to think we can. Sometimes it just seems like it isn't our time yet. I get notice from our insurance company notifying us that they received claims from my Dr. for last month's surgery and they are not going to cover ANYTHING! That is almost a $25,000 bill!!!! If we have to pay that, we are going to be screwed!!! I'm am hopeful that my Dr.s office can re-submit their claim and make sure they do not code it for Fertility reasons. We have no Fertility coverage, and although I understand that the hysteroscopy can not be for any other reason other than Fertility, I would assume the D&C would be covered because we did it to make sure there was no cancer present in my uterine lining!!! I wish my Dr.s office would be a little more cooperative, they haven't returned my calls regarding my account. I couldn't help myself, once I opened that from the insurance, i couldn't hold it in anymore, i just cried!

I cried in frustration of the whole dang process! My sweet dear husband was wonderful. I could tell he wanted to help me but had no clue how to help. All he kept telling me was that it was all going to be Okay! I believe him, but i still couldn't stop crying. He kept telling me ever so gently that I shouldn't give up, it will be okay! I smiled and said yeah i know, it will be okay! But i was and still am soooo frustrated!!!!!! And if my body would just cooperate and make a stronger effort, i might just ovulate! That at least gives a small chance....but nope, it wants to be difficult! So again after a valiant effort, my body didn't achieve ovulation! Oh well , there is always next cycle! Oh that pains of a woman trying to conceive a baby! It shouldn't be this hard...you make love with your husband, you make a baby........why are the most simplest things be so difficult?

What I am Grateful for.......

I'm Grateful to be Cancer FREE!!! There is always a thought in the back of my mind, there is always a risk, while I still have a uterus and I don't always ovulate, that it can come back. My hubby and I had a brief discussion last week when i came back from my last visit with OUR acupuncturist (yes my hubby is putting aside his skepticism and starting seeing one to help with him get more energy) and this came up. I mentioned how I do worry it will come back before we are blessed with a pregnancy and that I won't get to experience the wonderful experience of carrying our child and giving birth to our child. He told me I shouldn't think about that or think like that. But how could I not I told him and always say to myself. I am clear and KNOW that it isn't going to come back, but to ignore the RISK or POSSIBILITY would make me irresponsible. I can not just forget because I have to pay close attention. I have to acknowledge my fear of Cancer coming back because if I don't, it will eat me up inside. I am very Grateful and Blessed that 2 years from being diagnosed, I still remain CANCER FREE! Of course Cancer will not come back... EVER.... because I am that much more informed and I'm prepared not to let it come back.

I am also Grateful for all the wonderful women I have met and continue to meet who are as "lucky" (and i say this VERY sarcastically) to go through this journey. These wonderful women fully understand the emotions of TTC with little or little success. BUT THEY DON'T GIVE UP! They help me when I'm down, remind me that there is an end to the long endless long tunnel, there a light at the end of it. I'm Grateful to the wonderful supportive family I have, but unless you have been down the road of struggling in TTC, it is hard to fully understand the level of frustration and even anger that comes with having trouble conceiving. It is hard not to feel alienated in some way from the rest of the "normal" fertile world, but thanks to the women who are on the same TTC journey as myself, I don't feel so alone! I'm so Grateful for that.

I'm very Grateful for having a husband who is compassionate and is my constant positive thinker. If he ever feels any doubts, frustrations, or even anger, He doesn't not show it at all. All i ever get from him is positivity. To him there is no room for failure in this, we will achieve pregnancy and birth of a beautiful healthy baby. On days when I am feeling so down about it all, I can just look at him and remind myself that HE feels it will happen, that I shake any negative feelings and focus on being positive. This journey would be a hell of a lot worse if he wasn't so wonderfully positive. I'll admit SOMETIMES, very RARELY, it is a bit annoying. But I'm GRATEFUL he remains positive.

I'm Grateful to God. God has me on this journey to learn very valuable lessons. God does not punish good people, and I know in my heart that God will grant me my biggest desire and wish to be a mother, to achieve a pregnancy and birth of a child. I know for a fact that I'm to be a mother to other children, who although may not come from me, are on this earth waiting for me to bring them home to me. I'm Grateful that I still have a strong faith in God and that I don't loose hope.

For all these things and so much more, I am thankful, I am Grateful....

It's Gonna BE ME!!!

Finally...i get to log back in and write down my random thoughts!! Computer at work just stopped working for awhile and i could never find the time at home....i don't know why. I usually feel like i do nothing at home, yet i'm busy...hmmmmmmm anywho, computer is fixed at work and so now i can take some time out when i need it to just write!

Not much going on since the last time i posted, sister is doing well and recoverying from the loss of her first baby. I'm sure she has some hard days, but she seems to be doing well. I hope so, i can not imagine how hard it would be to be 22 weeks pregnant and loose your baby. So sad, but God know why he does things, and fortunately, my sister felt the same way. She felt she did the right thing and it helps her to be at peace with it all. We are talking a little more, so that is nice. I know that we won't be as close as we once were, but at least we are building a new relationship. She is back in my life and I in hers, and i feel a little more comfortable with that as time goes on. Thank you to everyone who kept me and family in your thoughts and prayers during this tragic and difficult time! They certainly helped.

I had a very happy, yet strange dream recently. I dreamt that me and my hubby were somewhere, seemed like we were traveling, with my parents. For some reason i POAS (fertility talk for Pee On A Stick=home pregnancy test) and it came back positive. I had actually done 2 tests, one gave me 2 lines (which could have been an OPK kit) but iknew it wasn't because the other test was one of those clear blue tests....it was a + sign in blue dye! I sort of remember feeling happy and in shock, but then i switched dreams.... but i had never had such a dream before...so it helps me stay positive. I once heard someone say "A funny thing about dreams is that they do come true" So i hold on to that.

