Can't help but to ask Why....

I was talking to a really good friend of mine today, and I found out that she found out she has a lump in her breast. She has to get a biopsy and she isn't doing too well about that discovery. She is such a strong, healthy woman whom I admire. Now she finds herself unsure of what is next to come. Of course we are both optimistic that it will be nothing, but the not knowing is what drives you crazy. I sure hope I can help her through this long wait until she gets finals results. I truly know and understand where she is right now. I have been there myself. Full of optimism, but still feeling anxious about getting those results. She tried very hard to be there for me when I went through the same wait and then when diagnosed with cancer, she was very supportive and I just knew she was there for me. I hope to be able to be there for her. She now knows what i was going through and I know what she is going through. I sure hope I can be there for her and help her through this.

Many times, just being there for a friend is more than enough, but you as the friend feel like you should be doing more but just don't know how or what to do for your friend. We will remain positive and will get good and welcoming results. Despite having been diagnosed w/ Cancer, I and everyone in my support system remained positive and at the end of treatment, we got positive welcoming results. I still can't help but to wonder why it has to happen. Why is it that good people get tested in this way. It always seems that people who do not take care of themselves very well live long lives with very little health problems.

I also ask why, why do we have to go through something like this. I feel like I'm a stronger person having been through what I have been through. Now I can be there for my friend. I will be there for her from beginning to end and through it all will be there to help her see it to the end, and be victorious!! It will be hard because it is a hard journey to go through for anyone and everyone involved. Because we are all different, I'm sure that my friend will experience some things I didn't, but in the end I will stand by my friend. Many women, including my mom, have found bumps of all sizes in their breasts and either it turns out to be nothing (as it was in my mom's case) or it is successfully treated and they go on to live a long happy life.

I just wish it didn't have to happen to my friend or anyone for that matter. It's just hard not to question why when it happens to a person who deals with so much and handles too much and is there for everyone when no one seems to ever be there for her. Maybe this is just a little reminder to her that she needs to start taking care of herself more and take care of other's a little less. For a brief moment I do feel helpless I admit, while I have been down this road myself, when it happens to someone your care, admire and love, you wish it wasn't happening to them. But in the end, while our hope and faith are tested, we are all certainly still have faith and hope that it will be all right.

This is just another reminder to me that I better get my act together and finally do what i have to do professionally....procrastination is an ugly thing....but more on that some other time....For now, I will be supportive in any way that I can to my friend....

BFN=Relief...???

So I took a HPT (home pregnancy test)Sunday morning...I really didn't want to do it, but found it necessary as I started to bleed. This freaked me out because I am taking birth control pills and I should not have any mid-cycle bleeding. So I needed to be sure I didn't need to rush to the ER because i was pregnant and quite possibly loosing a baby I didn't even know I had. When I saw the bright red spots, a lot of emotions ran through me. First was definitely shock.... I couldn't believe that I could be pregnant and that I would be loosing it before I ever had a chance to embrace it. Then there was fear of what it all could mean. Then there was confusion at how it could be happening....how could i have managed to get pregnant, not know it and in someways deny it, and then be on the verge of loosing my pregnancy.

So I sent my hubby to the market accross the street from our house to buy a HPT... of cousre he asked the usual male questions... What brand? How do I know it's the right one? how much would it cost? what if i get the wrong one? After reassuring him that it all didn't matter and to get whichever one he could buy with the only $10 we had in cash...it would be okay and it would work. He made it back quickly and I go POTS(pee on the stick) and in less that 5 minutes later it is very clear.... NEGATIVE! A BFN(big fat negative)!!!

So i did feel relief. Relief that I wasn't pregnant and loosing my baby. That would have been awfull! But i was also disappointed. I was disappointed because the optimist that still manages to reside in me, believed that it could have been a sign from God to let me know I was pregnant and everything would have been all right. Women bleed/spot through out their otherwise normal pregnancies. For a brief moment in the bathroom I had felt some optimism that it would be positive and it would be all okay. That only took a few minutes to let go and be relieved that I was not pregnant and there was no unknown lost baby. It was hard to tell my hubby though. He had a look on his face, even if it was brief, that told he had also hoped it would have been positive...so much so that he even asked to see the HPT for himself... he has NEVER done that before. It made me a little more sad and i wanted to cry for him, for me, for us.... But I shook it off because i still have hope. We will be starting a new cycle by the end of next week and I have lot's of hope for this upcoming cycle. I have a feeling that it will work!! and I will hold on to that feeling!!

Read me next time!!

