Rain....

I can't believe how much rain we are getting. It seems like it has rained every day this month! It doesn't happen often, but it does, but it's been a while since it has rained this much. Part of me wants it to go away, it is making me depressed!! Well just staring at it from the inside is making me depressed! I enjoy the rain usually and was feeling bummed that I was feeling bummed about the rain. It is said that people tend to get more depressed during the winter due to the weather, and I believe it! I've been feeling so gloomy and couldn't explain why I just couldn't get out of my funk. Then it hit after watching people walk in and out of my office building with their umbrellas.... the rain is the reason!!

Then a funny thing happened. I had to walk down to mailbox to mail off some documents for work, when I walked out of their office it started to rain a little harder. I found myself walking in the rain. I hadn't walked in the rain in a long, long time. I have ran in the rain trying to get to my car into my office without getting too wet. It had been a long time since I just ENJOYED the rain! I found myself giggling like a little girl! If I had had better shoes on  I would have walked longer in the rain, if I had better head protection I would have walked in the rain. It was the strangest sensation of walking in the rain, enjoying the rain and feeling like I was 10 years old again! The feeling of the rain against my face, the puddles on the floor..... I really did want to jump in them too...... wow, I hadn't felt that carefree in a long time. It was cold, but I didn't care. Ahhhhhh...... to be 10 again! 

So maybe now I can hold onto that feeling and start feeling like myself and get out of this funky mood I have found myself in.......... I'm going to walk slowly through the rain....

Here one second......Gone the next...

I survived all the birthdays in January! I have a total of 7 birthdays of family and friends. I usually celebrate 5 of the 7, this year I celebrated 6 of 7 birthdays and 5 of them in the same week!!! It was a lot of fun, but very tiring! I forget every year how hectic the end of January could be! But I can no start to catch my breath! I am very thankful and appreciate that I can celebrate so many birthdays every January and the rest of the year.

I got a visit from a neighbor yesterday morning with very sad news. She came to notify me that our other neighbor had passed away last week. Up until that very second, my neighbor "D" was still alive in my mind. I was very shocked. "D" was a very sweet older woman. She was our homeowner's association president and as I am the secretary, we worked together for the last 3-4 years. She was a great person, and we got along great. Every time I ran down to her place to quickly discuss an association matter, we would talk "business" for about 15-20 minutes and then spent an hour just chatting on personal matters. She was a very soft spoken, mild mannered, sweet, sweet woman. I enjoyed our chats and she knew about my fertility struggles and she always listened attentively whenever we would talk about my current fertility challenge. She also listened when I was talking to my sister. She would always, always tell me that I could come over anytime to chat and have tea, she offered her 'ears' whenever I needed to just talk.  

I had spoken to "D" the week before as we had discussed certain association items, we briefly spoke about what was going with each of us, she didn't sound to well, but she said she wasn't feeling too well because her blood pressure was acting up, but she would be okay as she was feeling better. I had tried reaching "D" just this past Friday, wanting to make sure she was feeling better and to set up a meeting. I didn't reach her but never thought I never would. So very sad. As soon as my neighbor left I shut the front door and with my hand over my heart let my tears of sadness fall. I was saddened because I didn't get to say farewell to my friend, saddened because I would be able to visit my friend again, saddened because I will miss my friend always. 

I was telling my husband how I had thought that I needed to call "D" and visit more often. In one second my friend was gone. Before I opened the door, my friend had been alive and warm and cozy in her house.  I will never get to visit her home and admire her cute bear collection (she adored teddy bears). I now pray that she is resting in peace and i take solace that she also passed away peacefully. She will forever live in my heart and in my too few memories of her....

Who I once was...