I'm not sure when we will start IVF process. I'm hopefull we can start it next month, but realistically don't think we should or could afford to start. With the holidays getting closer i find myself feel ing a little blue and i can't help but to think of where I was a year ago. A year ago we started with more advanced treatments and had high hopes of not going through another holiday season with no baby or an empty belly. I still have hopes that we will soon be pregnant and have the child we so pray for, some days it just is a little hard. Acupuncture is helping, and the awful chinese herbs hopefully are too. I wish my body would just cooperate a little. I continue to take my temperature to see if maybe, just maybe my body will do what it should be doing. Maybe this will be our lucky cycle.... I always pray that this cycle is the cycle, and i know one day, my prayers will be answered. It seems like a lot of people are pregnant and i just hope to be one of them...and i will be!! It's Gonna be me the next one to announce a BFP!!

So for now I will hold on to my dream, not too tightly so that it will come true, but just enough help me let the sunshine in on one of my gloomy days!

It is so unfair....

Yay I am having a niece!! i was growing very excited at the thought of shopping for a niece! But God has other plans for all of us. Turns out my niece's little brain isn't developing correctly...my poor niece's brain is mostly liquid. Dr.s told my sister that my niece would make it to term, but when born would be so severly mentally challenged that if she made it, she would probably not make it passed 6 months. My poor niece is set to die before she even gets a chance to live. That is so horribly sad. It is so painful to me, that I can not imagine the pain it causes my sister. No mother-to-be should ever be told their baby is expected to die before the baby has begun to live. My sister has 2 options, both very hard and painfull choices, there is not better choice. She can terminate her pregnancy now or wait to deliver and wait for her baby girl to die. Her dr. is urging her to terminate, as they can say how the baby would even look when she is born or what other birth defects she will have. As advanced as today's medicine and technology is, no one knows the outcome. Either way, either choice, it isn't going to be easy. My sister has painfully decided that she will terminate her pregnancy. She is only about 19 weeks.

No mother should have to make such decision, and having to do so must be so increadibly painful and heart wrenching. She had to make her own decision and no matter what we think, will be by her side. We together as a united family will help her through this. There has been a rift between us (my parents & I) and my sister that we hope this will be brings us closer. That this good thing will come out of this tragedy. I love my sister and never had stopped, but i was mad at her for doing all that she did. She didn't handle things correctly and it made me mad at her. I was not all that happy she was pregnant because of the situation she found herself in, but I was always excited at the thought of a new baby in our family, and excited at the thought of a niece or nephew. Even with my miscarriage, i felt that it wasn't fair, but never felt anything negative towards my niece. i always felt that the baby was a gift from god and hoped that with my sister's pregnancy, we would work together on closing the gap in our relationship.

Since my sister told me what was happening with my niece, i did stop and reflect on how i have felt during my sister's pregnancy. There was shock, some sadness, but honestly, I was excited. There were days that wre hard for me just because my husband and i have been trying for so long, have paid so much money to conceive, and so far our arms and our house remain empty. I was starting to look forward to watching my niece and even for a short while and on weekend visits. I could almost hear the baby's cooing in my house, even if it was for short while. There was never a moment that I didn't love my future niece. As i think back to the last couple of months, i am certain of that.

Now I pray to God for strength to help my sister get passed this. It isn't going to be easy for anyone, but only together as a family will we get through it.

To my Niece:
I loved you the moment your mom told me she was expecting you. I knew you would be such a precious baby girl, and could picture you in my arms, as you were a gift from God to all of us. Even though i will never meet you or hold you in my loving arms, you will always be in my heart. You will be forever my precious angel.

Bittersweet Feelings......

I am going to have a Niece!!! Well 75% chance i'm having a niece...Yup my sister is having a girl! Well the baby wouldn't open her legs so the ultra-sound tech couldn't see too well, but saw no obvious sign that it could be boy, but couldn't for sure say it was girl 100%. As my sister's "big day" approached i wasn't sure how i felt about. She was so excited and would email me letting me know how excited she was. Honestly, I wanted to be as excited with her, but some days i admit, i found it hard to be excited. I couldn't help but feel a bit bummed b/c we remain childless. I know that it is all a process and over time, it does get easier, and over all I am excited about the baby, but I can't help but wish i was pregnant or have a baby of my own in my arms.

Some days i catch myself daydreaming about "What if..." What if our firs IUI/Injectable cycle would have worked. Couldn't help but to think about if that pregnancy would have survived I would have a newborn in my arms and I would be enjoying motherhood. Luckly for me, those painfull moments come and go fairly quickly and remain optimistic about the upcoming IVF cycle. Some days i'm anxiously awaiting it, and other days i'm scared! But through it all I don't loose faith. Just like I know I will become more excited about the birth of my niece. My sister was pretty bummed out about having a girl, she really wanted a boy. She did irritate me a bit with her less than enthusiastic attitude towards her baby girl. But i have to remind myself that she hasn't struggled TTC like I have. Anyone who has TTC for any long period of time would be most happy with a healthy baby, boy or girl. Here she was lamenting it was a girl. I did tell her to quit being so upset and be happy that the baby is healthy!

A day later, I do feel more excitement at the thought it is going to be a girl! I do laugh at how the world works, here I have been trying to get pregnant, and have been hoping for a girl, only to have my sister pregnant with a girl. The journey we must walk definitely can be funny and ironic! I spoke to my sister today. She had gotten a call from her Dr.s office and it made her nervous and had no one to call and needed to talk to someone. Her Dr. wants her to go back tomorrow for a repeat Ultra-sound, and that made her worry some. Her boyfriend was home asleep (he works late into the nite) and she needed to talk to someon....to calm her nerves, so she called me.

