Waiting for THE visit.... Praying for a Miracle

One of the hardest things of being Fertility Challenged is that I am always trying to be realistic, expect no miracle to occur month after month, and still pray for one to happen and be disappointed when 'Aunt Flo' (aka AF= menstrual period) makes her appearance every month. Even when I'm taking provera to induce a visit from AF I still find myself waiting AF's arrival and praying that a Miracle has taken place and that AF won't be showing up for 9 months.  I try very hard to believe that I'm not going to hope to become pregnant every month, even though I have told myself that it won't happen without the help of some fertility assistance. I know that I don't ovulate without heavy medication and my body can't pull it off by itself, therefore, until I can move onto doing IVF, there is no way I can be pregnant.

Despite knowing this, I still hope for a miracle.  Right now I'm awaiting a visit of AF, and AF should have been here Monday, at the very latest Tuesday, but it is now Wednesday with some very small signs AF will be here today. It can get very sad and depressing at moments, but I must keep going... after all, I'm still trying to stay in my "happy state". That in itself is harder on some days and easier on other days.  On days like today, where I hear on the news of a mother who was using her 3 small children to shoplift. Now I really don't know the woman's situation and by no means am I passing judgement on her, but it made me sad that she has 3 kids and she was teaching them such things.  I can't help but feel like it's unfair that she has kids and I don't.  Again, she might have been in a very desperate situation that drove her to use her kids to shoplift, but then again maybe she isn't and she is a thief just to be a thief. 

But it is stories like this that reminds me of other stories of mothers abusing their children, neglecting their children and in some really bad situations, kill their children.  I would do none of those things and have yet to have a child to love and hold.  I guess i just grow frustrated that after 5 very long years of trying for the family me and my husband desire, that I grow fearful everyday that maybe I'm not to have children of my own. I can be okay with this too though. I just wish I knew when our time would come to have a houseful of children (biologically ours or not)? 

As much as I love all my godchildren, nieces and nephews, they are not mine. And even though they may see me as a second mom, I'm still not their mom. When they fall and hurt themselves, it is not me they initially run to for comfort. It's not I who gets to tuck them in at night.  I love all my boys dearly and I know that my soul would have died a long time ago if it weren't that they were all a part of my life. Unfortunately, some days that isn't enough anymore. It is hard to explain to friend and family  IRL(in real life) because it does sound a bit bad. It is hard for them to see and understand the ongoing pain and the pain when my boys have gone home and my house is again empty and void of the noise and warmth that is filled by children.  I am forever grateful to be a part of all my boys' lives, and because of the unconditional love i have for each of them, I now know for certain that I will be able to love a child unconditionally even if that child isn't biologically mine and my husband's.  

So I continue to play the waiting game. I await the visit from AF.  I wait for a Miracle. I wait until I am blessed with the child/children I pray for everyday to God.  I will continue to patiently wait and I pray.

Random Thought: JLo's twins & ART

I picked up the People magazine with Jennifer Lopez and her precious twins on the cover. I couldn't help it, not only am I slightly obsessed with twins (LOL), but I like a majority of people out there are curious about celebrities and their babies! I had heard about it all week long about JLo and her twins, and all the questions about did she really or did she really not do IVF or some other form of ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) and here is my own opinion on that: Why should anyone care!?!?!?! LOL Okay, some of us do care! I am happy for her, if she and her husband have been trying for a while, I'm happy she is now able to enjoy raising her children.  

If she did or she didn't, what does it matter, she has the babies she has been wanting for some time now, isn't that enough? I don't hear those questions being raised about Angelina Jolie's supposedly twin pregnancy, so why is it a question in Jennifer Lopez twin birth?? Twins can result in any natural conception and is fairly common. I just find it fairly interesting though.  For me, being Fertility Challenged, if she did do some form of ART and is denying it like it should be some shameful secret, then yeah it is sad that as a woman we must feel some sort of shame in admitting we need assistance in reproduction.  It isn't easy to admit and some are more open than others. I find myself starting to feel more comfortable admitting that my husband and I are having to resort to not-so-natural methods to achieve pregnancy.  I know other women who are open about it from the beginning and others that are like myself and not so very open about our fertility challenges.

I have come across other women, some that are fertility challenged and some that are not, who feel that JLo is denying she had some sort of ART assistance and feel put off that she is denying it. I find this funny because who decides that JLo has to publicly admit she had ART assistance if she indeed had some assistance? Why can't she keep this to herself? Sure she is a celebrity and could do a lot of good and shine some light in a very private quiet battle of so many women around the world. But don't we all choose if we are public or not about our battles with infertility? Besides, twins runs in her and her husband's families, why is it so hard to believe these were naturally conceived twins?

Maybe because of her age and the fact that they are a perfect little boy and a little girl! LOL Yes in the back of mind, IVF w/ PGD screamed out in my head... LOL but again, if she did or if she didn't, the end result is that she was blessed with two beautiful precious angels. I only hope to be as lucky as she and other mothers (fertility challenged or not) and soon will hold a precious baby or two of my own in my arms. And all I know is that, I wish I could look as great as she does so soon after i have my babies too!!! LOL She looked amazing, although I don't think I would have the energy to dress up an a beautiful gown to feed my babies.... unless she lends me her personal trainer, at least one of her mother's helpers, and the group of stylists she has working for her.... then maybe I can look almost as good!! LOL 

I joke of course! I congratulate her and all new mammas!! I also wish her babies luck as they, along with so many other celebrity babies, grow up in the microscope of the newfound career that is being paparazzi......

Happy Spring!!!

In pursuit of a happy state

It has been a while since I expressed myself. Part of me needed too, and another part just didn't want to deal with everything. I found myself struggling with mild depression, but dealt with it the best way I knew how and got past it. I also found myself preparing myself to face my birthday. I had to constantly keep myself from mourning that my due date from my last miscarriage was my birth date. Once I started to walk out of the fog i was in, I started to pursue a happy state. I was determine to not think of what should have been and focused and concentrated on what is. It is easier said than done, but I managed it and enjoyed a quiet birthday. I think i only thought of my lost baby a few times, but overall enjoyed my special day and celebrated that I was now 31 years young. I'm not sure that being away attending a conference with my hubby with his company helped or not. I was bummed not to have spent it with my family, but i spent it with our extended family that are made up of my hubby's business associates. They are all great and they sang me happy birthday and it was very sweet of them.