That is a question that I find myself asking myself.... "Who am I, and who was I before" I want to go back to who I once was before the infertility journey. I can still remember being a more optimistic person, I remember that my infertility issues weren't always present in my thoughts, I would enjoy babies and children without thinking what MY baby would be like, and really, I just enjoyed life. I lived life. Up until recently, I didn't drink coffee too often, stayed away from caffeine (even stopped taking Excedrin for my migraines) and I felt guilty in indulging in a glass of wine at dinner or having a cocktail for no reason. As i try to become more of who I used to be, I'm drinking coffee when I feel the urge, haven't had a migraine in a while so have had no need for an Excedrin, and I am enjoying a glass of wine or cocktail when I feel like it. As far as the drinking, I don't do it often, but it is nice to do so and not feel guilty.

Do I find myself questioning God's plan, honestly no. I just wonder when it might be my turn. I think that I have had a hard time because there are few people  IRL (in real life) that I discuss my fertility issues. Mostly it's me, I choose not to talk about it because I fear that whomever i'm talking too really doesn't want to hear it, and if they really did then they would ask about it. So even when I really need to express myself or express frustrations there really isn't anyone I can readily speak too. It is hard and it is lonely. Women going through this difficult journey understand that feeling. I have a great support through my virtual friends...these women are my lifelines, this includes my fertile friend too! But unfortunately, they are spread out through out the country that it is hard to get together and chat. Even those that are in the same general area, still a bit too far to just get together and vent with one another. 

It can't be too hard to find the person I once was..I will find her. I want to be the same bubbly positive gal I know I still am, I'm tired of faking the bubbliness and the positivity I often catch myself doing. My leg is gotten tired of 'kicking my rock' and i'm tired of moping! Whatever is to happen it will just happen. I'm going to work on myself inside out. Part of that will involve me coming to accept that I might not have my own children and that will be okay. There are so many children out  there in need of a good loving home. It just might be that there is a child or two that were born in this world just for me, i just have to find them.

God I pray to you, I pray that you will lift the blind from my eyes so that I can find my child and travel the road I am to travel. I pray for strength to accept what is, and pray for strength to make changes on the things you help me see that i can change. amen.

Random Ramblings...

wow can't believe how fast the month is going. We are almost at the end of the first month of 2008. It got off to a rocky start, professionally and personally. Still waiting to get a period.... trying hard not to get paranoid about that....which reminds me i  need to make a Dr. appointment. Not much going on besides the waiting. Work has been a little crazy and i've been getting home really late most nights, so I've been pretty tired most days.

I'm failing miserably on actually completing my New Year's resolutions.... well most of them. I often wonder why we, or I, make them every year. I semi-succeed in accomplishing them. I start off strong, but get off track by March...so sad. =-P  I have not been eating healthier, if anything, I've been eating too much of the 'bad stuff', I'm not sticking to my budget by any means and still forget to mail off my bill payments... haaahaaa.... I pay them, on the due date and online! So i continue to procrastinate as well!!! I hope to work on all of this as the year progresses! AND i'm going to exercise!! It always seems to take me a great while to get back on the treadmill after my "Holiday Break" last year it took until almost October to start and then i stopped due to the holidays!!!!! Soooo bad I am.

Today is my mom's 57th birthday, today she would have been a grandmother..or almost. My sister's due date with my niece was today. I'm very sad about that. I've been feeling a little blue about it. I haven't talked to my sister about how she may feel. She is trying to enjoy her current pregnancy now, so I don't want bring up anything painful for her if she has managed to push it out of her thoughts. I doubt she has forgotten, but I'm sure she is trying to stay positive and focus on her baby on the way, I know I would be if I were her. So we are all being very positive and I am making sure my parents really let go and accept my sister's choices, especially my mom. She says she has, yet always worries about what people will say or she is hurting in some way. I have to remind her from time to time, if she really has come to accept my sister's life choices, she would not care about what RANDOM people have to say and it wouldn't be painful for her at all.  I think she is coming around. Last time we went to Target i convinced her to buy my sister some blue baby booties, a baby hat and some socks.  I knew that it would mean a lot to my sister if my mom gave her those little gifts. I was right about that. When my sister told me how cute it all was, she had tears of joy in her eyes. 