Since me and my sister haven't been close in a long while, it was weird feeling to have her call me. It was how I imagined it would be, growing up, as close as we were, i imagined that is how it would be. Calling one another during pregnancy when no one else was available to talk to about the anxiety or excitement of the pregnancy. Just knowing that the other would be available no matter what time of the day it was. It was nice to talk to her today, as i soothed her nerves as a i reassured her it was no big deal and to look at the upside of it, she may get a bitter picture and can really determine what the baby will be. I also told her again, that she needed to be happy and excited about her baby girl, and be thankful she is healthy. She admitted to being scared she would be able to handle a girl because she herself was a tough one to handle...and she is very aware of the term "what goes around comes around". She knows she has made my parents life hell and now it could be her turn if she has a girl. But she is happy, and is praying for a healthy baby!

I now find myself getting excited about my Niece! I hope to be a big part of her life, as that is my plan. Now i have to talk to my mom about the posibility of throwing my sister a baby shower. I do feel bad at the thought of not throwing her one, and that is going to be tricky. I know my mom doesn't want to mingle with her boyfriend's family and i don't really care, but looking at it from a financial point of view, I don't think i could afford to mingle both families. My sister is going to have to understand that we are not inviting his family, except maybe his mom and his sister, b/c we have a big family, and just she and her boyfriend and his kids is alot.... but if she really wants to throw a fit, I will just scratch the idea and just get her a nice gift or a couple of gifts, basically i will spend the money i would have on her party on a baby gift(s). We'll see.....

Well can't believe September is knocking....where has the summer gone?? Time sure is flying super fast these days...... just fast.... i guess i will talk to my mom about that babyshower now.... I am having a niece!!!!!!!!! I can just feel the bubble of excitement! and that makes me happy to know that I can enjoy this baby and maybe this baby will be what brings my sister and I just a little closer.........just maybe! Everything happens for a good reason, why else would God do things the way God chooses?......

Small Sacrafice......

I have to give up dairy!!!! I'm so bummed b/c i love all things dairy!!! I had my second acupuncture appointment Saturday and it was great. SHe is also an herbalist and give me some chinese herbs in a powder form that i'm to mix in a 1/4 cup of warm water and have to take it down in 1-2 big gulps and the taste is not very good. I feel lucky that it is only a small amount i have to drink and i'm hoping that i will get used to the taste quickly. It is supposed to help with my PCOS symptoms and just kind of help move the energy in my body. Apparently, dairy can cause phlem and will clog up the energy and keep it from moving though out my body...who knew?!!? It is a small sacrafice, but i will follow directions. It is going to be hard to give it up, but i must do what i need to do.

She also is having me take some other vitamins. I'm not taking anything right now and so i figure i could use some vitamin supplements. I have been wanting to take some for a while now, but get too overwhelmed at the choices out there. My hubby is taking a multi-vitamin, i have to ask him if he has noticed a big change. Other than that, no much else going on. I'm just trying to remain patient and very positive about IVF. I am hoping acupuncture will help. So far so good. During my last session, it just felt so wonderfull! It is an experience hard to explain, but i had no feeling in my body, in a good way. I was laying there and it was almost like i was suspended in air and it just felt so relaxing. I am hoping next session we can work on my back, it has been killing me!

My sister finds out next week, i believe, what she is having. I hope it is a girl, but overall hope baby is healthy. I find myself getting excited, but also find myself worried about my sister's parenting skills. Some of her actions with her step-kids makes me raise any eyebrow, but i can not judge, it isn't my place. I am sure she will make smart choices for her child. Sometimes i do feel bad that I'm not more excited, but it really isn't because she is pregnant instead of myself, but more because of the unresolved issues we have that caused our distance in the first place. I still haven't asked my mom if she wants to throw her a baby shower, I would like to, but not sure if my mom wants to host it or not. We'll see, if we do, it will be in November, and that will be here before we know it.

Well, hopefully i will notice some change with the herbs and vitamins, i just lack so much energy somedays...its annoying me. I sure hope my sinuses clear up, they have been hurting off and on for last week or so.... okay enough rambling for tonite, gotta go put my head down and rest my painfull eyes! Till next time!

Daring to Dream.....

Well without dreams or daring to dream what else is there? SO i started taking Provera to induce a period 15 days ago. I continued taking my temperature daily just because it helps me stay somewhat sane, and according to FF, had Ovulated about 2 days before i started taking provera. Well i had a really nice temperature pattern. It wasn't as erractic as it sometimes can be even on provera. So i held out hope that a miracle would happen and we would get pregnant. When my period didn't show up on Sunday, exactly 3 days after i took the last provera pill, i got very hopefull! I always get a period 3 days after last pill. SO i was very hopeful and kept my fingers crossed. I was very cautious, as you learn to be when trying for so long. But when i broke down and tested at home yesterday and got a blaring negative, i knew that a period was on its way....but i still held on and began dreaming of how i would tell my loving hubby we were pregnant.

Well, sometimes with dreaming, you are awakened. There was no sign of a period this morning...no spotting or anything...but some cramping. By the time i got to work and went to the bathroom there was spotting. So now i am on day one of new cycle. I was disappointed at first, but i got over it really. The thing about being cautiously excited, the disappointment isn't THAT bad. I'm just really happy i didn't say anything to my husband. I can deal with my own hurt and disappointment, but seeing and/or hearing my husband's disappointment is too much for me to deal with. Besides, he needed to be focused. He is in Las Vegas attending an intense agent training for the next 3 days and he needs to be focused on that. He doesn't need to be caught up in the "almost happened" frame of mind.

Well, this is my journey and I will walk it looking forward, because I know that as Great as God is, God will bless us in no time with a much wanted child! All in God's time!!

Checking back....

I'm a terrible blogger!!! haahaaahaa.... I can't count how many times i attempted to sit down and give an update, or just bare my soul on the days i felt it heavy with whatever emotion.... but I was wiped by the end of June, and the July flew by so quickly, before i knew i was turning the calendar page into a new month. It is amazing how quickly time flies, even when you await something exciting you think it will drag and take forever to get here...but in realty, it really doesn't, not anymore. Maybe it just seems that way to me!