My focus now is to remain in this happy state that I am always pursuing to stay in. Not sure if that make sense or not. But I am trying to focus on what I have instead of what I don't have. My other fertility challenged friend is doing the same thing and I realized that when you struggle with being fertility challenged  you find yourself mourning what you DON"T have instead of what you do.... or at least forget to be grateful and happy for what you do have. At least that is what I found out about myself. Since I have been shifting my focus on what I have, life is getting easier to get through. Some of the emotional stress I have found myself living with has been lifted. With pursuing my happy state, I have switched my focus. My desire to achieve pregnancy and form a family with husband is still very much there, and pray that it happens for us, but it isn't my entire focus.

I attended my husband's company national convention last week in Los Angeles and it was great. I normally attend and I don't always enjoy it or find it beneficial for me. I have always attended in an effort to support my hard working hubby and get a better understanding of his company so I can help him expand his business whenever I can. It was very informative and was happy that I attended. I have now found where i can shift my focus too. I am now focused on helping my husband build his business. With his company, his income potential is unlimited and at the same time he will help so many families achieve financial success and eventually achieve financial freedom for them. I have always supported my husband, it is a hard business to start in because at first one is away from home a lot in the evenings at appointments, but over time it is less and less. I came to realize that my husband needs me to be supportive in a different way. I am taking a more hands on approach and will be pushing my husband way more than before. It will require a lot of hard work from both of us, but to achieve great success one must work hard to gain it.

I think I'm okay emotionally right now, but realize that I might benefit from finding a local support group to help me deal with the infertility. I'm okay right now, but what about in a month or in 6 months? I'm not sure where I will be and I don't want to slip into any form of depression again. So I will track one down and join. As I do that I also will be helping plan my sister's babyshower. She is pregnant with a Healthy baby girl, and I am excited. 

Some days it is sad that my turn hasn't come up yet. I think that is what makes it hard to communicate with friends in-real-life (IRL) because they sometimes mistake my sadness about my circumstance for me being upset or not happy about their news of pregnancy or someone else's pregnancy. It is always about working to maintain balance in the friendship and reassure that I am happy for them or others who are fertile. But with that reassurance there always an explanation that comes with it. An explanation that I'm sad for me, for my circumstance and that it is totally separate from my feeling about them or that friend that is having their baby. I think this why I would so benefit from a support group. I don't have to give explanations of any sort really, they all understand.  It will help be able to open up more and talk freely about being fertility challenged to my friends IRL that are fertile. I think because I don't get to fully address my sorrows at being fertility challenged whenever I'm feeling sad about my circumstance, my poor friends IRL feel helpless and often unsure of what to say.

The one thing that is clear for me about being fertility challenged, you are not the only one who suffers, everyone who loves and cares about you suffer too.  I suffer because i can't express how I feel to others who have no idea of the fertility struggle, and friends suffer because they really can't relate and don't know what to say to offer comfort.  But in time, we will all be on the same page and our friendships will get back to some sort of normalcy and we can all enjoy our company again....which is why i don't give up pursuing my happy state!

Rain....

I can't believe how much rain we are getting. It seems like it has rained every day this month! It doesn't happen often, but it does, but it's been a while since it has rained this much. Part of me wants it to go away, it is making me depressed!! Well just staring at it from the inside is making me depressed! I enjoy the rain usually and was feeling bummed that I was feeling bummed about the rain. It is said that people tend to get more depressed during the winter due to the weather, and I believe it! I've been feeling so gloomy and couldn't explain why I just couldn't get out of my funk. Then it hit after watching people walk in and out of my office building with their umbrellas.... the rain is the reason!!

Then a funny thing happened. I had to walk down to mailbox to mail off some documents for work, when I walked out of their office it started to rain a little harder. I found myself walking in the rain. I hadn't walked in the rain in a long, long time. I have ran in the rain trying to get to my car into my office without getting too wet. It had been a long time since I just ENJOYED the rain! I found myself giggling like a little girl! If I had had better shoes on  I would have walked longer in the rain, if I had better head protection I would have walked in the rain. It was the strangest sensation of walking in the rain, enjoying the rain and feeling like I was 10 years old again! The feeling of the rain against my face, the puddles on the floor..... I really did want to jump in them too...... wow, I hadn't felt that carefree in a long time. It was cold, but I didn't care. Ahhhhhh...... to be 10 again! 

So maybe now I can hold onto that feeling and start feeling like myself and get out of this funky mood I have found myself in.......... I'm going to walk slowly through the rain....

Here one second......Gone the next...

I survived all the birthdays in January! I have a total of 7 birthdays of family and friends. I usually celebrate 5 of the 7, this year I celebrated 6 of 7 birthdays and 5 of them in the same week!!! It was a lot of fun, but very tiring! I forget every year how hectic the end of January could be! But I can no start to catch my breath! I am very thankful and appreciate that I can celebrate so many birthdays every January and the rest of the year.

I got a visit from a neighbor yesterday morning with very sad news. She came to notify me that our other neighbor had passed away last week. Up until that very second, my neighbor "D" was still alive in my mind. I was very shocked. "D" was a very sweet older woman. She was our homeowner's association president and as I am the secretary, we worked together for the last 3-4 years. She was a great person, and we got along great. Every time I ran down to her place to quickly discuss an association matter, we would talk "business" for about 15-20 minutes and then spent an hour just chatting on personal matters. She was a very soft spoken, mild mannered, sweet, sweet woman. I enjoyed our chats and she knew about my fertility struggles and she always listened attentively whenever we would talk about my current fertility challenge. She also listened when I was talking to my sister. She would always, always tell me that I could come over anytime to chat and have tea, she offered her 'ears' whenever I needed to just talk.  

I had spoken to "D" the week before as we had discussed certain association items, we briefly spoke about what was going with each of us, she didn't sound to well, but she said she wasn't feeling too well because her blood pressure was acting up, but she would be okay as she was feeling better. I had tried reaching "D" just this past Friday, wanting to make sure she was feeling better and to set up a meeting. I didn't reach her but never thought I never would. So very sad. As soon as my neighbor left I shut the front door and with my hand over my heart let my tears of sadness fall. I was saddened because I didn't get to say farewell to my friend, saddened because I would be able to visit my friend again, saddened because I will miss my friend always. 

