In pursuit of a happy state

It has been a while since I expressed myself. Part of me needed too, and another part just didn't want to deal with everything. I found myself struggling with mild depression, but dealt with it the best way I knew how and got past it. I also found myself preparing myself to face my birthday. I had to constantly keep myself from mourning that my due date from my last miscarriage was my birth date. Once I started to walk out of the fog i was in, I started to pursue a happy state. I was determine to not think of what should have been and focused and concentrated on what is. It is easier said than done, but I managed it and enjoyed a quiet birthday. I think i only thought of my lost baby a few times, but overall enjoyed my special day and celebrated that I was now 31 years young. I'm not sure that being away attending a conference with my hubby with his company helped or not. I was bummed not to have spent it with my family, but i spent it with our extended family that are made up of my hubby's business associates. They are all great and they sang me happy birthday and it was very sweet of them.

My focus now is to remain in this happy state that I am always pursuing to stay in. Not sure if that make sense or not. But I am trying to focus on what I have instead of what I don't have. My other fertility challenged friend is doing the same thing and I realized that when you struggle with being fertility challenged  you find yourself mourning what you DON"T have instead of what you do.... or at least forget to be grateful and happy for what you do have. At least that is what I found out about myself. Since I have been shifting my focus on what I have, life is getting easier to get through. Some of the emotional stress I have found myself living with has been lifted. With pursuing my happy state, I have switched my focus. My desire to achieve pregnancy and form a family with husband is still very much there, and pray that it happens for us, but it isn't my entire focus.

I attended my husband's company national convention last week in Los Angeles and it was great. I normally attend and I don't always enjoy it or find it beneficial for me. I have always attended in an effort to support my hard working hubby and get a better understanding of his company so I can help him expand his business whenever I can. It was very informative and was happy that I attended. I have now found where i can shift my focus too. I am now focused on helping my husband build his business. With his company, his income potential is unlimited and at the same time he will help so many families achieve financial success and eventually achieve financial freedom for them. I have always supported my husband, it is a hard business to start in because at first one is away from home a lot in the evenings at appointments, but over time it is less and less. I came to realize that my husband needs me to be supportive in a different way. I am taking a more hands on approach and will be pushing my husband way more than before. It will require a lot of hard work from both of us, but to achieve great success one must work hard to gain it.

I think I'm okay emotionally right now, but realize that I might benefit from finding a local support group to help me deal with the infertility. I'm okay right now, but what about in a month or in 6 months? I'm not sure where I will be and I don't want to slip into any form of depression again. So I will track one down and join. As I do that I also will be helping plan my sister's babyshower. She is pregnant with a Healthy baby girl, and I am excited. 

Some days it is sad that my turn hasn't come up yet. I think that is what makes it hard to communicate with friends in-real-life (IRL) because they sometimes mistake my sadness about my circumstance for me being upset or not happy about their news of pregnancy or someone else's pregnancy. It is always about working to maintain balance in the friendship and reassure that I am happy for them or others who are fertile. But with that reassurance there always an explanation that comes with it. An explanation that I'm sad for me, for my circumstance and that it is totally separate from my feeling about them or that friend that is having their baby. I think this why I would so benefit from a support group. I don't have to give explanations of any sort really, they all understand.  It will help be able to open up more and talk freely about being fertility challenged to my friends IRL that are fertile. I think because I don't get to fully address my sorrows at being fertility challenged whenever I'm feeling sad about my circumstance, my poor friends IRL feel helpless and often unsure of what to say.

The one thing that is clear for me about being fertility challenged, you are not the only one who suffers, everyone who loves and cares about you suffer too.  I suffer because i can't express how I feel to others who have no idea of the fertility struggle, and friends suffer because they really can't relate and don't know what to say to offer comfort.  But in time, we will all be on the same page and our friendships will get back to some sort of normalcy and we can all enjoy our company again....which is why i don't give up pursuing my happy state!