SO the end of JUne had a disappointing finale, a low postive pregnancy and resulted in another miscarriage. I enjoyed it as much as i could. I had the very sore boobs and a ridiculous craving for pepperccinis....and I do mean ridiculous! I have only eaten them once before in my life, and for about a week and half I was eating them out of the jar and eating them with my sandwiches! I was left with 2 full jars of those things and an empty utuerus. It was a sad time. But I allowed myself to feel the emotions and embrace my loss. I cried when i felt like it, i got angry when i felt it, and let myself feel the frustration of it all, and I allowed myself to feel sad that I wasn't pregnant and my sister was. It just seemed unfair, and sometimes even now it feels unfair. My sister told us when she found out she was at about 8-9 weeks. She was always had irregular periods like myself and didn't know she was pregnant until she couldn't shake off what she though was a stomach flu....just like in the movies...looking back at that now, it is funny i guess. So she is now about 14 weeks i think. It seemed God has a sense of humor! But I know God has a reason for why he does things. There has got to be a good reason for why my sister and her boyfriend will be welcoming their first child, and his 8th child. Yes I meant to type 8th child. He and my sister are raising his 7 children from his first marriage (yes all by the same mother) and have struggled to make ends meet. But it seems now that my sister i gaining ground beneath her. SHe finished her Master's program in May, found out she was pregnant in June and found a good job in her field in July. IT is really true that when it's time, God will help you find your way and all will fall into place.

I know that me and my husband anxiously await a child and want it so badly....but our patience is being tested adn we have come to accept that it will happen in time. After speaking to our RE (reproductive endocronologist) will be hoping to do our first IVF cycle in October. I'm excited and praying for a positve result! I have started accupuncture and hope that will help stay relaxed and stress free. I am hoping that my body can finally accept a pregnancy and carry it to full term to deliver a healthy baby! That is what i want most in life. In the mean time i'm just going to relax and enjoy life and know that it will happen when it is supposed to happen.

As time goes on, I get a little more excited about the birth of my neice or nephew in January 2008, and hope that with the pregnancy and birth of my sister's first child, my sister and I can bridge the gap she helped build. We were once close and after some unfortunate circumstances that my sister help create, we have become distanced from one another. I knew that one day we would be in touch again, and i'm looking at this baby to be what helps us come back to each other again. Things will never the same, not better or worse than before, but it will be different and we will move forward closer than what we are now. I was afraid to see my sister pregnant, but after seeing her and seeing her 'baby bump' it wasn't that bad. Of course when i saw her first U/S i wish it was my baby's first u/s picture i was showing my parents, but it wasn't meant to be that way. Although my parents aren't super excited, i think it will build up within them as it is in me. I was at Target over the weekend and passed byt he infant section and though how cute the clothes were and how I wished my sister has a girl...they are funner to shop for =-). I didn't care for the comment that my husband followed up with...that my "brother-in-law" was starting to become accepted by me..or something like that. I don't care either way for my sister's boyfriend or her relationship. It was because of that relationship that caused our fallout, or i should say how she handled her relationship with us...i know i make no sense and one day on a rainy day i'll share the entire story, but for now, the key point is that I have no feelings for him or their relationship...if my sister is happy with him that is great, but it has nothing to do with me or my sister's relationship. I was mad at her and not him. And this baby that is to be born is a complete innocent. This baby is not to blame for the mess her/his mom made of her relationship with her family and closest friends. But my husband really made me angry...i could feel my blood boil just beneath the surface. I didn't like his comments...not the boyfriend piece, but what he followed with. I told him that this baby had nothing to do with my feeling for him or for my sister, this child was going to be my neice or nephew and i did not have to deal with him or my sister to have a relation with the baby...of course if my sister would allow it, and she would because she has come to realize our issue and distance was caused by her...but that i would be able to have seperate relationship with the baby and i didn't have to say anything to him when i took care of MY neice or nephew for the weekend. Then he said "WHAT" we are not taking care of her baby. I said it would be just the weekend on occasion and he was still shaking his head and saying "i don't think so" then i asked him how different was that from us taking my godsons (who are his nephews as well) for the weekend, and he had the nerve to say that was different. I have never in my life can remember a time when my anger shot to the surface to quickly. I was surprised that i manage to tell him ever so calmly that it wasn't anything different and that i was through talking about it because he was going to piss me off. I don't know if he was pushing my buttons and messing with me, as he likes to do on occasion, but I chose not to continue further. Luckly for him, he realized i found no humor with it and left it alone. I couldn't believe it....he is normally not that inconsiderate, and hopefully he knows that some jokes aren't funny.

okay i'm through ranting..... hope to keep up my blog sooner...as i started accupuncture have something interesting to talk about while we await our IVF cycle! Better go finish work!!! =-)

Blue Monday

I usually do not care Mondays. Sometimes a Monday is uneventful and other days like today, they just seem like crap and set it up for a not so great week. First I just am all over the place with this cycle. The "Am I or Am I NOT Pregnant" is really starting to really get me down. I'm trying so very hard to stay positive, but so afraid of the disappointment of getting another negative pregnancy test. I need to remain prepared for that possibility because if I don't, the emotional breakdown that would come with that negative will be just too overwhelming....I'm trying not to over analyzing every little thing and panic when certain symptoms start to minimize themselves. Or over react when other symptoms persist. Some days, this game is just tooo damn hard.

Then I am trying to be supportive friend to my friend/boss who is now facing breast cancer treatment. She was recently diagnosed and I have been trying to help her and support her in any way I can. Due to this, I didn't plan a trip to Colorado with my mom, and planned on not taking unneccessary time off, so that she won't have to fret about work while she isn't feeling well, her having peace of mind that the office is running effectively if she isn't up to coming into the office. It is just myself and she in the office. Then my loving DH comes back very excited from his recent training to tell me that he signed us BOTH for an upcoming training in 2 WEEKS!!! I had to tell my boss i would need to take that week off and I just felt horrible. I'm stuck in the middle. I know that the Boss in she wanted to say that I couldn't take that week, but the friend in her granted me my week off. But i feel so bad not being here for her, and I would feel just as bad not attending w/ my hubby when he really really wants me to go down with him. I tried to tell him that i just find it too hard to go, and although he would understand, i just felt so horrible telling him probaby no. I asked him to hold off registration and asked if we could speak about it more later tonite...hung up with him and just put my face in my hands and cried!!!