I was telling my husband how I had thought that I needed to call "D" and visit more often. In one second my friend was gone. Before I opened the door, my friend had been alive and warm and cozy in her house.  I will never get to visit her home and admire her cute bear collection (she adored teddy bears). I now pray that she is resting in peace and i take solace that she also passed away peacefully. She will forever live in my heart and in my too few memories of her....

Who I once was...

That is a question that I find myself asking myself.... "Who am I, and who was I before" I want to go back to who I once was before the infertility journey. I can still remember being a more optimistic person, I remember that my infertility issues weren't always present in my thoughts, I would enjoy babies and children without thinking what MY baby would be like, and really, I just enjoyed life. I lived life. Up until recently, I didn't drink coffee too often, stayed away from caffeine (even stopped taking Excedrin for my migraines) and I felt guilty in indulging in a glass of wine at dinner or having a cocktail for no reason. As i try to become more of who I used to be, I'm drinking coffee when I feel the urge, haven't had a migraine in a while so have had no need for an Excedrin, and I am enjoying a glass of wine or cocktail when I feel like it. As far as the drinking, I don't do it often, but it is nice to do so and not feel guilty.

Do I find myself questioning God's plan, honestly no. I just wonder when it might be my turn. I think that I have had a hard time because there are few people  IRL (in real life) that I discuss my fertility issues. Mostly it's me, I choose not to talk about it because I fear that whomever i'm talking too really doesn't want to hear it, and if they really did then they would ask about it. So even when I really need to express myself or express frustrations there really isn't anyone I can readily speak too. It is hard and it is lonely. Women going through this difficult journey understand that feeling. I have a great support through my virtual friends...these women are my lifelines, this includes my fertile friend too! But unfortunately, they are spread out through out the country that it is hard to get together and chat. Even those that are in the same general area, still a bit too far to just get together and vent with one another. 

It can't be too hard to find the person I once was..I will find her. I want to be the same bubbly positive gal I know I still am, I'm tired of faking the bubbliness and the positivity I often catch myself doing. My leg is gotten tired of 'kicking my rock' and i'm tired of moping! Whatever is to happen it will just happen. I'm going to work on myself inside out. Part of that will involve me coming to accept that I might not have my own children and that will be okay. There are so many children out  there in need of a good loving home. It just might be that there is a child or two that were born in this world just for me, i just have to find them.

God I pray to you, I pray that you will lift the blind from my eyes so that I can find my child and travel the road I am to travel. I pray for strength to accept what is, and pray for strength to make changes on the things you help me see that i can change. amen.

Random Ramblings...

wow can't believe how fast the month is going. We are almost at the end of the first month of 2008. It got off to a rocky start, professionally and personally. Still waiting to get a period.... trying hard not to get paranoid about that....which reminds me i  need to make a Dr. appointment. Not much going on besides the waiting. Work has been a little crazy and i've been getting home really late most nights, so I've been pretty tired most days.

I'm failing miserably on actually completing my New Year's resolutions.... well most of them. I often wonder why we, or I, make them every year. I semi-succeed in accomplishing them. I start off strong, but get off track by March...so sad. =-P  I have not been eating healthier, if anything, I've been eating too much of the 'bad stuff', I'm not sticking to my budget by any means and still forget to mail off my bill payments... haaahaaa.... I pay them, on the due date and online! So i continue to procrastinate as well!!! I hope to work on all of this as the year progresses! AND i'm going to exercise!! It always seems to take me a great while to get back on the treadmill after my "Holiday Break" last year it took until almost October to start and then i stopped due to the holidays!!!!! Soooo bad I am.

Today is my mom's 57th birthday, today she would have been a grandmother..or almost. My sister's due date with my niece was today. I'm very sad about that. I've been feeling a little blue about it. I haven't talked to my sister about how she may feel. She is trying to enjoy her current pregnancy now, so I don't want bring up anything painful for her if she has managed to push it out of her thoughts. I doubt she has forgotten, but I'm sure she is trying to stay positive and focus on her baby on the way, I know I would be if I were her. So we are all being very positive and I am making sure my parents really let go and accept my sister's choices, especially my mom. She says she has, yet always worries about what people will say or she is hurting in some way. I have to remind her from time to time, if she really has come to accept my sister's life choices, she would not care about what RANDOM people have to say and it wouldn't be painful for her at all.  I think she is coming around. Last time we went to Target i convinced her to buy my sister some blue baby booties, a baby hat and some socks.  I knew that it would mean a lot to my sister if my mom gave her those little gifts. I was right about that. When my sister told me how cute it all was, she had tears of joy in her eyes. 

Sometimes life seems a little unfair and it seems like i and others that are trying to conceive are forgotten in some way. I know that it isn't the case, but it is good to give into that feeling and just pout and mope about. I find myself doing that for myself and for other women i have befriended through this journey.  There is a reason why we all go through all that we go through, sometimes it's an explanation and sometimes there isn't, and that is the lesson to be learned. I'm very analytical and always have to have a reason, and it drives me insane when there isn't any. I'm getting better about not looking for reasons and explanations, it isn't easy. But with time, somethings have to get easier, right?

"What ever will be, WILL BE"

Happy 2008!!! I still can't believe another year has come and gone and it is the beginning of a new year! It is a bit exciting as it signifies a new year, a new beginning, a fresh start sort of speak. At least it does for me. Someone asked me, or rather told me, that they didn't get the big hoopla of "Happy New Year" and the big deal about. To them it is just another day. I kinda saw their point, but to me it is a rather unusual day, it is more than "just another day". I always see it as a fresh start. It is a time to reflect on the previous year and appreciate it for what it was. I also see it as a time to be thankful to God for making it through another year, tough or not, God saw me through another year. 2007 was full of happiness, disappointments, sadness, and surprises. 2008 will be better than the year before, because I have declared it will be so!

I found myself enjoying the holidays, even though I did get asked when was I going to 'pop' out a kid. This was asked by a few guy (of course) friends that i don't see often. I thought that I would cringe or want to run and cry at the question, but I found myself laughing at their question. I joked, although it wasn't a joke, of how we are trying very hard. I joked about it with them and we all got a good laugh at the picture I painted...told them to picture Monica and Chandler when they were trying to get pregnant....not too far from the truth, but still a slight joke. All in all, Christmas was great. I do love spending it with friends and family!