My head's cruel joke

The mind IS a powerful tool. It could be used for good and/or for evil. What is worse is when your mind has convinced your body of something that just can't be. For every woman out there who has struggled with getting pregnant can definitely relate to my experience of my mind convincing the rest of my body to believe it to be pregnant. The worst is the bouts of dizziness and nausea, because you are so convinced you have to be pregnant. Only to POAS (=Pee On A Stick....some fertility lingo for you) and stare at a Big Fat Negative (BFN) and be disappointed yet again that you are not pregnant. And if you are like me, who doesn't get a period every month, just knew it would be positive, even if it has been about 2 years of the same thing. It doesn't get any less disappointing or heartbreaking. Even when you know realistically you just can't be pregnant, your mind somehow manages to allow just enough doubt into you, that your body starts to immediately react. If you don't slightly obsess, and if you don't then you haven't been trying long enough, you may not know what I'm talking about. But that is okay, i know that not everyone can be obsessive like me... I do tend to have a slightly addictive personality and obsessing over things comes with that....

So yesterday, it was a quirky day. Since I've become older, I have started to develop allergies and during this time of year can be a little sensitive to scents i would find yummy any other time of the year. My sense of smell has been really sensitive these last couple of days that 2 different people have used the "P" word....I find it hard to believe that I'm to be "P"regnant. For one I had a blood pregnancy test about a month ago, took provera to induce a period, had a period, and now taking birth control pills in preparation for another Fertility treatment cycle next month. Now my head has convince the rest of my body to join in on a joke. Now I feel nauseated and swear i can smell things no one else can.... arrrrrrrrgggggggg frustrating!!

I know how to end this cruel joke, if these symptoms don't disappear, I'm going to have to buy home pregnancy tests. It is the only way to keep my mind from convincing the rest of my body to think it's pregnant. Of course i would be sooooo happy that I would actually be pregnant... but I would be scared. I've taken birth control pills, and not to mention all the drinking I've done these last few weekends!! Since I've turned 30 in March, I've done more drinking than i have all my life. Those who know me know I don't usually drink. I'll have an occasional glass of wine, or maybe a cocktail if we go out dancing to the clubs with friends, but not much. I have had a lot of fun these last few weeks hanging out with friends....

Well this concludes my rambling for now.... Now i hope this helps in getting that silly notion out of my head of possibly being pregnant...only time will tell!!

Until next time...........

My FIRST ever Blog

I finally decided to start a blog. I have been thinking about it for some time now. I use to keep a journal and as i grew older and life became just a bit more hectic it got harder and harder for me to find even a small amount of time to just sit down and write down my random thoughts. Many times I simply could not find my journal, and by the time i found it, I didn't feel like writing down anything. With a blog, at least with it being online, as long as i can remember my log in info, i can write from anywhere I have access to a computer. So now if I need to jot down some random thoughts, I know where my "Journal" can be found.

Why do I need to start a blog....writing is therapeutic for me. There has been so much going on in my life these last few years that nearly drove me insane!! Not the type of insanity that would require a padded room, but the type that I just felt like I needed to just kick and scream at the world. I also hope to be able to finally just let everyone know just how difficult life can be, but it doesn't mean life has to suck. Life is what you make of it and life IS unfair. But no matter what happens, Life is a gift and should be lived to the fullest with as little regret as possible. Through my blogs i hope to be able to reach others who have experienced what I have or are experiencing some of the same things I have and feel they have no one to talk too. I never would have imagined that at age 28 I would be told I had Cancer and would have to contemplate having a hysterectomy. I always imagined myself at age 28, to have a nice home, a loving husband, and at least 2 children. I guess 2 out of 3 isn't so bad.

Now at 30, I had hoped to have had at least one child. But so far it hasn't happened for us, but I haven't lost faith that it will. This will be my sanctuary, my cyber journal as we move forward with continued Fertility treatments, and eventually a place where I can randomly share my pregnancy stories, my children's stories, and just my life's stories.

We have been through a whole lot. I have been through a lot. While my husband is one the world's greatest husband, it is hard to share some things with him. He can never understand what it is like to know you want to be a mother all your life and be told that it might not happen because a potentially life ending disease is growing and quite possibly festering in your uterus and initial recommendation is to get it removed. It is quite devastating. Of course through it all I had this silly notion that I had to remain strong for every loved one in my life. If I cracked, they would all follow suit. I don't recommend that for anyone. Find a way of acknowledging the fear, the anger, the frustration. While positivity goes a long way, giving into all those scary feelings and emotions doesn't mean you are not being positive. Feelings are feelings and should be expressed and let out in someway. It took one session with a wonderful therapist to help me see it that way. And this little bit of information has helped me out through some difficult times recently.

So our next fertility treatment will take place in June, just a few weeks away. It will be our 3rd attempt with advanced treatment. I'm hoping it will work, because if we get no pregnancy, we'll be moving onto In-Vitro Fertilization in August (hopefully). It has been 4 years of trying to conceive. Something so natural sure isn't so natural for us. And it's all me. I'm the one who has issues. My hubby's "soldiers" are in good order. My body for some reason just can't seem to ovulate on its own. Very frustrating. All those years I enjoyed of not having regular monthly visits from AF (fertility talk that is short for Aunt Flow-which is term used to describe a menstrual period), never imagined just what it would mean when trying to have a baby.

Okay, well that is all for now. I should really get back to work...my afternoon break went on just a little longer than it should have.... not by much I swear boss lady!! =-P