Normally i wouldn't be this much of a cry baby.... but i've been too emotional all weekend. I was crying while watching the movie Wedding date w/ Debra Messing. Cute movie, but not one to make you cry like a baby over. Yet another sign I cling too!! And you know its going to be that kind of week when our Branch Manager's office is calling to inform us our BM will be in our office tomorrow morning for a surprise inspection! Could this day just get any better....?? It has too!!! I normally stress at the word AUDIT, so I'm stressing. I'm sure we will do fine, i'm not perfect but confident enough that we will do okay and walk away from audit relatively in decent order....at least that is the hope i'm going to cling onto....

Tuesday, depite the audit, will be a much better day!!

One day less....

Woo hooo!!! I won't have to wait until June 30th to test...at 14dpIUI(Days Past IUI)I get to test a day early!! I had forgotten that DH and I were going to be attending a conference in Modesto Sat.June 30th. So instead of looking for a lab out there, i thought I would ask to see if I could test a day early. So I call my nurse at my RE's office, and found out she no longer works there. I thought it was weird that i hadn't gotten a call from her with instructions last week and that she wasn't there my last visit. Anyways, the new nurse checked if I could take a pregnancy test a day before. That way I don't have worry about some other lab being able to get results to my RE same day. I'm excited!!! I am trying not to test early..i'm very tempted so that I can prepare myself for the final result. Being around my husband's associates won't allow me to wallow in pity IN CASE it's a BFN. But it won't be!!!!

So far no major symmptoms, but it's early still. My tatas have been sore for a week now, and last nite, for the first time EVER, I woke up in some serious pain! I was sleeping on my tummy in the middle of the bed (the only one benefit to DH being gone on business) and woke up in some serious pain....my tatas were hurting like hell!! I had to turn on my back and could lay on my tummy an more during the nite! That has never happened before. I guess my body has been producing its own progesterone and with the progesterone supplements on top of that, my progesterone levels must me through the roof...which i think would be a really good thing.

Well in other news, found out my sister is pregnant. Not just pregnant, but 10 weeks pregnant..almost 3 months along. She said she just found out Monday, but she and her boyfriend had suspicions. While i'm happy for the blessing that will be my niece or nephew, how can she get pregnant before me. They don't need to have any more kids. HOnestly, he has custody of his kids and together are raising his kids and can barely make ends meet. I honestly don't know if he is working, she just finished with her grad school and as far as I know didn't have a job. I was in complete shock, she has also had irregular periods like myself. We all assumed that she would have same problems conceiving when ever she would try. NOt sure if she was trying not. But in my opinion, if you are not using any type of birth control, then you are trying or at least hoping to get pregnant...just my own opinion. So now I just believe and know that God has planned to bless me with a child of my own. There are reasons for everything in life...we may know why right away or we may have to be patient for the truth to be revealed.

Well, I am praying for a BFP this month. I don't care that I will share my pregnancy with my sister...we were once very close. All my other close friends and family have started their families some time ago, so at least my baby won't be too lonely and will have a cousin close to his/her age. My sister is due early January, I would be due early March....talk about close. Well I will sit back and just wait for my BFP that I will get next Friday!!!!

Waiting Game

Life is all about waiting. We wait to grow up, wait to finish school, we wait to meet that perfect someone, we wait to start a family, wait to get pregnant, then wait for baby to be born, then wait for them to grow up. I am now waiting to find out if our latest treatment worked and we are pregnant. We had our IUI (Intra Uterin Insmeination) Saturday and it went well. Looks promising...but now I have to wait to see if it workd and we get pregnant. I will go in for bloodwork Saturday June 30th. I am so very hopefull that it works this time. We have been waiting for so long, trying for so long. We just are hoping for one healthy baby. I really don't want to move on to IVF(In-Vitro Fertilization) because it is so costly and there are no guarantees. We will have to wait and see.

So far I don't feel much. I do feel slightly bloated, but not as much as the last time we did an IUI cycle. The last time we tried was in February and by 4 days after IUI, I was so bloated I looked like i was 5 months pregnant. I feel some stretching in my uterus and some slight bloatiness, but not much else. Almost like the first time we tried IUI. I really didn't feel too bloated past the day of the IUI, not until a few days before our pregnancy test did i start to feel different. So now I will wait for next week and hope i have some indication that I am pregnant. One long wait!!!

So I sit tight and wait...hoping the next wait is to await the birth of our baby!! Praying for that wait!!

Saying Goodbye to a Friend....

Four years ago, at this time, I was sitting in my living room in shock. For I had gotten unexpected news just a few hours earlier. A dear childhood friend had died. He was my age, 26 at that time, and had 2 kids. He was now dead. Died in a horrible car accident caused by a drunk driver. I had not seen much of my friend in the years after high school, but I just knew that our paths would cross at some point, and it would be like we always hung out together & never lost touch. Four years later, it is still hard for me to really believe he is dead. We grew up together just around the corner from each other. There were a bunch of us that grew up together and played together as kids. Summer time was the best...we would all just play games, go swimming, and just be kids together. My friend was always very sweet to me. He was my first crush and the first boy I came to love. He was special. He was always happy, and always smiling. I can't remember that many occasions when he wasn't happy or smiling. When he wasn't, you knew it was serious.