Our New Year's eve party was great too. As always, just family. We had too much food, the cake I made for my hubby was a bit hard to chew (although everyone said it was tasty), and too much to drink. My sister came, as she came for christmas eve too. And that was nice. I hadn't spent the holidays with my sister in years so it was nice, and i know my parents enjoyed it too. I think that as the year closed out, they were coming to accept my sister's choices. Up until now, i think that they couldn't bring themselves to fully accept that my sister chose to be in the relationship she is in now. Yes, she wants to be with her boyfriend and raise his 7 kids and her baby. It won't be easy, as my parents know all too well how financially strapped they are, but it is my sister's choice and once they come to accept it, it will be less painful for them. I just hope that with ths new year, my sister visits my parents more regularly, because she hasn't and only seems to make an effort when she needs something. Because of this I can't blame my parents for feeling used. But to each their own battles, I will be there to listen to my mom vent about it and stay neutral. I have stopped being mad at my sister and am looking forward. It won't be easy, and things will never be the same, but that is okay. Sometimes change is a good thing.

I am excited about my sister's baby, and pray that it is growing healthy in her womb. I know my sister is terrified something will go wrong again, and i can't blame her. I really would have wished that she could have been spared any fear or uncertainty during her pregnancy. I wished she could have enjoyed a problem free pregnancy, for ignorance is bliss. But it wasn't to be, God has a reason for why things happen, and maybe her lesson was to really appreciate the gift God bestowed upon her, and that is to appreciate that she can get pregnant and carry a child without having to do infertility treatments. Iknow that she is thankful for the baby she now carries and will love him/her that much more when she/he is born.

Well I may have closed out the year out on a disappointing note. Despite having gotten a postive OPK (ovulation predictor kit) I didn't ovulate. It was a bummer because i never get a positive OPK. I have gotten no period and only negative HPT (home pregnancy tests). But since 2008 will be the year of "whatever will be, WILL BE" I didn't let it get me down. Going into 2008 I am just going to sit back and relax and try to enjoy the ride as best as I can. I have grown tired of letting this journey to acheiving motherhood get me down, depressed, emotionally stressed, frustrated..all that comes with trying to conceive and not being successful. I do feel that in my heart, that one way or another, I will be a mom in 2008. 2008 will be a great year for me, for my family, and for my friends!

Holiday gloom.....POOF be Gone!

I still can't believe Christmas is a week away! Time sure has flown by too quickly! I'm excited and looking forward to spending time with family. Of course i am dreading the questions from those who have no clue what we have been trying to do for the last 4, almost 5 years...... "So when you going to have a baby??" It's an innocent question, but c'mon, after so many years of the same question same answer of "we're trying" when will they get a clue?? I have to laugh out loud because otherwise I will become bitter, and that is something I don't want to become. I have always had a cheery disposition, a positive outlook on life and was always fun to be around....Sadly i have caught myself being just the opposite of that. I am not liking that one bit. This whole infertility process is so very stressful on so many various levels and it just sucks big time. Getting to the point of acceptance that maybe no matter what you thought before, your plan on becoming a mom by getting pregnant, birthing and raising that child isn't what God had in mind for you, can be a little hard to swallow and even welcome the thought. At first.....

I know there are so many women who have tried, will continue to try to become mothers in what shoud be "naturally", for so many, many years. They are some strong women. I am not that strong. I'm not giving up, but I'm growing tired and weary. While I may change my mind, I have decided that 2008 will be my last year of trying to conceive a child. Of course this isn't set in stone or anything and i may think differently a year from now, but as of right now, I think I will throw in the towel in trying to conceive my own baby and pursue motherhood in some other way. I know my hubby will support my decision, but only after exhausting all possibilities. So we will try one more IUI w/ injections, hoping that it might work better while doing acupuncture treatments. If it doesn't work then we will try IVF once maybe twice and see what happens. I just can't continue to feel like this. I came to this decision the beginning of December, shortly after learning of my sister's pregnancy.....

Funny how God works, would you know that just a week after making my decision and declaring the end of 2008 the end of the line, the acupuncture and herbs kicked in, and helped my body actually Ovulate!!! While it's still a bit early, I did get a + OPK (ovulation predictor kit) i NEVER get a +. I started using them last cycle since based on my temps, looked like my body would try to ovulate so i started using them to check to see how close my body would get to ovulation. Last cycle they never got close to being +, but just last week, i got a few that were really close and one that was +. I was so excited. I would get so frustrated because we would not even have a shot what so ever to getting pregnant on my own because i wouldn't ovulate. But I believe I did this month!!! I have one half the battle this month! Now I only hope i did ovulate and pray I get a BFP going into the new year. I would nothing more than to start off a new year pregnant. All is possible i know. I also know that while i will be a wee bit disappointed if I'm not pregnant, at least i ovulated!! And I will be grateful for that!

For now, I will enjoy the holidays and celebrate with family and friends. It is the most wonderful time of the year! Although I could go without the grumpy shoppers.... 2008 is full of new promises, and also will come with a new baby in our family.... a niece or nephew for me to spoil!

Unfair.....Such is life

So I ask out loud..."When is it my turn?" I'm feeling a bit confused right now. I am happy, sad, confused, not quite angry, maybe feeling impatient....why you may ask...? My sister called me last nite to give me the news that she is expecting a baby again. Barely 3 months after her loss, she is blessed with a new baby. Maybe the Stork got us confused??? I'm wondering what I have to do to get pregnant around here??? It is amazing that we have the same genes, have had irregular periods all our lives and she is fertile and I'm not? Who did she talk to that I didn't??? I can't help but to feel frustrated at all of it. I just want to throw my hands up and just forget it all!!! I think i'm going to reconsider taking a trip!!! HAHAHA..... I'm sure i can forget about life when i'm sitting on a beach somewhere drinking a fruity cocktail with a pineapple and an paper umbrella sticking out of it!!! Sure i can pretend that life as i know it, doesn't exist!!! Unfortunately, when running away, you always have to come back.

Of course my sister should be happy, and I do feel bad that I can't be as happy about it as she is. I find it hard simply because of her situation, it isn't the best. If it were better I would be happier for her, I would still be sad because it seems so easy for her and not for me, but I would be more excited with her. I know that God has a great plan, and in time it will be revealed. But for now i want to stew in my funk! =-) I want to pout and kick a rock and dwell a little in the unfairness of it all!

I will pray this baby is healthy and that I can meet her or him in 8-9 months! It never matter what circumstance a baby is born in, they are innocent in all of it, and they should be loved and cherished by all! I know that I will love my niece or nephew with all my heart, I also pray that I can have a baby too, a cousin for him/her to play with too!

