BFN=Relief...???

So I took a HPT (home pregnancy test)Sunday morning...I really didn't want to do it, but found it necessary as I started to bleed. This freaked me out because I am taking birth control pills and I should not have any mid-cycle bleeding. So I needed to be sure I didn't need to rush to the ER because i was pregnant and quite possibly loosing a baby I didn't even know I had. When I saw the bright red spots, a lot of emotions ran through me. First was definitely shock.... I couldn't believe that I could be pregnant and that I would be loosing it before I ever had a chance to embrace it. Then there was fear of what it all could mean. Then there was confusion at how it could be happening....how could i have managed to get pregnant, not know it and in someways deny it, and then be on the verge of loosing my pregnancy.

So I sent my hubby to the market accross the street from our house to buy a HPT... of cousre he asked the usual male questions... What brand? How do I know it's the right one? how much would it cost? what if i get the wrong one? After reassuring him that it all didn't matter and to get whichever one he could buy with the only $10 we had in cash...it would be okay and it would work. He made it back quickly and I go POTS(pee on the stick) and in less that 5 minutes later it is very clear.... NEGATIVE! A BFN(big fat negative)!!!

So i did feel relief. Relief that I wasn't pregnant and loosing my baby. That would have been awfull! But i was also disappointed. I was disappointed because the optimist that still manages to reside in me, believed that it could have been a sign from God to let me know I was pregnant and everything would have been all right. Women bleed/spot through out their otherwise normal pregnancies. For a brief moment in the bathroom I had felt some optimism that it would be positive and it would be all okay. That only took a few minutes to let go and be relieved that I was not pregnant and there was no unknown lost baby. It was hard to tell my hubby though. He had a look on his face, even if it was brief, that told he had also hoped it would have been positive...so much so that he even asked to see the HPT for himself... he has NEVER done that before. It made me a little more sad and i wanted to cry for him, for me, for us.... But I shook it off because i still have hope. We will be starting a new cycle by the end of next week and I have lot's of hope for this upcoming cycle. I have a feeling that it will work!! and I will hold on to that feeling!!

Read me next time!!