His death hit me hard because dear friends my age are not supposed to die in their 20's. It also hit hard because it was unexpected and I just knew that we would always be in touch. Every time I drove around town, I just knew in the back of my mind, I would run into him again. Now, 4 years later, that will never happen. I have a lot of wonderful memories of us growing up. I could always count on him to make me feel better if i was having a bad day. I know that there was a lot of love between us, even though we never took our friendship to the next level(as much as I or he may have wanted to), I know that out of respect for that friendship, neither of us took that step, no matter how much we flirted with the idea. I will be the first to admit, he was a player... =-P He loved the ladies and the ladies loved him back. But I was one of the very lucky girls in his life to call myself his friend, and he my friend.

During my awkward teenage years, when i was a little on the chubby side and not quite comfortable in my skin, he always made me feel so pretty. I know that thanks to him, I had self-esteem as a teenager. It is always sad to see a ray of sunshine gone from one's life. His pride and his joy were his kids, and it makes me sooo sad to know that his kids didn't have much time with their dad, to know him and enjoy him as so many of us were blessed to have had that with their dad. 4 years later, I can still think of him and smile, for he was a funny guy, but also very sensitive and very sweet. All his family and friends miss him and will always remember him as he was. I am very thankful that I have sooo many wonderful memories of him. I am also one of the few lucky ones who he visits in my dreams. In almost every dream we are kids and having a good time as we all did during our fun filled youth. Gives me comfort to know that where ever he is, he is looking down on all of us who loved him, and he is happy.

I try not to be too sad and remember just the good times we all had. 4 years later, he is really missed by all of us, but he is alive in our hearts and will be for always.

Love you my dear friend, continue to rest in peace....

Let the countdown begin

If all goes according to my planning, IUI should occur by this upcoming weekend. I had my first ultra-sound check yesterday morning and YAY!! I did inject myself correctly and my ovaries are producing.. I had about 10-15 follicles in each ovary. I think i had at least 4 follies measuring 8 or 9 and the smallest measuring 5. I will go back in tomorrow morning for another ultra-sound check and we'll see what my Dr.s suggestion is. They left me on the same dose of 125iu of follistim. Thank goodness my hubby is home so he can resume his duty and take over injections. They were not fun!! And last nite, i don't know why or what i did, I must have really injected myself in my muscle, because after giving myself the injection for about a good half hour after it hurt to move and flex my arms. I know that some women don't do injections in their arms, i think maybe the thigh area is a little more common. But since the begining my Dr. has had me do injections in my arms. Apparently it isn't very common because when we did our first cycle, when i asked the nurse where i should do the last "Trigger" shot, they were surprised to find out i was having the injections done in the my arms.

Anywho... So no more self injections and hopefully IUI will be done Saturday or Sunday!! Wooo Hooo!! I'll know more after tomorrow's ultra-sound check. That is all for now..i'm exhausted and i'm leaving for home now. My hubby didn't get in until almost 4 am and I had trouble sleeping until he got home. I have suffered from sleep deprivation since Friday night, but iwas really bad last night. I was up until 1 am folding laundry and finishing up some house work... I can't even believe...ME up at 1 am doing house work... i just wasn't sleepy or tired...finally i just took a nice warm shower (it was pretty warm last nite) and that finally helped me fall to sleep.... only to wake up at 2 and then at 3 am and i didn't fall back to sleep until after hubby came home. As soon as we curled up together..i was out and fast asleep. So deeply i didn't even hear my alarm go off. Took my temp anyway just to stay in habit, an hour later, but it had to be taken at 7 since i have tohave 3 hours of consecutive sleep... So i'm off to deal with hopefully minimal traffic and I will definitely will be asleep early tonite!!!!Adios for now!!

Home Alone

I hate being home alone!!! My hubby is gone to Los Angeles for a business workshop for 3 nites and 4 days... =-( and he left me all alone!! I am bummed about that. I have never really liked to be alone. I'm doing good so far... I didn't go running to my mom and dad like I really wanted too!! I knew my mom would love to have me spend the weekend with them...but as much as I do love them, I need to stay home and behave like a "Big" girl =-P It is not all that bad...being home alone...but I have to inject myself...aaahhhhgggg I hate needles about as much as I hate being home alone!! I'm just screwed these next few days. Hubby left last nite and as much as I wasn't looking forward to poking myself, it wasn't THAT bad. I did curse my husband for not being there....but after much praying, I managed to do it and it wasn't that bad. I still wouldn't prefer to inject myself. But at least it's for a good cause....

I have an ultra-sound appoint Sunday to check how my ovaries are responding. I'm excited and can't wait to go and see. My Dr. has me injecting myself with 125 units (iu) which is the same amount i was on my last IUI cycle. I know not every cycle is the same, that is why i'm really anxious about my sunday appointment. If this cycle is similar to the last cycle, we should be doing IUI by next weekend...Father's Day weekend. How appropriate i think. It would be great to get pregnant on Father's day. I can't wait. I'm trying very hard to be excited for the best outcome, but also wanting to remain wary of the possibility of not getting the results we want. I just don't want to be an emotional mess afterwards...Man this is too hard.

I remain positive in feeling that we all have our journey's for a reason. God does have a plan for us, and I know, for I am certain of it, that kids are in God's plans for us. No doubt about. I know that I didn't go through Cancer treatment, and even with the last scare of it possibility coming back, to be sitting here now, Cancer FREE and with my uterus in tact only not to get pregnant and enjoy all the wonder of being pregnant and bringing a healthy child to this world. I hope i do get that chance sooner rather than later, we've wanted this for too long I'm starting to get impatient!!! =-P But I know that it's in God's hands and it will happen soon. For now I will continue to Suck it Up and inject myself until hubby gets home Sunday nite and keep asking that my follies grow, grow, grow... and will keep praying that I realease at least 1 good one that will become our future child!! Grow follies Grow!!

Third time is the charm.......