Bumming around......

So not much going on in life! Life is pretty quiet when nothing going on! Still on the quest for a child and some days i'm okay with the wait, other days, the emptiness is just unbearable! My hubby was away on business last week and did all that I could to keep myself busy during the evenings.....but the time alone was nice. But i'm happy to have him home!

I survived Thanksgiving......but anyone could with a bottle, or 2, of wine in your system!! Yes i know... bad girl! But it was fun. I blocked out completely everything of a year ago.... knowing i was pregnant, praying for a sticky little bean, that wasn't to be. With the advice of my acupuncturist, i just blocked it out! That helped me enjoy the holiday with family! Now i will have to do the same this Christmas! Tequila shots should help with that! Ha!! I'm such a lush! But seriously, it will be a great christmas! With the end of Christmas comes a new year!

A new year is full of new possibilities! A new year will bring new wishes and loaded with all new optimism for a successful year!!! I have made the declaration that come next Christmas, we will have a baby in our lives! It will either biological or not, but me and my hubby will have a child or two to cherish and shower love upon this time next year!!!! I HAVE MADE THE DECLARATION!! God is Great and will not fail me! We deserve this more than anything and it will happen in 2008!!!

Now it's time to face the holiday crowds!!! Crowds is what I most dislike about holiday shopping....everyone seems to be in a rush and is outright rude! Was there ever a time where shoppers were merry and considerate??? Me and the hubby prefer late evening shopping...it is usually quieter and less busy. What I'm most excited about is the baking i'm going to do!!! Me and hopefully my godsons will start a christmas tradition of baking christmas cookies! They enjoyed decorating Halloween Pumpkins in October, maybe they will enjoy decorating cookies! If it weren't for "My Boys" i know that I would have shriveled up and died by now....they are the light of my life in so many ways! I'm blessed to be so involved in their lives and for them to be in mine! I can't help but to get a tingly inside when they accidentally call me "mom" on occasion....too cute! I think that is what keeps me afloat emotionally......

Till next time!

I just want to be a Mom...

I still can't believe Thanksgiving is a few days away! And the month of November is almost done too!!! Wow! I haven't had the energy or time to blog this month, which bums me out some because that means that I didn't get to vent this month! It has been a tough month to be honest with myself. It was a year ago that we found out i was pregnant for the first time ever, but was going to probably loose it...which i did! I have been determined to enjoy the holidays, but really, if we could have, i would have talked Dh into taking a trip somewhere. It is the first time ever that i don't want to be around for the holidays! I look forward to this time of year every year. But if I could, I would hop on a plain, train or even a car and take off somewhere!!! yeah i know...running away from things doesn't make them go away!!

I really am not loosing faith, but I am running thin on patience. I just really don't know how much more i can take! I do pray every day for strength and for patience, but not sure how much i have left. I am just not myself and find it hard to care about anything else but trying to conceive, and how much i wish i could hold my baby in my arms or rub my pregnant belly....but that is just not my reality and i have to just come to terms with that!! It is getting harder and harder......I had looked forward to at least bonding w/ my neice, but even that isn't going to be either. I KNOW that God has a great plan for me and for my hubby, we are good loving people who can't wait to have a child, and we deserve to be parents because we will make great parents....i just wish that I could make him a dad!

One day a few years ago, I realized something. I realized that we would make great parents to a child who needed it. So i started looking into becoming foster parents. I was in the middle of cancer treatment and knew that there was a slight chance that I may not have the opportunity to get pregnant and carry our child. And i decided that we were meant to be foster parents. Me and hubby had always planned to become foster parents after having a family, i just couldn't help but think that maybe that we were going to have to move up that plan. Well for a number of reasons, I didn't get passed getting some information and then didn't pursue it further. Well over this weekend, i just came to terms w/ just wanting to be a mom. I am not giving up on having our own child, but so many obstacles have come our way and we are not sure when we begin the IVF process, that i started to think that I just want to be a mom and maybe we should look into becoming foster parents now! Maybe there is a child out there that really needs us NOW. I got my hubby to agree to go attend the informational meeting the county has every month to get more information. I am hopefull that we can becomre foster parents in 2008. I know that it will be hard and to get attached to child and they get placed back with their family will be hard, but if we can at least provide a warm, loving and secure environment for a child that needs it during a difficult time in their life, i can handle it! Especially if i was meant to do this.....

After all, I just really want to be a mom....what is better than being a mom to 1,2 or 100 kids that need it for a short time while their family life gets back on track??

What a day!!

Today is a great day for so many reasons!!! One, the BIG QUAKE didn't strike!! (hahaha a little morbid joke) 2, it's Halloween!!!!!!!! I love Halloween!!! I didn't dress up this year like other years....hopefully next year! and 3, the most important reason, I got a KITCHENAID MIXER!!! Christmas arrived early for me! My boss who is a great friend of mine, walked in this morning with a nicely wrapped box. The wrapping was a solid red (she couldn't find christmas wrapping can you believe it?) and told me i could open it or wait till christmas!!! Which is a big joke because i have no concept of delayed gratification!! But because she said it was for me and my hubby i was a good wife i called and asked him if it was okay to open! He knows me too well! His first and constant question was "what is it?" even though i had told him it was OUR gift and I didn't open it yet!! heeheeheee

So while he was on speaker phone i opened up the big red present! Low and behold it was a gray/chrome mixer staring back at me. My hubby knew was it was before we could tell him (by this time my friend was standing by my desk watching me open the gift!) I felt like a kid on Christmas morning and opening what i had wanted for christmas from Santa!!! I couldn't believe she had bought me this wonderful and expensive gift!!! Her reasoning for giving it to me now is that I will need to do my baking for thanksgiving. Which is true. My hand held mixer i had broke and was in the process of looking for one because i would be needing it! Now i will have a bakefest!!! I did what was natural, I cried!!! I hugged her and thanked her. I feel so blessed she is in my life and that she is our friend! By the way this is the same friend who was diagnosed w/ breast cancer early summer....how could she be buying me such a gift? I am wondering if she knows about her surprise b-day party i have been planning with her mom for hte last month!..hmmmm i guess I'll find out AFTER her party!

I am feeling so lucky and looking forward! What a Halloween to remember!!!!

