Knock, knock.. Who's there?? "Hi, it's Anxiety and friends..."

I have started the processes to start IVF.  I had my ultra-sound (u/s) this morning to check my ovaries to make sure there had been no activity, to make sure there were no cysts present. Now I knew there shouldn't be since i have been on birth control pills (BCPs) since June 12.  I stayed on them even though we had canceled the IVF cycle last month, since I didn't ovulate on my own and I would have to induce anyway, figured I should stay on BCPs to help level out some of my out of control hormones! So all looked great and I got the go-ahead to start Lupron injections tomorrow night. For those of you who don't know what this medication is, don't worry, I didn't know about either until I realized that we would have to continue our quest for our family via IVF.  Lupron helps maintain my ovaries "quiet".  With IVF, Dr.s do not want your body to take over and ovulate before THEY are ready for the woman to ovulate. IVF is very scientific, but it also very much controlled (as much as the Dr.s can control), so I am to stay on BCPs until this sunday, and will be on Lupron injections throughout my cycle.  The Dr. will lower dose once I start stimulation injections, and may take me off lupron all together if she sees that it is hindering progress of my ovaries.  

Once the stimulation of my ovaries begin, we want the ovaries to produce a nice number of follicles.  The more I have the better, since not all the follicles will mature and fertilize.  It is all very scientific and never imagined that my journey to motherhood would include more than just my husband and that conception would take place in a lab rather than our bedroom.  Well, I have learned early on in life, life doesn't always go the way you imagined it will happen.

So on the eve of my first set of injections, my emotions are all over the place.  I am trying to stay as relaxed as possible, but I am finding it a bit hard to do. I am not sure what it is that I'm feeling. I can definitely describe it as anxiety.  Right now I am very thankful that I was able to allow myself to listen to my husband and agree with his logic and marched forward with doing the Shared Risk program.  I think it would have been a lot worse if I felt that IT HAD to Work this first time because we only had one shot!! I know that we have a plan in place in case it doesn't work, but I still want it to work the first time!! I woke up this morning feeling very nauseated and nervous and couldn't explain why!

I honestly am excited, but also am very nervous and anxious! I'm scared that it might not work, I'm scared that it does work and loose my babies early on as I have in the past.  I'm just scared and I don't like it!!! I am being optimistic and am trying to think positive. It is hard sometimes because after 5 years of disappointments, remaining positive sometimes is hard. I am very thankful to God for my husband, because he hasn't lost all hope. He remains positive and luckily has enough for the both of us! I will be moving forward full of excitement, full of nerves, and anxiety! I pray that I can say that I am free of all nervous anxiety once i start injections and my cycle continues to move forward!