I'm a little anxious, excited, nervous.... I'm now on Cycle Day(CD)3 and will start my Follistim injections tonight. This will be our 3rd and most likely final attempt trying to conceive using the IUI method. If it's unsuccessful, we will most likely move onto IVF in the Fall.... I sure wish this IUI attempt works! I am very hopeful but I am also trying to prepare myself for the worst. It will be very hard to go through this again and get a negative pregnancy test again. It is all a gamble I know, but when you have been 'playing' as long as I have, it gets harder and harder to not win...just once.

I have told close family and friends that I have started a new treatment cycle. We had done our last cycle in complete secrecy...no one knew anything and that was not too hard, but it would have been helpful to me emotionally if I had shared it with someone. I took the news really hard when my Dr. called and told me the pregnancy test was negative. I really like my Dr. I can tell she really didn't want to call me with the negative results. I usually hear from her between 12 & 2 pm, that day she didnt call until almost 5pm. It would have been nice to have the option of calling on someone. Don't get me wrong, my husband was wonderful and was there for me...but he was able to bounce back and begin to look forward again. I on the other hand, needed to dwell on "what almost was" a little longer. So I figure if a few more people know about it, I will have that much more prayers said on our behalf and we will be blessed sooner rather than later.....

My first u/s check will be on Sunday. I was surprised that the Dr. wanted me to start taking 125 units, i thought she would have started me off with lower dose, but i trust she knows what she is doing. I hate needles...good think my hubby enjoys poking me. Makes it so much easier. Let's see how many little follies I end up with this time. Last time my ovaries were super producers and produced 8 follies....all i need is one good one..... but we'll see.

It will be a very interesting journey as I try not to over analyze every little funny feeling.... but it will be fine I'm sure. All I'm asking for is for 1 healthy baby... we can always adopt at a later date, but for now, I'm sure praying for a positive pregnancy test, healthy pregnancy, and one healthy baby... or 2.....=-)I am hoping 3rd time is the charm for us.......we will have to wait and see!

Can't help but to ask Why....

I was talking to a really good friend of mine today, and I found out that she found out she has a lump in her breast. She has to get a biopsy and she isn't doing too well about that discovery. She is such a strong, healthy woman whom I admire. Now she finds herself unsure of what is next to come. Of course we are both optimistic that it will be nothing, but the not knowing is what drives you crazy. I sure hope I can help her through this long wait until she gets finals results. I truly know and understand where she is right now. I have been there myself. Full of optimism, but still feeling anxious about getting those results. She tried very hard to be there for me when I went through the same wait and then when diagnosed with cancer, she was very supportive and I just knew she was there for me. I hope to be able to be there for her. She now knows what i was going through and I know what she is going through. I sure hope I can be there for her and help her through this.

Many times, just being there for a friend is more than enough, but you as the friend feel like you should be doing more but just don't know how or what to do for your friend. We will remain positive and will get good and welcoming results. Despite having been diagnosed w/ Cancer, I and everyone in my support system remained positive and at the end of treatment, we got positive welcoming results. I still can't help but to wonder why it has to happen. Why is it that good people get tested in this way. It always seems that people who do not take care of themselves very well live long lives with very little health problems.

I also ask why, why do we have to go through something like this. I feel like I'm a stronger person having been through what I have been through. Now I can be there for my friend. I will be there for her from beginning to end and through it all will be there to help her see it to the end, and be victorious!! It will be hard because it is a hard journey to go through for anyone and everyone involved. Because we are all different, I'm sure that my friend will experience some things I didn't, but in the end I will stand by my friend. Many women, including my mom, have found bumps of all sizes in their breasts and either it turns out to be nothing (as it was in my mom's case) or it is successfully treated and they go on to live a long happy life.

I just wish it didn't have to happen to my friend or anyone for that matter. It's just hard not to question why when it happens to a person who deals with so much and handles too much and is there for everyone when no one seems to ever be there for her. Maybe this is just a little reminder to her that she needs to start taking care of herself more and take care of other's a little less. For a brief moment I do feel helpless I admit, while I have been down this road myself, when it happens to someone your care, admire and love, you wish it wasn't happening to them. But in the end, while our hope and faith are tested, we are all certainly still have faith and hope that it will be all right.

This is just another reminder to me that I better get my act together and finally do what i have to do professionally....procrastination is an ugly thing....but more on that some other time....For now, I will be supportive in any way that I can to my friend....

BFN=Relief...???

So I took a HPT (home pregnancy test)Sunday morning...I really didn't want to do it, but found it necessary as I started to bleed. This freaked me out because I am taking birth control pills and I should not have any mid-cycle bleeding. So I needed to be sure I didn't need to rush to the ER because i was pregnant and quite possibly loosing a baby I didn't even know I had. When I saw the bright red spots, a lot of emotions ran through me. First was definitely shock.... I couldn't believe that I could be pregnant and that I would be loosing it before I ever had a chance to embrace it. Then there was fear of what it all could mean. Then there was confusion at how it could be happening....how could i have managed to get pregnant, not know it and in someways deny it, and then be on the verge of loosing my pregnancy.

So I sent my hubby to the market accross the street from our house to buy a HPT... of cousre he asked the usual male questions... What brand? How do I know it's the right one? how much would it cost? what if i get the wrong one? After reassuring him that it all didn't matter and to get whichever one he could buy with the only $10 we had in cash...it would be okay and it would work. He made it back quickly and I go POTS(pee on the stick) and in less that 5 minutes later it is very clear.... NEGATIVE! A BFN(big fat negative)!!!

So i did feel relief. Relief that I wasn't pregnant and loosing my baby. That would have been awfull! But i was also disappointed. I was disappointed because the optimist that still manages to reside in me, believed that it could have been a sign from God to let me know I was pregnant and everything would have been all right. Women bleed/spot through out their otherwise normal pregnancies. For a brief moment in the bathroom I had felt some optimism that it would be positive and it would be all okay. That only took a few minutes to let go and be relieved that I was not pregnant and there was no unknown lost baby. It was hard to tell my hubby though. He had a look on his face, even if it was brief, that told he had also hoped it would have been positive...so much so that he even asked to see the HPT for himself... he has NEVER done that before. It made me a little more sad and i wanted to cry for him, for me, for us.... But I shook it off because i still have hope. We will be starting a new cycle by the end of next week and I have lot's of hope for this upcoming cycle. I have a feeling that it will work!! and I will hold on to that feeling!!