Oh yeah...It's Earthquake Country

I sooooo hate earthquakes!!!!!! They freak me out!!!! I think NO ONE could be used to earthquakes! We had one last night and it was pretty significant. Living where i do, I don't feel too many. Up until last night thought that was because we were not that close to a fault line. Now I know different and discovered via news coverage of last nites MODERATE trembler, there is a fault line that runs underneath my little suburb of Concord!!! YIKES!!!! While this is no major fault like the San Andreas(the big 6.9 tremblor in 1989 was on this fault) or Hayward fault (seismologists belive our next big quake will be on this fault). Last nights quake was on the calavaras fault and it runs right under my city....which is probably why hubby and I really felt it last nite! Scary!!!!!!! It was a rolling motion then a back-n-forth sway for what seemed it lasted longer than 15 seconds. Although the quake was centered about 70-75 miles south of us, we felt it and my blinds swayed back-n-forth, and my stand that holds our radio and all our pictures swayed back-n-forth also...i think if it would have lasted 10 more seconds or slightly stronger it would have fallen over.

I've lived in Concord for 5 years now and have on only felt 2 big jolts, andt hat was a few years ago when there had been small tremblers on this same fault. I remember then that those series of tremblers ranged from 3.0 to probably about 4. or so. They were centered about 10 miles south of us and we weren't feeling them too much as residents living near their center, but it went on for about 2 weeks, nothing since then. I did feel an earthquake in March,but I was in Oakland and closer to the center, and that was a quick jolt, but that one was centered on the Hayward fault i believe and since then had been quite a few jolts on the hayward fault since then. Being in Concord I didn't feel them. This is just another reminder of the possibility of an even bigger quake! The quake we had last nite was measured at 5.6 and didn't realize that this is the strongest quake to hit since the 1989 quake!! SCARY!!! That means there is alot of pressure build up on these faults!!! There is bound to be a release of its stress sooner or later.......praying it is much, much later!!!

For now, I will work on getting an emergency kit together......kept saying it was important, but never did anything about getting it together. But that was BEFORE I knew we lived above a fault!!!! Hope there are no more little reminders!! I remain nervous and jittery for days following a trembler...........did I mention I HATE earthquakes???

Feeling Blue

I never would have imagined trying to conceive one baby would be so emotional, so stressful, so frustrating and so very painful! I was so afraid of having sex in high school because I didn't want to get pregnant, and I refrained from such pleasures until I felt I could handle an unplanned pregnancy. Luckily for me, my hubby would happen to be the first and only man in my life. We were both on the same page for the first 3 years of our relationship, avoiding pregnancy if we could. We were successful, and now, 4 years after making the decision we were ready for kids, we are still waiting! It has been such a long difficult journey and I would not wish upon anyone. Had I had a clue it would be this difficult, we would have tried a long long time ago. But then it all happens in the way its supposed to happen. Had I NOT been on birth control pills for 3 years, I would probably have no uterus right now.

While I'm being patient and don't loose hope or faith, this week has been very painful for me. I've been very emotional and fighting against everything not to get depressed! Can't help but recall where we were a year ago. We were beginning advanced treatment with our RE and had so much hope the injections and IUI would work and we would get pregnant. Well we did, and got my first ever BFP pregnancy test almost a year ago and suffered our known loss almost a year ago too. It is so hard to have accomplished getting pregnant only for it not to last that much longer. So I have found myself thinking of what could have been had that first cycle worked for us. Right now my baby would have been about 3 months old and thinking about that makes me very sad.

But must keep looking to the future and know that I will be holding my baby or babies in my arms soon, really soon! I just hope we can start IVF. Right now we would have been gearing up for egg retrieval/transfer, but because we have to pay out of pocket, could not afford to pay for it. We hope we can by December, but I find it hard to think we can. Sometimes it just seems like it isn't our time yet. I get notice from our insurance company notifying us that they received claims from my Dr. for last month's surgery and they are not going to cover ANYTHING! That is almost a $25,000 bill!!!! If we have to pay that, we are going to be screwed!!! I'm am hopeful that my Dr.s office can re-submit their claim and make sure they do not code it for Fertility reasons. We have no Fertility coverage, and although I understand that the hysteroscopy can not be for any other reason other than Fertility, I would assume the D&C would be covered because we did it to make sure there was no cancer present in my uterine lining!!! I wish my Dr.s office would be a little more cooperative, they haven't returned my calls regarding my account. I couldn't help myself, once I opened that from the insurance, i couldn't hold it in anymore, i just cried!

I cried in frustration of the whole dang process! My sweet dear husband was wonderful. I could tell he wanted to help me but had no clue how to help. All he kept telling me was that it was all going to be Okay! I believe him, but i still couldn't stop crying. He kept telling me ever so gently that I shouldn't give up, it will be okay! I smiled and said yeah i know, it will be okay! But i was and still am soooo frustrated!!!!!! And if my body would just cooperate and make a stronger effort, i might just ovulate! That at least gives a small chance....but nope, it wants to be difficult! So again after a valiant effort, my body didn't achieve ovulation! Oh well , there is always next cycle! Oh that pains of a woman trying to conceive a baby! It shouldn't be this hard...you make love with your husband, you make a baby........why are the most simplest things be so difficult?

What I am Grateful for.......

I'm Grateful to be Cancer FREE!!! There is always a thought in the back of my mind, there is always a risk, while I still have a uterus and I don't always ovulate, that it can come back. My hubby and I had a brief discussion last week when i came back from my last visit with OUR acupuncturist (yes my hubby is putting aside his skepticism and starting seeing one to help with him get more energy) and this came up. I mentioned how I do worry it will come back before we are blessed with a pregnancy and that I won't get to experience the wonderful experience of carrying our child and giving birth to our child. He told me I shouldn't think about that or think like that. But how could I not I told him and always say to myself. I am clear and KNOW that it isn't going to come back, but to ignore the RISK or POSSIBILITY would make me irresponsible. I can not just forget because I have to pay close attention. I have to acknowledge my fear of Cancer coming back because if I don't, it will eat me up inside. I am very Grateful and Blessed that 2 years from being diagnosed, I still remain CANCER FREE! Of course Cancer will not come back... EVER.... because I am that much more informed and I'm prepared not to let it come back.

