I finally decided to start a blog. I have been thinking about it for some time now. I use to keep a journal and as i grew older and life became just a bit more hectic it got harder and harder for me to find even a small amount of time to just sit down and write down my random thoughts. Many times I simply could not find my journal, and by the time i found it, I didn't feel like writing down anything. With a blog, at least with it being online, as long as i can remember my log in info, i can write from anywhere I have access to a computer. So now if I need to jot down some random thoughts, I know where my "Journal" can be found.
Why do I need to start a blog....writing is therapeutic for me. There has been so much going on in my life these last few years that nearly drove me insane!! Not the type of insanity that would require a padded room, but the type that I just felt like I needed to just kick and scream at the world. I also hope to be able to finally just let everyone know just how difficult life can be, but it doesn't mean life has to suck. Life is what you make of it and life IS unfair. But no matter what happens, Life is a gift and should be lived to the fullest with as little regret as possible. Through my blogs i hope to be able to reach others who have experienced what I have or are experiencing some of the same things I have and feel they have no one to talk too. I never would have imagined that at age 28 I would be told I had Cancer and would have to contemplate having a hysterectomy. I always imagined myself at age 28, to have a nice home, a loving husband, and at least 2 children. I guess 2 out of 3 isn't so bad.
Now at 30, I had hoped to have had at least one child. But so far it hasn't happened for us, but I haven't lost faith that it will. This will be my sanctuary, my cyber journal as we move forward with continued Fertility treatments, and eventually a place where I can randomly share my pregnancy stories, my children's stories, and just my life's stories.
We have been through a whole lot. I have been through a lot. While my husband is one the world's greatest husband, it is hard to share some things with him. He can never understand what it is like to know you want to be a mother all your life and be told that it might not happen because a potentially life ending disease is growing and quite possibly festering in your uterus and initial recommendation is to get it removed. It is quite devastating. Of course through it all I had this silly notion that I had to remain strong for every loved one in my life. If I cracked, they would all follow suit. I don't recommend that for anyone. Find a way of acknowledging the fear, the anger, the frustration. While positivity goes a long way, giving into all those scary feelings and emotions doesn't mean you are not being positive. Feelings are feelings and should be expressed and let out in someway. It took one session with a wonderful therapist to help me see it that way. And this little bit of information has helped me out through some difficult times recently.
So our next fertility treatment will take place in June, just a few weeks away. It will be our 3rd attempt with advanced treatment. I'm hoping it will work, because if we get no pregnancy, we'll be moving onto In-Vitro Fertilization in August (hopefully). It has been 4 years of trying to conceive. Something so natural sure isn't so natural for us. And it's all me. I'm the one who has issues. My hubby's "soldiers" are in good order. My body for some reason just can't seem to ovulate on its own. Very frustrating. All those years I enjoyed of not having regular monthly visits from AF (fertility talk that is short for Aunt Flow-which is term used to describe a menstrual period), never imagined just what it would mean when trying to have a baby.
Okay, well that is all for now. I should really get back to work...my afternoon break went on just a little longer than it should have.... not by much I swear boss lady!! =-P
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