Thursday, August 30, 2007

Bittersweet Feelings......

I am going to have a Niece!!! Well 75% chance i'm having a niece...Yup my sister is having a girl! Well the baby wouldn't open her legs so the ultra-sound tech couldn't see too well, but saw no obvious sign that it could be boy, but couldn't for sure say it was girl 100%. As my sister's "big day" approached i wasn't sure how i felt about. She was so excited and would email me letting me know how excited she was. Honestly, I wanted to be as excited with her, but some days i admit, i found it hard to be excited. I couldn't help but feel a bit bummed b/c we remain childless. I know that it is all a process and over time, it does get easier, and over all I am excited about the baby, but I can't help but wish i was pregnant or have a baby of my own in my arms.

Some days i catch myself daydreaming about "What if..." What if our firs IUI/Injectable cycle would have worked. Couldn't help but to think about if that pregnancy would have survived I would have a newborn in my arms and I would be enjoying motherhood. Luckly for me, those painfull moments come and go fairly quickly and remain optimistic about the upcoming IVF cycle. Some days i'm anxiously awaiting it, and other days i'm scared! But through it all I don't loose faith. Just like I know I will become more excited about the birth of my niece. My sister was pretty bummed out about having a girl, she really wanted a boy. She did irritate me a bit with her less than enthusiastic attitude towards her baby girl. But i have to remind myself that she hasn't struggled TTC like I have. Anyone who has TTC for any long period of time would be most happy with a healthy baby, boy or girl. Here she was lamenting it was a girl. I did tell her to quit being so upset and be happy that the baby is healthy!

A day later, I do feel more excitement at the thought it is going to be a girl! I do laugh at how the world works, here I have been trying to get pregnant, and have been hoping for a girl, only to have my sister pregnant with a girl. The journey we must walk definitely can be funny and ironic! I spoke to my sister today. She had gotten a call from her Dr.s office and it made her nervous and had no one to call and needed to talk to someone. Her Dr. wants her to go back tomorrow for a repeat Ultra-sound, and that made her worry some. Her boyfriend was home asleep (he works late into the nite) and she needed to talk to someon....to calm her nerves, so she called me.

Since me and my sister haven't been close in a long while, it was weird feeling to have her call me. It was how I imagined it would be, growing up, as close as we were, i imagined that is how it would be. Calling one another during pregnancy when no one else was available to talk to about the anxiety or excitement of the pregnancy. Just knowing that the other would be available no matter what time of the day it was. It was nice to talk to her today, as i soothed her nerves as a i reassured her it was no big deal and to look at the upside of it, she may get a bitter picture and can really determine what the baby will be. I also told her again, that she needed to be happy and excited about her baby girl, and be thankful she is healthy. She admitted to being scared she would be able to handle a girl because she herself was a tough one to handle...and she is very aware of the term "what goes around comes around". She knows she has made my parents life hell and now it could be her turn if she has a girl. But she is happy, and is praying for a healthy baby!

I now find myself getting excited about my Niece! I hope to be a big part of her life, as that is my plan. Now i have to talk to my mom about the posibility of throwing my sister a baby shower. I do feel bad at the thought of not throwing her one, and that is going to be tricky. I know my mom doesn't want to mingle with her boyfriend's family and i don't really care, but looking at it from a financial point of view, I don't think i could afford to mingle both families. My sister is going to have to understand that we are not inviting his family, except maybe his mom and his sister, b/c we have a big family, and just she and her boyfriend and his kids is alot.... but if she really wants to throw a fit, I will just scratch the idea and just get her a nice gift or a couple of gifts, basically i will spend the money i would have on her party on a baby gift(s). We'll see.....

Well can't believe September is knocking....where has the summer gone?? Time sure is flying super fast these days...... just fast.... i guess i will talk to my mom about that babyshower now.... I am having a niece!!!!!!!!! I can just feel the bubble of excitement! and that makes me happy to know that I can enjoy this baby and maybe this baby will be what brings my sister and I just a little closer.........just maybe! Everything happens for a good reason, why else would God do things the way God chooses?......

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