Read me next time!!

My head's cruel joke

The mind IS a powerful tool. It could be used for good and/or for evil. What is worse is when your mind has convinced your body of something that just can't be. For every woman out there who has struggled with getting pregnant can definitely relate to my experience of my mind convincing the rest of my body to believe it to be pregnant. The worst is the bouts of dizziness and nausea, because you are so convinced you have to be pregnant. Only to POAS (=Pee On A Stick....some fertility lingo for you) and stare at a Big Fat Negative (BFN) and be disappointed yet again that you are not pregnant. And if you are like me, who doesn't get a period every month, just knew it would be positive, even if it has been about 2 years of the same thing. It doesn't get any less disappointing or heartbreaking. Even when you know realistically you just can't be pregnant, your mind somehow manages to allow just enough doubt into you, that your body starts to immediately react. If you don't slightly obsess, and if you don't then you haven't been trying long enough, you may not know what I'm talking about. But that is okay, i know that not everyone can be obsessive like me... I do tend to have a slightly addictive personality and obsessing over things comes with that....

So yesterday, it was a quirky day. Since I've become older, I have started to develop allergies and during this time of year can be a little sensitive to scents i would find yummy any other time of the year. My sense of smell has been really sensitive these last couple of days that 2 different people have used the "P" word....I find it hard to believe that I'm to be "P"regnant. For one I had a blood pregnancy test about a month ago, took provera to induce a period, had a period, and now taking birth control pills in preparation for another Fertility treatment cycle next month. Now my head has convince the rest of my body to join in on a joke. Now I feel nauseated and swear i can smell things no one else can.... arrrrrrrrgggggggg frustrating!!

I know how to end this cruel joke, if these symptoms don't disappear, I'm going to have to buy home pregnancy tests. It is the only way to keep my mind from convincing the rest of my body to think it's pregnant. Of course i would be sooooo happy that I would actually be pregnant... but I would be scared. I've taken birth control pills, and not to mention all the drinking I've done these last few weekends!! Since I've turned 30 in March, I've done more drinking than i have all my life. Those who know me know I don't usually drink. I'll have an occasional glass of wine, or maybe a cocktail if we go out dancing to the clubs with friends, but not much. I have had a lot of fun these last few weeks hanging out with friends....

Well this concludes my rambling for now.... Now i hope this helps in getting that silly notion out of my head of possibly being pregnant...only time will tell!!

Until next time...........

My FIRST ever Blog

I finally decided to start a blog. I have been thinking about it for some time now. I use to keep a journal and as i grew older and life became just a bit more hectic it got harder and harder for me to find even a small amount of time to just sit down and write down my random thoughts. Many times I simply could not find my journal, and by the time i found it, I didn't feel like writing down anything. With a blog, at least with it being online, as long as i can remember my log in info, i can write from anywhere I have access to a computer. So now if I need to jot down some random thoughts, I know where my "Journal" can be found.

Why do I need to start a blog....writing is therapeutic for me. There has been so much going on in my life these last few years that nearly drove me insane!! Not the type of insanity that would require a padded room, but the type that I just felt like I needed to just kick and scream at the world. I also hope to be able to finally just let everyone know just how difficult life can be, but it doesn't mean life has to suck. Life is what you make of it and life IS unfair. But no matter what happens, Life is a gift and should be lived to the fullest with as little regret as possible. Through my blogs i hope to be able to reach others who have experienced what I have or are experiencing some of the same things I have and feel they have no one to talk too. I never would have imagined that at age 28 I would be told I had Cancer and would have to contemplate having a hysterectomy. I always imagined myself at age 28, to have a nice home, a loving husband, and at least 2 children. I guess 2 out of 3 isn't so bad.

Now at 30, I had hoped to have had at least one child. But so far it hasn't happened for us, but I haven't lost faith that it will. This will be my sanctuary, my cyber journal as we move forward with continued Fertility treatments, and eventually a place where I can randomly share my pregnancy stories, my children's stories, and just my life's stories.

We have been through a whole lot. I have been through a lot. While my husband is one the world's greatest husband, it is hard to share some things with him. He can never understand what it is like to know you want to be a mother all your life and be told that it might not happen because a potentially life ending disease is growing and quite possibly festering in your uterus and initial recommendation is to get it removed. It is quite devastating. Of course through it all I had this silly notion that I had to remain strong for every loved one in my life. If I cracked, they would all follow suit. I don't recommend that for anyone. Find a way of acknowledging the fear, the anger, the frustration. While positivity goes a long way, giving into all those scary feelings and emotions doesn't mean you are not being positive. Feelings are feelings and should be expressed and let out in someway. It took one session with a wonderful therapist to help me see it that way. And this little bit of information has helped me out through some difficult times recently.

So our next fertility treatment will take place in June, just a few weeks away. It will be our 3rd attempt with advanced treatment. I'm hoping it will work, because if we get no pregnancy, we'll be moving onto In-Vitro Fertilization in August (hopefully). It has been 4 years of trying to conceive. Something so natural sure isn't so natural for us. And it's all me. I'm the one who has issues. My hubby's "soldiers" are in good order. My body for some reason just can't seem to ovulate on its own. Very frustrating. All those years I enjoyed of not having regular monthly visits from AF (fertility talk that is short for Aunt Flow-which is term used to describe a menstrual period), never imagined just what it would mean when trying to have a baby.

Okay, well that is all for now. I should really get back to work...my afternoon break went on just a little longer than it should have.... not by much I swear boss lady!! =-P