Finding Emotional Balance=Some kind of Normal

So it's been a while! I've been very neglectful to my journal writing... bad bad me! But I've been trying to find an emotional balance within myself in hopes of being as close to my normal self.... whatever my normal self is! I continue with therapy although i've had a few weeks break from it as my therapist went away on vacation. So far okay. No emotional break downs and find myself relatively calm.  I have been able to see how much I do try to shelter other people feelings and avoid the "truth" of my fertility woes! Therapy has helped me not do that anymore. I am starting to be more open about.

I have a cyber friend, but also a friend IRL as we met once "SHOUT OUT TO MY GIRL POLLY".  I would post a link to her blog here but don't know how.. sorry! She is amazing. Her strength is admirable. I know it is difficult journey she is on and may not feel very strong at times, but Polly, i know you read my blog from time to time and I don't say this nearly enough, but I really do admire you and you have such an amazing strength!!! I know you will be blessed with a child very soon as I don't know anyone else who has been through as much as you and deserve it so much! We will both overcome our Fertility Challenge and have our much deserved family in 2009!!!! I look up to her as she goes through her journey and how vocal she is about it.  I up until only recently, would never admit to anyone of my personal fertility struggles.

Therapy has helped get past whatever it was that kept me from saying and admitting that I have fertility challenges.  I am thankful to be able to do so now more than before. With my YOUNGER sister 34 weeks pregnant, I have occasionally gotten the question of "when do my hubby and I plan to start our family?" and you Fertility Challenged gals recognize the tone of voice in which the person asks it in... the tone that is suggesting that we don't have any babies by CHOICE! I don't even bat an eye anymore and let them know, hey it isn't because we aren't trying.... I just can't do it without medical intervention. As a matter of fact, I've had 2 pregnancies result in early miscarriages. They immediately apologize for my lost and I appreciate, rather than resent, their "I'm sorry".  

Slowly but surely I'm dealing with it much better than before. I think it is healthier for me in some way.  Now when I succeed in getting pregnant through IVF, I will be able to say it proudly.... IF I so choose to share that truth! Which is getting closer to happening!!!! 

So I'm finding myself being more of who I want to be and less being what I expect others want me to be.  It is funny, i have family saying how much fun I am to be around... Didn't realize I wasn't fun before LOL, but i guess maybe I had been a fun dud before, as I was too worried about what others wanted me to be, or what I thought they wanted me to be. I'm enjoying letting some of that go and being a little more relaxed... of course a quick shot of Tequila would loosen anyone up!! LOL I kid I kid.... i don't always need tequila to loosen up, but it sure makes us all a little more interesting and fun!!! LOL 

I'm suddenly craving a margarita...........cheers!