Monday, August 6, 2007

Checking back....

I'm a terrible blogger!!! haahaaahaa.... I can't count how many times i attempted to sit down and give an update, or just bare my soul on the days i felt it heavy with whatever emotion.... but I was wiped by the end of June, and the July flew by so quickly, before i knew i was turning the calendar page into a new month. It is amazing how quickly time flies, even when you await something exciting you think it will drag and take forever to get here...but in realty, it really doesn't, not anymore. Maybe it just seems that way to me!

SO the end of JUne had a disappointing finale, a low postive pregnancy and resulted in another miscarriage. I enjoyed it as much as i could. I had the very sore boobs and a ridiculous craving for pepperccinis....and I do mean ridiculous! I have only eaten them once before in my life, and for about a week and half I was eating them out of the jar and eating them with my sandwiches! I was left with 2 full jars of those things and an empty utuerus. It was a sad time. But I allowed myself to feel the emotions and embrace my loss. I cried when i felt like it, i got angry when i felt it, and let myself feel the frustration of it all, and I allowed myself to feel sad that I wasn't pregnant and my sister was. It just seemed unfair, and sometimes even now it feels unfair. My sister told us when she found out she was at about 8-9 weeks. She was always had irregular periods like myself and didn't know she was pregnant until she couldn't shake off what she though was a stomach flu....just like in the movies...looking back at that now, it is funny i guess. So she is now about 14 weeks i think. It seemed God has a sense of humor! But I know God has a reason for why he does things. There has got to be a good reason for why my sister and her boyfriend will be welcoming their first child, and his 8th child. Yes I meant to type 8th child. He and my sister are raising his 7 children from his first marriage (yes all by the same mother) and have struggled to make ends meet. But it seems now that my sister i gaining ground beneath her. SHe finished her Master's program in May, found out she was pregnant in June and found a good job in her field in July. IT is really true that when it's time, God will help you find your way and all will fall into place.

I know that me and my husband anxiously await a child and want it so badly....but our patience is being tested adn we have come to accept that it will happen in time. After speaking to our RE (reproductive endocronologist) will be hoping to do our first IVF cycle in October. I'm excited and praying for a positve result! I have started accupuncture and hope that will help stay relaxed and stress free. I am hoping that my body can finally accept a pregnancy and carry it to full term to deliver a healthy baby! That is what i want most in life. In the mean time i'm just going to relax and enjoy life and know that it will happen when it is supposed to happen.

As time goes on, I get a little more excited about the birth of my neice or nephew in January 2008, and hope that with the pregnancy and birth of my sister's first child, my sister and I can bridge the gap she helped build. We were once close and after some unfortunate circumstances that my sister help create, we have become distanced from one another. I knew that one day we would be in touch again, and i'm looking at this baby to be what helps us come back to each other again. Things will never the same, not better or worse than before, but it will be different and we will move forward closer than what we are now. I was afraid to see my sister pregnant, but after seeing her and seeing her 'baby bump' it wasn't that bad. Of course when i saw her first U/S i wish it was my baby's first u/s picture i was showing my parents, but it wasn't meant to be that way. Although my parents aren't super excited, i think it will build up within them as it is in me. I was at Target over the weekend and passed byt he infant section and though how cute the clothes were and how I wished my sister has a girl...they are funner to shop for =-). I didn't care for the comment that my husband followed up with...that my "brother-in-law" was starting to become accepted by me..or something like that. I don't care either way for my sister's boyfriend or her relationship. It was because of that relationship that caused our fallout, or i should say how she handled her relationship with us...i know i make no sense and one day on a rainy day i'll share the entire story, but for now, the key point is that I have no feelings for him or their relationship...if my sister is happy with him that is great, but it has nothing to do with me or my sister's relationship. I was mad at her and not him. And this baby that is to be born is a complete innocent. This baby is not to blame for the mess her/his mom made of her relationship with her family and closest friends. But my husband really made me angry...i could feel my blood boil just beneath the surface. I didn't like his comments...not the boyfriend piece, but what he followed with. I told him that this baby had nothing to do with my feeling for him or for my sister, this child was going to be my neice or nephew and i did not have to deal with him or my sister to have a relation with the baby...of course if my sister would allow it, and she would because she has come to realize our issue and distance was caused by her...but that i would be able to have seperate relationship with the baby and i didn't have to say anything to him when i took care of MY neice or nephew for the weekend. Then he said "WHAT" we are not taking care of her baby. I said it would be just the weekend on occasion and he was still shaking his head and saying "i don't think so" then i asked him how different was that from us taking my godsons (who are his nephews as well) for the weekend, and he had the nerve to say that was different. I have never in my life can remember a time when my anger shot to the surface to quickly. I was surprised that i manage to tell him ever so calmly that it wasn't anything different and that i was through talking about it because he was going to piss me off. I don't know if he was pushing my buttons and messing with me, as he likes to do on occasion, but I chose not to continue further. Luckly for him, he realized i found no humor with it and left it alone. I couldn't believe it....he is normally not that inconsiderate, and hopefully he knows that some jokes aren't funny.

okay i'm through ranting..... hope to keep up my blog sooner...as i started accupuncture have something interesting to talk about while we await our IVF cycle! Better go finish work!!! =-)

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