I am also Grateful for all the wonderful women I have met and continue to meet who are as "lucky" (and i say this VERY sarcastically) to go through this journey. These wonderful women fully understand the emotions of TTC with little or little success. BUT THEY DON'T GIVE UP! They help me when I'm down, remind me that there is an end to the long endless long tunnel, there a light at the end of it. I'm Grateful to the wonderful supportive family I have, but unless you have been down the road of struggling in TTC, it is hard to fully understand the level of frustration and even anger that comes with having trouble conceiving. It is hard not to feel alienated in some way from the rest of the "normal" fertile world, but thanks to the women who are on the same TTC journey as myself, I don't feel so alone! I'm so Grateful for that.

I'm very Grateful for having a husband who is compassionate and is my constant positive thinker. If he ever feels any doubts, frustrations, or even anger, He doesn't not show it at all. All i ever get from him is positivity. To him there is no room for failure in this, we will achieve pregnancy and birth of a beautiful healthy baby. On days when I am feeling so down about it all, I can just look at him and remind myself that HE feels it will happen, that I shake any negative feelings and focus on being positive. This journey would be a hell of a lot worse if he wasn't so wonderfully positive. I'll admit SOMETIMES, very RARELY, it is a bit annoying. But I'm GRATEFUL he remains positive.

I'm Grateful to God. God has me on this journey to learn very valuable lessons. God does not punish good people, and I know in my heart that God will grant me my biggest desire and wish to be a mother, to achieve a pregnancy and birth of a child. I know for a fact that I'm to be a mother to other children, who although may not come from me, are on this earth waiting for me to bring them home to me. I'm Grateful that I still have a strong faith in God and that I don't loose hope.

For all these things and so much more, I am thankful, I am Grateful....

It's Gonna BE ME!!!

Finally...i get to log back in and write down my random thoughts!! Computer at work just stopped working for awhile and i could never find the time at home....i don't know why. I usually feel like i do nothing at home, yet i'm busy...hmmmmmmm anywho, computer is fixed at work and so now i can take some time out when i need it to just write!

Not much going on since the last time i posted, sister is doing well and recoverying from the loss of her first baby. I'm sure she has some hard days, but she seems to be doing well. I hope so, i can not imagine how hard it would be to be 22 weeks pregnant and loose your baby. So sad, but God know why he does things, and fortunately, my sister felt the same way. She felt she did the right thing and it helps her to be at peace with it all. We are talking a little more, so that is nice. I know that we won't be as close as we once were, but at least we are building a new relationship. She is back in my life and I in hers, and i feel a little more comfortable with that as time goes on. Thank you to everyone who kept me and family in your thoughts and prayers during this tragic and difficult time! They certainly helped.

I had a very happy, yet strange dream recently. I dreamt that me and my hubby were somewhere, seemed like we were traveling, with my parents. For some reason i POAS (fertility talk for Pee On A Stick=home pregnancy test) and it came back positive. I had actually done 2 tests, one gave me 2 lines (which could have been an OPK kit) but iknew it wasn't because the other test was one of those clear blue tests....it was a + sign in blue dye! I sort of remember feeling happy and in shock, but then i switched dreams.... but i had never had such a dream before...so it helps me stay positive. I once heard someone say "A funny thing about dreams is that they do come true" So i hold on to that.

I'm not sure when we will start IVF process. I'm hopefull we can start it next month, but realistically don't think we should or could afford to start. With the holidays getting closer i find myself feel ing a little blue and i can't help but to think of where I was a year ago. A year ago we started with more advanced treatments and had high hopes of not going through another holiday season with no baby or an empty belly. I still have hopes that we will soon be pregnant and have the child we so pray for, some days it just is a little hard. Acupuncture is helping, and the awful chinese herbs hopefully are too. I wish my body would just cooperate a little. I continue to take my temperature to see if maybe, just maybe my body will do what it should be doing. Maybe this will be our lucky cycle.... I always pray that this cycle is the cycle, and i know one day, my prayers will be answered. It seems like a lot of people are pregnant and i just hope to be one of them...and i will be!! It's Gonna be me the next one to announce a BFP!!

So for now I will hold on to my dream, not too tightly so that it will come true, but just enough help me let the sunshine in on one of my gloomy days!

It is so unfair....

Yay I am having a niece!! i was growing very excited at the thought of shopping for a niece! But God has other plans for all of us. Turns out my niece's little brain isn't developing correctly...my poor niece's brain is mostly liquid. Dr.s told my sister that my niece would make it to term, but when born would be so severly mentally challenged that if she made it, she would probably not make it passed 6 months. My poor niece is set to die before she even gets a chance to live. That is so horribly sad. It is so painful to me, that I can not imagine the pain it causes my sister. No mother-to-be should ever be told their baby is expected to die before the baby has begun to live. My sister has 2 options, both very hard and painfull choices, there is not better choice. She can terminate her pregnancy now or wait to deliver and wait for her baby girl to die. Her dr. is urging her to terminate, as they can say how the baby would even look when she is born or what other birth defects she will have. As advanced as today's medicine and technology is, no one knows the outcome. Either way, either choice, it isn't going to be easy. My sister has painfully decided that she will terminate her pregnancy. She is only about 19 weeks.

No mother should have to make such decision, and having to do so must be so increadibly painful and heart wrenching. She had to make her own decision and no matter what we think, will be by her side. We together as a united family will help her through this. There has been a rift between us (my parents & I) and my sister that we hope this will be brings us closer. That this good thing will come out of this tragedy. I love my sister and never had stopped, but i was mad at her for doing all that she did. She didn't handle things correctly and it made me mad at her. I was not all that happy she was pregnant because of the situation she found herself in, but I was always excited at the thought of a new baby in our family, and excited at the thought of a niece or nephew. Even with my miscarriage, i felt that it wasn't fair, but never felt anything negative towards my niece. i always felt that the baby was a gift from god and hoped that with my sister's pregnancy, we would work together on closing the gap in our relationship.

Since my sister told me what was happening with my niece, i did stop and reflect on how i have felt during my sister's pregnancy. There was shock, some sadness, but honestly, I was excited. There were days that wre hard for me just because my husband and i have been trying for so long, have paid so much money to conceive, and so far our arms and our house remain empty. I was starting to look forward to watching my niece and even for a short while and on weekend visits. I could almost hear the baby's cooing in my house, even if it was for short while. There was never a moment that I didn't love my future niece. As i think back to the last couple of months, i am certain of that.

Now I pray to God for strength to help my sister get passed this. It isn't going to be easy for anyone, but only together as a family will we get through it.

