Who I once was...

That is a question that I find myself asking myself.... "Who am I, and who was I before" I want to go back to who I once was before the infertility journey. I can still remember being a more optimistic person, I remember that my infertility issues weren't always present in my thoughts, I would enjoy babies and children without thinking what MY baby would be like, and really, I just enjoyed life. I lived life. Up until recently, I didn't drink coffee too often, stayed away from caffeine (even stopped taking Excedrin for my migraines) and I felt guilty in indulging in a glass of wine at dinner or having a cocktail for no reason. As i try to become more of who I used to be, I'm drinking coffee when I feel the urge, haven't had a migraine in a while so have had no need for an Excedrin, and I am enjoying a glass of wine or cocktail when I feel like it. As far as the drinking, I don't do it often, but it is nice to do so and not feel guilty.

Do I find myself questioning God's plan, honestly no. I just wonder when it might be my turn. I think that I have had a hard time because there are few people  IRL (in real life) that I discuss my fertility issues. Mostly it's me, I choose not to talk about it because I fear that whomever i'm talking too really doesn't want to hear it, and if they really did then they would ask about it. So even when I really need to express myself or express frustrations there really isn't anyone I can readily speak too. It is hard and it is lonely. Women going through this difficult journey understand that feeling. I have a great support through my virtual friends...these women are my lifelines, this includes my fertile friend too! But unfortunately, they are spread out through out the country that it is hard to get together and chat. Even those that are in the same general area, still a bit too far to just get together and vent with one another. 

It can't be too hard to find the person I once was..I will find her. I want to be the same bubbly positive gal I know I still am, I'm tired of faking the bubbliness and the positivity I often catch myself doing. My leg is gotten tired of 'kicking my rock' and i'm tired of moping! Whatever is to happen it will just happen. I'm going to work on myself inside out. Part of that will involve me coming to accept that I might not have my own children and that will be okay. There are so many children out  there in need of a good loving home. It just might be that there is a child or two that were born in this world just for me, i just have to find them.

God I pray to you, I pray that you will lift the blind from my eyes so that I can find my child and travel the road I am to travel. I pray for strength to accept what is, and pray for strength to make changes on the things you help me see that i can change. amen.