Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Feeling Blue

I never would have imagined trying to conceive one baby would be so emotional, so stressful, so frustrating and so very painful! I was so afraid of having sex in high school because I didn't want to get pregnant, and I refrained from such pleasures until I felt I could handle an unplanned pregnancy. Luckily for me, my hubby would happen to be the first and only man in my life. We were both on the same page for the first 3 years of our relationship, avoiding pregnancy if we could. We were successful, and now, 4 years after making the decision we were ready for kids, we are still waiting! It has been such a long difficult journey and I would not wish upon anyone. Had I had a clue it would be this difficult, we would have tried a long long time ago. But then it all happens in the way its supposed to happen. Had I NOT been on birth control pills for 3 years, I would probably have no uterus right now.

While I'm being patient and don't loose hope or faith, this week has been very painful for me. I've been very emotional and fighting against everything not to get depressed! Can't help but recall where we were a year ago. We were beginning advanced treatment with our RE and had so much hope the injections and IUI would work and we would get pregnant. Well we did, and got my first ever BFP pregnancy test almost a year ago and suffered our known loss almost a year ago too. It is so hard to have accomplished getting pregnant only for it not to last that much longer. So I have found myself thinking of what could have been had that first cycle worked for us. Right now my baby would have been about 3 months old and thinking about that makes me very sad.

But must keep looking to the future and know that I will be holding my baby or babies in my arms soon, really soon! I just hope we can start IVF. Right now we would have been gearing up for egg retrieval/transfer, but because we have to pay out of pocket, could not afford to pay for it. We hope we can by December, but I find it hard to think we can. Sometimes it just seems like it isn't our time yet. I get notice from our insurance company notifying us that they received claims from my Dr. for last month's surgery and they are not going to cover ANYTHING! That is almost a $25,000 bill!!!! If we have to pay that, we are going to be screwed!!! I'm am hopeful that my Dr.s office can re-submit their claim and make sure they do not code it for Fertility reasons. We have no Fertility coverage, and although I understand that the hysteroscopy can not be for any other reason other than Fertility, I would assume the D&C would be covered because we did it to make sure there was no cancer present in my uterine lining!!! I wish my Dr.s office would be a little more cooperative, they haven't returned my calls regarding my account. I couldn't help myself, once I opened that from the insurance, i couldn't hold it in anymore, i just cried!

I cried in frustration of the whole dang process! My sweet dear husband was wonderful. I could tell he wanted to help me but had no clue how to help. All he kept telling me was that it was all going to be Okay! I believe him, but i still couldn't stop crying. He kept telling me ever so gently that I shouldn't give up, it will be okay! I smiled and said yeah i know, it will be okay! But i was and still am soooo frustrated!!!!!! And if my body would just cooperate and make a stronger effort, i might just ovulate! That at least gives a small chance....but nope, it wants to be difficult! So again after a valiant effort, my body didn't achieve ovulation! Oh well , there is always next cycle! Oh that pains of a woman trying to conceive a baby! It shouldn't be this hard...you make love with your husband, you make a baby........why are the most simplest things be so difficult?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Cara - I am so sorry that you are feeling so blue. This is a difficult time to go through. remember you are not alone, your 'pals' are here for you. I wish I could pay your medical bills for you so you could get started on your IVF. I'm praying for you and am here if you need to vent.
xoxoxoxo
Kathy