To my Niece:
I loved you the moment your mom told me she was expecting you. I knew you would be such a precious baby girl, and could picture you in my arms, as you were a gift from God to all of us. Even though i will never meet you or hold you in my loving arms, you will always be in my heart. You will be forever my precious angel.

Bittersweet Feelings......

I am going to have a Niece!!! Well 75% chance i'm having a niece...Yup my sister is having a girl! Well the baby wouldn't open her legs so the ultra-sound tech couldn't see too well, but saw no obvious sign that it could be boy, but couldn't for sure say it was girl 100%. As my sister's "big day" approached i wasn't sure how i felt about. She was so excited and would email me letting me know how excited she was. Honestly, I wanted to be as excited with her, but some days i admit, i found it hard to be excited. I couldn't help but feel a bit bummed b/c we remain childless. I know that it is all a process and over time, it does get easier, and over all I am excited about the baby, but I can't help but wish i was pregnant or have a baby of my own in my arms.

Some days i catch myself daydreaming about "What if..." What if our firs IUI/Injectable cycle would have worked. Couldn't help but to think about if that pregnancy would have survived I would have a newborn in my arms and I would be enjoying motherhood. Luckly for me, those painfull moments come and go fairly quickly and remain optimistic about the upcoming IVF cycle. Some days i'm anxiously awaiting it, and other days i'm scared! But through it all I don't loose faith. Just like I know I will become more excited about the birth of my niece. My sister was pretty bummed out about having a girl, she really wanted a boy. She did irritate me a bit with her less than enthusiastic attitude towards her baby girl. But i have to remind myself that she hasn't struggled TTC like I have. Anyone who has TTC for any long period of time would be most happy with a healthy baby, boy or girl. Here she was lamenting it was a girl. I did tell her to quit being so upset and be happy that the baby is healthy!

A day later, I do feel more excitement at the thought it is going to be a girl! I do laugh at how the world works, here I have been trying to get pregnant, and have been hoping for a girl, only to have my sister pregnant with a girl. The journey we must walk definitely can be funny and ironic! I spoke to my sister today. She had gotten a call from her Dr.s office and it made her nervous and had no one to call and needed to talk to someone. Her Dr. wants her to go back tomorrow for a repeat Ultra-sound, and that made her worry some. Her boyfriend was home asleep (he works late into the nite) and she needed to talk to someon....to calm her nerves, so she called me.

Since me and my sister haven't been close in a long while, it was weird feeling to have her call me. It was how I imagined it would be, growing up, as close as we were, i imagined that is how it would be. Calling one another during pregnancy when no one else was available to talk to about the anxiety or excitement of the pregnancy. Just knowing that the other would be available no matter what time of the day it was. It was nice to talk to her today, as i soothed her nerves as a i reassured her it was no big deal and to look at the upside of it, she may get a bitter picture and can really determine what the baby will be. I also told her again, that she needed to be happy and excited about her baby girl, and be thankful she is healthy. She admitted to being scared she would be able to handle a girl because she herself was a tough one to handle...and she is very aware of the term "what goes around comes around". She knows she has made my parents life hell and now it could be her turn if she has a girl. But she is happy, and is praying for a healthy baby!

I now find myself getting excited about my Niece! I hope to be a big part of her life, as that is my plan. Now i have to talk to my mom about the posibility of throwing my sister a baby shower. I do feel bad at the thought of not throwing her one, and that is going to be tricky. I know my mom doesn't want to mingle with her boyfriend's family and i don't really care, but looking at it from a financial point of view, I don't think i could afford to mingle both families. My sister is going to have to understand that we are not inviting his family, except maybe his mom and his sister, b/c we have a big family, and just she and her boyfriend and his kids is alot.... but if she really wants to throw a fit, I will just scratch the idea and just get her a nice gift or a couple of gifts, basically i will spend the money i would have on her party on a baby gift(s). We'll see.....

Well can't believe September is knocking....where has the summer gone?? Time sure is flying super fast these days...... just fast.... i guess i will talk to my mom about that babyshower now.... I am having a niece!!!!!!!!! I can just feel the bubble of excitement! and that makes me happy to know that I can enjoy this baby and maybe this baby will be what brings my sister and I just a little closer.........just maybe! Everything happens for a good reason, why else would God do things the way God chooses?......

Small Sacrafice......

I have to give up dairy!!!! I'm so bummed b/c i love all things dairy!!! I had my second acupuncture appointment Saturday and it was great. SHe is also an herbalist and give me some chinese herbs in a powder form that i'm to mix in a 1/4 cup of warm water and have to take it down in 1-2 big gulps and the taste is not very good. I feel lucky that it is only a small amount i have to drink and i'm hoping that i will get used to the taste quickly. It is supposed to help with my PCOS symptoms and just kind of help move the energy in my body. Apparently, dairy can cause phlem and will clog up the energy and keep it from moving though out my body...who knew?!!? It is a small sacrafice, but i will follow directions. It is going to be hard to give it up, but i must do what i need to do.

She also is having me take some other vitamins. I'm not taking anything right now and so i figure i could use some vitamin supplements. I have been wanting to take some for a while now, but get too overwhelmed at the choices out there. My hubby is taking a multi-vitamin, i have to ask him if he has noticed a big change. Other than that, no much else going on. I'm just trying to remain patient and very positive about IVF. I am hoping acupuncture will help. So far so good. During my last session, it just felt so wonderfull! It is an experience hard to explain, but i had no feeling in my body, in a good way. I was laying there and it was almost like i was suspended in air and it just felt so relaxing. I am hoping next session we can work on my back, it has been killing me!

My sister finds out next week, i believe, what she is having. I hope it is a girl, but overall hope baby is healthy. I find myself getting excited, but also find myself worried about my sister's parenting skills. Some of her actions with her step-kids makes me raise any eyebrow, but i can not judge, it isn't my place. I am sure she will make smart choices for her child. Sometimes i do feel bad that I'm not more excited, but it really isn't because she is pregnant instead of myself, but more because of the unresolved issues we have that caused our distance in the first place. I still haven't asked my mom if she wants to throw her a baby shower, I would like to, but not sure if my mom wants to host it or not. We'll see, if we do, it will be in November, and that will be here before we know it.

Well, hopefully i will notice some change with the herbs and vitamins, i just lack so much energy somedays...its annoying me. I sure hope my sinuses clear up, they have been hurting off and on for last week or so.... okay enough rambling for tonite, gotta go put my head down and rest my painfull eyes! Till next time!