Sometimes life seems a little unfair and it seems like i and others that are trying to conceive are forgotten in some way. I know that it isn't the case, but it is good to give into that feeling and just pout and mope about. I find myself doing that for myself and for other women i have befriended through this journey.  There is a reason why we all go through all that we go through, sometimes it's an explanation and sometimes there isn't, and that is the lesson to be learned. I'm very analytical and always have to have a reason, and it drives me insane when there isn't any. I'm getting better about not looking for reasons and explanations, it isn't easy. But with time, somethings have to get easier, right?

"What ever will be, WILL BE"

Happy 2008!!! I still can't believe another year has come and gone and it is the beginning of a new year! It is a bit exciting as it signifies a new year, a new beginning, a fresh start sort of speak. At least it does for me. Someone asked me, or rather told me, that they didn't get the big hoopla of "Happy New Year" and the big deal about. To them it is just another day. I kinda saw their point, but to me it is a rather unusual day, it is more than "just another day". I always see it as a fresh start. It is a time to reflect on the previous year and appreciate it for what it was. I also see it as a time to be thankful to God for making it through another year, tough or not, God saw me through another year. 2007 was full of happiness, disappointments, sadness, and surprises. 2008 will be better than the year before, because I have declared it will be so!

I found myself enjoying the holidays, even though I did get asked when was I going to 'pop' out a kid. This was asked by a few guy (of course) friends that i don't see often. I thought that I would cringe or want to run and cry at the question, but I found myself laughing at their question. I joked, although it wasn't a joke, of how we are trying very hard. I joked about it with them and we all got a good laugh at the picture I painted...told them to picture Monica and Chandler when they were trying to get pregnant....not too far from the truth, but still a slight joke. All in all, Christmas was great. I do love spending it with friends and family!

Our New Year's eve party was great too. As always, just family. We had too much food, the cake I made for my hubby was a bit hard to chew (although everyone said it was tasty), and too much to drink. My sister came, as she came for christmas eve too. And that was nice. I hadn't spent the holidays with my sister in years so it was nice, and i know my parents enjoyed it too. I think that as the year closed out, they were coming to accept my sister's choices. Up until now, i think that they couldn't bring themselves to fully accept that my sister chose to be in the relationship she is in now. Yes, she wants to be with her boyfriend and raise his 7 kids and her baby. It won't be easy, as my parents know all too well how financially strapped they are, but it is my sister's choice and once they come to accept it, it will be less painful for them. I just hope that with ths new year, my sister visits my parents more regularly, because she hasn't and only seems to make an effort when she needs something. Because of this I can't blame my parents for feeling used. But to each their own battles, I will be there to listen to my mom vent about it and stay neutral. I have stopped being mad at my sister and am looking forward. It won't be easy, and things will never be the same, but that is okay. Sometimes change is a good thing.

I am excited about my sister's baby, and pray that it is growing healthy in her womb. I know my sister is terrified something will go wrong again, and i can't blame her. I really would have wished that she could have been spared any fear or uncertainty during her pregnancy. I wished she could have enjoyed a problem free pregnancy, for ignorance is bliss. But it wasn't to be, God has a reason for why things happen, and maybe her lesson was to really appreciate the gift God bestowed upon her, and that is to appreciate that she can get pregnant and carry a child without having to do infertility treatments. Iknow that she is thankful for the baby she now carries and will love him/her that much more when she/he is born.

Well I may have closed out the year out on a disappointing note. Despite having gotten a postive OPK (ovulation predictor kit) I didn't ovulate. It was a bummer because i never get a positive OPK. I have gotten no period and only negative HPT (home pregnancy tests). But since 2008 will be the year of "whatever will be, WILL BE" I didn't let it get me down. Going into 2008 I am just going to sit back and relax and try to enjoy the ride as best as I can. I have grown tired of letting this journey to acheiving motherhood get me down, depressed, emotionally stressed, frustrated..all that comes with trying to conceive and not being successful. I do feel that in my heart, that one way or another, I will be a mom in 2008. 2008 will be a great year for me, for my family, and for my friends!